For the first time ever in my blogging career, I’m reporting back on a “Improve Myself!” type meme I said I’d be participating in. That may be a slight exaggeration but I feel like in the million years since I’ve started this blog, I’ve done no less than 100 This Is The Big Thing I’m Doing To Change Something About Myself type of blog entries. And have I ever reported back? No. I don’t think so. I know I’ve not actually completed or been successful in any of them so if I reported back it was only once or it was to say: SCREW THAT.

But my 4 Simple Goals were…simple! So I can report back!

• WEARING A SKIRT – I wore skirts FOUR TIMES the first week. I wore one for Sunday dinner first. Of course, I ended up also wearing PJs under it, but still. I enjoyed it so much I used the excuse of three big days of meetings or Volunteer Activities to wear skirts that week. FOUR TIMES. I loved it. Why I never thought to pursue the Skirt As Casual thing is BEYOND ME. Flip-flops or Converse. WITH A SKIRT. It’s totally my new thing. I was disappointed yesterday was a grass-mowing day as I couldn’t wear a skirt! I wore one Sunday and Tuesday and I plan on wearing another today. One of these days I’ll have a full length mirror so I can show you pictures. But I refuse to buy one until I lose weight STOP GAINING WEIGHT.
• TAKING CAMERA EVERYWHERE – My first day doing this produced a lot of THE VERY SAME PHOTOS that I take all the time. Turns out I just am home a lot. Go figure. I’m going to try to take the camera again tomorrow but maybe plan something a bit more fun to do. Like leave the house.
• EATING SOMETHING DIFFERENT – The first week I tried 3 or 4 different recipes. Went great. This week…so far? Unless you think trying the bag of frozen PF Changs food I found at Target as “eating something different” – I’ve not really put a lot of thought into the meals this week. I bought fresh brussel sprouts to cook as something different and Twitter gave me tons of yummy ways to try, but I haven’t done it yet. Dinner is tricky with E now back in school and D training for his Triathlon this weekend. I have to have it ready around 5pm to fit into D’s schedule but I can’t start until after 4pm because of E’s schedule. We’ll see how next week: Post Triathlon, goes.
• GOING SOMEPLACE NEW – I took the kids to the MAIN BRANCH of the library the first week. We’ve been to our branch on our side of town many times, but the downtown BIG library? I only went there once in college and E and I think we went there once a million years ago to get him a book, but I don’t really remember it so it doesn’t count. The visit was great and Nikki was blown away by how much bigger it was. This week we tried out Gigi’s Cupcakes after dinner, just as a treat for E after getting his ingrown toenail chopped out. It was fun although I am just not a cupcake person. E’s was better than mine was, but none of us finished any of what we ordered. SO MUCH ICING. The kids didn’t even really like any of it. The icing or the cake. They’re spoiled by my cake poppers. They expect anything with the word “cake” in it to taste just like that.

So….I’m quite proud. The thing about these goals is there’s no failure. I’ve set them up so I can try every week, but if I don’t do it? Whatever. Who cares. Try again next week. But I actually look forward to the excuse each of them give me to Try something new/Look nice/Take pictures. Turns out I like to do those things in SOME WAYS…I’m not as much of a creature of habit as I thought I was. I’ve enjoyed some of the branching out. I’ve already started worrying that when the end of the year rolls around, I won’t have an excuse for these things anymore. But maybe by then? These things will simply be the new normal. How cool would that be?

Kim? Yeah. I know her. She’s the one that wears skirts and carries her camera everywhere! You should ask her for her _________ recipe, it’s great! She cooks a lot of different stuff, it’s cool. She also knows all the fun stuff in Huntsville to do/see. If I’m ever looking for something new to do I ask her.

Hey. I think that girl sounds pretty cool…don’t you?

(Although – I hear she never uses shampoo on her hair. That’s still pretty weird.)

All Hail Lifestyle Plans That Encourage Playing!

