While I’ll never been so overweight that my health is at risk, I’ve been constantly trying to lose that last [insert random number between 10 and 40 here] pounds for the last five years. I actually had lost 20lbs right before Christmas and then immediately gained back 10 of it. So I’ve been trying to re-lose that 10lbs ever since. Re-losing weight you’ve already lost recently is emotionally taxing because you spend a lot of time kicking yourself in the head for gaining it to begin with. It’s also unhealthy. There are studies out there that say losing and gaining the same 10lbs over and over again is worse for your body than just keeping it on to begin with. I’d link to the study but it’s cold in my house right now and I’m just trying to whip this entry out before my fingers freeze off.

Yesterday was a Bad Day. If you’ve ever tried to lose weight or change your lifestyle at all – you know the Bad Day. It’s the day where, somewhere a long the way, your eating program goes out the window and you find yourself giving up on the entire day ending in a fit of binging that sometimes sees you falling asleep at 10pm with your face in a bowl of Cheese Puffs. My Bad Days are not always about junk food, mainly because we rarely keep junk food in the house. Sometimes I’ll make a Bad Day worse by hitting a fast food joint, but most of my Bad Days just involve me eating too much good stuff. I like a lot of healthy foods – like yogurt and granola. So, a Bad Day might see me binging on that throughout the day. That fact is probably the only thing keeping me ballooning to a greater size – that when I binge it is usually on healthy food. However, calories are calories so when you eat double what you should – whether it’s in yogurt or french fries – you’re going to gain back weight you’ve lost. Which is where I am right now. Where I was yesterday.

I sat in bed last night thinking about my relationship with food. It is such an emotional relationship. A Bad Day for me never involves just food. It’s always bad for emotional reasons as well. Some days I can easily say: I binged because I was stressed. Or: I binged because I missed my Dad. Or: I binged because I yelled at my kids unnecessarily and I felt really guilty about that. Many days food is my therapy. It helps ease my anxiety or depression. It’s my friend to call when I’m stressed or angry.

But it also goes the other way. My food started out bad yesterday when I allowed myself an unhealthy splurge for breakfast: An Egg McMuffin. I used to eat those all the time and I just allowed myself to have one yesterday. I thought, the calorie count isn’t too much more than what I usually eat for breakfast, I can get away with it. Except that something inside of me recognized the inherent badness of the food and you know what? My emotional well-being paid the price. I feel like my depression and anxiety shifted after eating that and the day just got worse. In other words – the bad food? Put me in a bad mood. I’ve often seen this as a predictable relationship in my life: If I eat shitty? I feel shitty. And then, I feel shitty – so I eat more shittily. (Dude. I totally just made up a word.) It’s an unhealthy cycle involving my emotions and food.

I guess I’ve always know this – that food and my emotions are connected. I just don’t think I realized how clearly they’re connected until yesterday when I honestly watched my productivity decline and my stress and anxiety level rise as the grease from the breakfast sandwich permeated my bloodstream. And since it was breakfast? The day went downhill from there. By the time I went to bed last night I had cried more in that day than I had in the weeks prior. And I had also eaten about 3500 calories of granola, yogurt, and also some pizza. (Because, let’s face it, if you’ve trashed your diet by dinner time? Why waste the energy cooking something healthy?)

It’s a weird thing to recognize something concretely that I’ve been vaguely hinting at for years. I’ve always known I had an unhealthy relationship with food, turning to it when I’m not feeling 100%. But I don’t think I ever realized how clearly it works the other way as well: That splurging on something bad for me can also so distinctly shift my mood in the bad direction. Starting the horrible cycle of eating and crying that inevitably defines my Bad Day.

I’m hoping this really clear evidence will help me reshape my relationship with food. Really look at it as fuel for my emotions and trying to make decisions with a better understanding of how it really can affect my mental state. I mean, the Sausage McGriddle tastes amazing (Why must McDonald’s have such an enticing breakfast menu?) – but what’s it going to do to my emotions? Is it worth the tears it may cause later? Is it worth the lack of patience I’ll show with my children? Is it worth the sacrifice my family will have to make as I cry all night? NO. I can honestly tell you that no food, no matter how delicious, is worth all of that. My family deserves better from me…but more importantly? I deserve better. I deserve to feel good, and if that greasy breakfast sandwich is going to make me feel like crap? Then why do I eat it? Hopefully – I won’t. I’m really going to try to examine how foods make me feel. And maybe even try to examine how my feelings affect my cravings. I know I head straight to the pantry when I get stressed…maybe if I recognize that it will be easier to battle it?

(Please don’t tell me to go for a run instead. My husband tells me that and it makes me want to punch him in the face. It’s probably the best advice anyone could give someone who eats when they’re stressed/depressed; but it doesn’t mean we actually enjoy hearing it.)

I’m curious if any of you have had any of these realizations with your relationship with food. Have you noticed any relationships between your mood and how you eat? Does one affect the other? We all know that certain foods help or hinder our energy level – but what about our depression or anxiety? Have you noticed certain foods having a positive or negative effect on those emotional states?

So: Today? I’m going to focus more on eating for my mind. For my heart. Not the organ beating in my chest, but the heart of my emotions. I want to eat in a way that helps me smile, that doesn’t block my inspirations, and that allows me to be productive in the ways I want to be productive. Maybe this is the first step in me breaking up with unhealthy eating habits. I’ve realized the relationship is bad for me, now I just have to take the key back and burn all the love letters. That’s the hard part. Too bad I don’t have my old Milli Vanilli tape. A little bit of Blame It On The Rain might help with the healing.

