I went to the Y last night for the first time in AGES. I’m trying to get better about running, even if I have no one to run with, so I thought I’d hit a treadmill and send the kid’s to the youth gym. We’ve had a family membership at the Y since, maybe 2007? And Donnie uses it several times a week, but me? NADA. Because it’s NEW.
I HATE DOING NEW THINGS. New things = ANXIETY.
I’ve run on those treadmills, maybe 3 times in the last two years. I used to run on them all the time in 2007, when I trained for my first 5K on treadmills. But last night? I was freaked out. NEW! NEW! NEW! And there were tons of people there which means EXTRA people to embarrass myself in front of which means EVEN MORE anxiety.
I found one empty in the back row. I jumped on, put my headphones in, and pushed Quick Start. NOTHING. I tried again, and again. Nothing. I looked to either side at the people on the treadmills and they all stared STRAIGHT AHEAD. NOTHING.
Okay. So, I’m super-freaking out now. What am I missing? How dumb do I look? WHY IS NO ONE ACKNOWLEDGING MY STRUGGLES?
I go to one of the empty ones in the row in front of me. I do the same thing. NOTHING. I look to THOSE people. NOTHING. No one is acknowledging I’m having trouble. There are two reasons they wouldn’t be acknowledging my difficulty.
1) Whatever I’m missing is SO obvious, making me look SO dumb, that no one wants to be the one to point it out.
2) They don’t know either and don’t want to be put on the spot to help me.
I immediately assumed #1, of course. KIM IS AN IDIOT. There is something HUGE she’s missing. This is ALWAYS the reason, right?
But then I tried to re-think that a bit. That’s what I’m trying to do more of…re-think my anxieties before they overpower me. And then I decided, I’ve tried everything! If it were something difficult there’d be a sign! If it was something obvious I would have found it by now! Therefore, it has to be #2…They must not know either. That many people wouldn’t have ignored me if they could help, right?
So, I went to ask for help.
THIS IS A HUGE DAMN DEAL FOR ME. Because that could conceivably be shining the spotlight on my idiocy by making someone come to show me the STUPID thing I’m missing. BUT I DID IT.
I finally found someone to help me and he seemed confused. YAY! It wasn’t something IMMEDIATELY obvious! He walked over with me, pushed “Quick Start” and NOTHING. Of course, the entire time I’m throwing out my insecure disclaimers:
“It’s probably something stupid I’m missing.”
“I haven’t been here in awhile, maybe I just don’t know how to work these.”
“I’m sure the answer is right in front of my face.”
Just so that WHEN it was something stupid I would have already put it out there that I KNEW it was something stupid.
I’m not sure why that makes me feel better. BUT IT DOES.
Turns out? Breaker. And one of the guys who wouldn’t look at me said he was done anyway and gave me his treadmill. Then he said, “They’ve been dead for hours.”
This means SEVERAL people must have done what I did and either A) Gave up or B) Succeeded in finding one that worked. And no one told anyone who worked there. Do you want to know why?
BECAUSE WE ARE ALL TERRIFIED OF LOOKING LIKE IDIOTS.
So, I was proud of that. I made it past the insecure panic meltdown and solved the problem. AND I didn’t even look dumb in the process. I looked SMART because I figured it out.
This ought to make me feel better then next time it IS something really asinine I’m missing.