When I started cooking and using Pioneer Woman as my guide, I thought for sure I’d gain a million pounds with all of that cheese and butter and nothing WHATSOEVER diet. You know what? Not an ounce. As I thought more about it I looked into the idea that if you eat a lot of diet foods (Over processed foods to remove calories or fat) – you do just that: You Eat A Lot Of Diet Foods. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought about this before. One of my favorite stories to tell about my horrible relationship to food is how I bought a box of 100 calorie dessert cakes one time for my office and ate the entire box (of 12) in one sitting. Do you know what would have been better for me? About 3 of any candy bar on the planet. I have always been notorious for pigging out on “diet” foods.

So, I stopped buying Fat Free cheeses and 100 calorie snack packs. We just started eating real foods. When I needed a snack I went for something like a Cliff Bar – not at all a low-calorie food but totally fills me up. I noticed when I started doing this that I ate a lot less. So, did I lose weight? No. Did I eat better, yummier foods and not gain any weight? Yes. I thought that was a pretty excellent lifestyle change right there.

But I still have this weight I want to lose. But I don’t really want to “diet” so to speak. I hate that idea. It’s failed me for years. I’ve been trying to lose the same 15-30lbs (depending on what point you stop me at) for the last 7 or so years. Obviously the “diet” concept hasn’t worked for me whatsoever. And I like my new outlook on food: Calories and Fat are NOT BAD. Over processed foods that no longer resemble anything “food” related? Those are.

So — When Modern Matriarch started talking about Going Primal, I listened. It sounded exactly like what I needed. A lifestyle change that simply focused on what our bodies genetically evolved to do. It’s not a diet. If you look at the 10 Primal Blueprint Laws only a few of them even directly relate to food. And they’re simple: Eat Lots Of Plants And Animals. Avoid Poisonous (Processed) Foods. Simple stuff, really. Then there are laws teaching you how to mimic the primal lifestyle in your current (hopefully NOT primal) existence: Walk A Lot. Lift Heavy Things. Play. Sleep. Very basic principals that get us back to the roots of the simple living our bodies were designed for. Yes, it’s about eliminating certain types of carbs – but it’s NOT about putting your body into ketosis like a lot of the trendy low-carb diets of yore did. It’s basically about removing the carbs (sugars, rice, grains) that stem from processing. Which is not a primal concept. We hunted and gathered – not refined our food. This is a good article that does break the food side down on a nutritional level.

My point? This seems to already fit with how I had changed my lifestyle anyway. It just gives me some sort of guidelines to do it with a purpose that will help me trim my body. After doing it for less than a month – Modern Primal Matriarch saw results. And not on the scale…just in her body. Yes, she talks about the struggles she had in the beginning as her body learned how to burn energy in a better way, but she’s never looked back. So – you know what? I’m giving it a try. I’m starting today because LilZ is at his Dad’s this weekend, we don’t have our big family dinner on Sunday, and MrZ will be around if I really do run out of energy to get off the couch. I’m going to really try to focus on all 10 blueprint laws, and not just the ones that will help me lose weight. I’m going to force Play Time on myself every day (although we do play a lot in this family, that won’t be too hard). I’m going to continue my walking with Sweetie. I’ll go to bed earlier. (If you can believe it, I’ve actually been staying up later lately. Until – like 10pm! Or even 11pm some nights! I’m a wild thang!)

Yes. I’ve done a million different lifestyle changes since I started this blog. I know that. You know that. But do my past failures mean I should give up trying? No. One of these days I will find something that just feels right and sticks. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is not. But I prefer the idea of trying to better myself and sometimes failing – than never trying at all.

AndyZ decided to beat me to the punch and went primal last night. He misunderstood the point, however.

I haven’t talked a lot about starting the chain reaction of awesome in my life, lately. While I was thinking about that this morning I noticed: I have a lot of “selp-improvement” type categories listed here. I think that observation says a lot right there, don’t you think? Like, maybe there’s a part of me hoping if I give it a category on my blog it will stick? Anyway…chain reaction of awesome…I’ve not been doing much to nurture that journey lately. Not just here on this blog, but here in my actual life was well.

When you’re trying to grow as a person in any way, whether it’s starting meditation, or exercise, or just eating better – it’s very easy to get distracted. It’s very easy to avoid the actions that further these goals when you have – what feels like – more pressing and real needs surrounding you. The dishes in the sink, the laundry in the dryer, the poopy diaper on the kid in the next room. All of these immediate needs tend to trump any tasks associated with long-term goals. So, my long-term goals? Get washed down the drain with the dirty dishwater.

Add to the daily mundane BIG activities like; putting your house on the market, high school musicals, estates in probate, or sick family – and those long-term goals or dreams? Really start gathering dust. Studying for the GMAT so I can get my MBA? Impossible when trying to get my house POD Ready (FYI: PODs are just portable container units, like renting storage that gets dropped off and then picked up and moved.) so we can get it on the market by the end of May. Getting back my running body? On the back burner while we wrap up dad’s estates proceedings in Knoxville. Meditating? Improving Nutrition? Parenting adjustments? Can’t think about those while I’m sealing the grout in my kitchen.

Do you see what I have here? A lot of really valid and truthful excuses to put off all of the things I want to be doing. The thing is? If you really examine some of those entries from the ninety million Self Improvement categories I have on this blog? You’ll see that the long list of really valid and truthful excuses? NEVER ENDS.

There are always going to be little things that get in the way day to day: Cat puke to clean up, plants to be watered, cars to be vacuumed. There are always going to be big things that get in the way week to week: illness, home improvement, community needs. If my six years of blogging about making myself better has taught me anything? Is that there will never be time. Time to do what it is I want to do that seems frivolous compared to the immediate needs in my life and in the life of my family members.

So…yet again…I find myself at a crossroads. A moment in my life where maybe some clarity will produce some change. Maybe the realization that I could actually put things off forever at the rate I’m going – is just depressing enough for me to stop putting things off at all. That maybe I pull in chaos in my life to help me avoid these great improvements I need/want to make – so that I don’t have to face failure head on. Maybe I encourage the perpetual list of chores as a way to keep me from actually accomplishing any of my personal goals, so that I’ll never have to officially fail at them. And while this clarity can be very depressing, it’s also nice to know that these changes can be in my power. I don’t have to wait on the universe to give me the perfect conditions to finally encourage me to eat better, harness my creativity, meet my professional goals. Instead, I can say I’ll deal with what the universe needs me to do…AFTER I meditate, or exercise, or eat this bowl of fresh fruit. I can prioritize my personal needs before the needs of my family and of the universe.

Now, I’m not necessarily going to leave my kid sitting in his dirty diaper while I go run – but I can put off folding clothes until after I meditate. I can take the time to plan my daily menu and put off paying the bills until after grocery shopping. Because – and here’s the kicker – I’ve proven over a lifetime of getting things done, THEY WILL GET DONE. The dishes will get in the dishwasher, the laundry will get folded, the holes will get caulked and the lawn will get mowed. If all of the procrastinating of my own wants and needs has taught me anything, it’s this: Everyone Else’s Needs Will Be Met. Just maybe not on the same timeline that ignores my own personal needs.

So, for the nineteen millionth time, I’m refocusing. I am going to spend the week shifting my priorities and digging into all of those entries about who and what I want to be. I don’t want to keep writing about starting these journeys to self-improvement under different categories with different focuses. I want to recognize that: THERE WILL NEVER BE TIME UNLESS I MAKE IT. And I’m going to start making time.

Right after I hang those pictures on the wall and clean my toilet.

(P.S. I categorized this entry in all of my self-improvement categories to prove my point with the excessive categorizing of my self-improvement. Except for one: Operation Marathon. Because let’s be honest, I did that once. And while some may discover their love of real long-distance running with their first marathon? I WAS NOT ONE OF THEM.)

This is a picture I took of my kitchen counter yesterday afternoon when I realized it represented all of the chaos in my life in that very moment. There are Teacher Appreciation goody bags, Cake Popper tools/ingredients, craft supplies from Mother’s Day crafts, and the general recycling clutter that accumulates throughout the day in between trips to the garage or to the outside bins.

And NONE of these things would be there if I worked in an office.

If I worked in an office, Teacher’s Appreciation week would either go ignored – or would involve a quick trip to the story for something I could buy in five minutes and drop off when I picked up the kids. This year? I made the teachers cake poppers, put together goody bags, and made frames with a quote about teachers inside.

If I worked in an office, my son’s Theatre Awards ceremony this weekend would not involve a request for Cake Poppers because I was always the type that just bought a box of Chips Ahoy at the store for any baked needs. Or maybe I’d make the kind of cookies you slice from a tube. I would never take the time to bake things like I do for all of his events and have now become KNOWN for them.

If I worked in an office, Mother’s Day would pass with a purchase…probably online since running errands when you work 40 hours a week is rare. I definitely wouldn’t have embarked on a project that involved messes and time to dry.

It’s up for debate whether or not any of these things actually improve our lives, I guess. My husband – I’m thinking – would prefer the paycheck to the cake poppers (Heh) but I know that personally? I feel better. I feel better knowing I have the time and the energy to put details into these things. I never realized that so much of my guilt before stemmed from never feeling like anything got the attention it deserved. Now? I can give it the attention…and I feel better for it.

Now – if only I could convince myself to prioritize the periodic shower above the crafts and baking. Until then I’m fulfilled…but stinky! You can’t have it all, Family!

Someone got a haircut! That’s the big news from the Zoot House this weekend…MrZ finally caved and buzzed AndyZ’s hair like I’ve been begging him to do for ages. Not that I don’t love AndyZ’s blond curls, but I also adore the little boy buzzcut for the summer and since summer is rolling into Huntsville? MrZ gave in. He did a great job and I love it because now…they’re twins!

I feel like I’ve been constantly talking about Our Lives Getting Back To Normal since Seussical was in it’s final weeks. I’ve talked about it in anticipation and mentioned it as a temporary condition but with sick dogs, sick Moms, house guests and dog guests…I don’t think we’ve actually been too close to normal until now. Well…as normal as life can be in a home that’s getting prepped for the market.

It’s funny…you don’t realize how quiet your life is until you add extra people and dogs to it for a few days. Once they leave you feel sad because, “Jeez. We’re all alone.”

Yes. Us with our five people, 2 cats, 2 dogs in a three-bedroom house? Totally alone.

But it is quiet this morning. And I’m feeling quite contemplative. I went to a baby shower this weekend in Knoxville for a friend who I keep telling, “I think I’m happier about your pregnancy than I’ve been for any of mine.” And while I’m sure that kinda creeps her out (rightfully so) I really mean it. Looking at her, pregnant, made me really think about motherhood in the abstract. Because, while this is her first pregnancy, I’ve always thought of her as a mother. And I’m not sure if I fit into the role as naturally as she will. There were so many things about Motherhood that were foreign to me when I had LilZ. Partly because I was so young and kinda unprepared, but partly because I didn’t think of Motherhood in my “plan” yet. I hadn’t envisioned myself a Mother yet. So it all felt very foreign for a very long time.

Then I look at myself today and can think of no other way to define myself: A Mother. Some say, “I’m more than a Mother.” I don’t think I am. I think I’m a Mother before I’m anything else: A Wife, A Daughter, A Sister or a Friend. I’m definitely a Mother before anything professional. It’s just a strange thing to look back 15 years and see a person so different from who I am today. And it reminds me: I can change. I can grow into someone stronger, better, more beautiful in every way. Every time I falter in my path to Healthy or Fit or Successful or Calm…I fall back on the crutch of People Can’t Change. And I use it to justify my failures.

The crutch seems useless to me, suddenly. I’ve made huge changes in my life. In the last 15 years I’ve seen many dark periods of Ugly Zoot – and today? The ugliest thing I can find about myself…truly ugly…is that sometimes I gossip about people. I’ve come a long way as a natural progression of Motherhood. I’m capable of wonderful and beautiful things. So why do I let myself falter so much with the adventure towards HEALTHY and SUCCESSFUL and FIT and CALM. (Man…I can’t wait to one day be CALM.) I am capable of even more than those simple goals…and on this contemplative and quiet morning I feel that power of potential. Maybe it’s the beginning of a new month, maybe it’s the buzzcut my son now wears…but I feel like big things are around the corner. If I’m just brave enough to great them.

Maybe I need some denim overalls. They seem to work for these kids.