Andrea wrote a great post yesterday (Well, aside from the part where she closed down her store…) about making a clearing. However, the part that stuck out to me the most was the following excerpt:

And then I surf the internet and see what everyone else is doing– the blogs, (how do they write so often?) the Etsy stores, the books published… their pretty houses with dinner on the table every night… and the shame seeps in and the critical voices start howling in my ear. Hurry up, you’re falling behind, you’re blowing it, get your sh*t together…

And then I remember that wait, I am one of those people that others see this way. The superhero character that appears to have it all together, who is doing all that cool stuff (how does she have time for all of that?) and I see how all of these projections are a fiction, something I made up, something we all make up. It is the way we gather evidence, our proof that we are the ones who are not good enough.

I get that SO MUCH. I often cruise these blogs (including hers) and wonder how they do it all. How do they find time to keep such a beautiful home, and how do they know how to make it so beautiful? How do they find time to cook such amazing meals and how did they learn how to do that? How do they write so beautifully and dress so stylishly? How do they keep their eyebrows so groomed and they children so clean? I look at blog after blog (Yes, YOURS TOO) and see something on it that I’m just NOT DOING. And I feel really shitty about that.

But then I think about the other half of what Andrea says. That some people see ME that way. I’ve had plenty of comments and emails asking me how I do it all. I never answer because I don’t know what to say. I either want to say, “I’m not doing anywhere near what I need to be doing…” or I want to say, “Eh…I’m not doing as much as I make it look like I’m doing.” I want to correct them. They are complimenting me and I want to say, “No…no…I’m not worth your praise. But Blogger X,Y, and Z? They are. Look what they’re doing.”

Why DO I do that? Why do I feel like I spend every minute of every day DOING something? And when I do have down time in a day, I criticize myself for it. AndyZ is sleeping and NikkiZ is still at preschool – so I could be doing something like paying bills, or labeling photos, or folding laundry. But I get wrapped up in something on TV and don’t move for two hours. And then…here’s the kicker…I hate myself for it. So, when I run, run, run the other hours of the day – and I’m obviously not going, going going to justify the periodic break – why am I doing it? Why am I constantly doing if I’m not going to let allow myself to have breaks. And if what I’m constantly doing doesn’t make me proud, why am I doing it? Why is it that when I see that YOU made dinner 5 nights in a row, I think you deserve praise and compliments and adoration. Yet, when I do it? I don’t even allow myself some downtime without feeling guilty? Or why don’t I compliment myself more? Or feel PROUD of myself? If I’m going to spend my day DOING THINGS…I should be PROUD of them and of MYSELF, right? Even if it’s just getting the laundry put up for the first time in a month. (What? Don’t you use your laundry room as a closet too?) If I’m going to spend the energy DOING…then I should be PROUD of what I’m doing. And if it doesn’t make me proud…then maybe I should try to find something else to keep me busy.

What do you think? Do you constantly find yourself amazed by other people online yet can’t see yourself in the same glowing light? Do you allow yourself pride in your work? Pride in yourself? Or do you give that pride to other people who are probably struggling with the same things you are?

My friend Michelle one time used the phrase “First World Problem” when we talking about how heated Mommy Blogging discussions can get about parenting methods. Attachment v/s Cry It Out can spark huge debates online. Nursing v/s Breastfeeding can do the same. And don’t get me started on natural childbirth…I still often feel like I’m not much of a woman because I wanted the c-section with AndyZ! Yet, as Michelle so efficiently described it, we live very privileged lives if we have enough already taken care of (food, health, shelter) that we can get emotionally worked up about these topics. Because the rest of our human needs are taken care of, these are our First World Problems.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot since the earthquake in Haiti. About how ridiculous I feel for bitching and moaning about not getting enough recognition in my house for the work I do. I mean…I have a house to clean. I have food to cook. I have children who need baths and are not dying on the streets of infections that could have easily been treated with a quick stop at the pediatrician one day. I don’t have to worry about staying alive, so I choose to use the time wisely by complaining about the 20lbs I still need to lose. I stressed out this week when I thought my DVR forgot to record House. And then I stayed awake in bed that night thinking about the children who now have no parents, and the parents who now have no children. How they survived the quake but instead of properly grieving for the loved ones they lost, they have to figure out how they’re going to survive. Where are they going to get shelter? Food? Clean Water? Medicine? They can’t even mourn the loss of their loved ones properly because there’s not time, room, facilities for proper burials. But even if there was…what good would it do with so many deaths? And here I am…griping at my husband about our stupid DVR.

Obviously we can’t spend ever waking moment feeling guilty that we just happened to be born into a privileged situation. And just because we’re blessed doesn’t mean we can’t bitch and moan and complain about getting stains on our “Life Is Good” shirt, or losing one of our favorite hiking socks. But with those images still all over the news, and the telethon from Friday playing on my iPod, I can’t stop thinking about the trivial things in my life that I let upset me, and how they are all First World Problems. I am having trouble with my usual trivial whining (which I do A LOT of, in case you were wondering) because that voice in the back of my head keeps saying: Quit Your Bitchin’.

But…what should I do instead? Obviously we can’t donate gobs of money or time to charity, so I can’t do any real good for these people. Yet the guilt…it’s still keeping me awake at night. The desperate need inside my heart to be a better person, appreciate the blessings in my life, these things have become so strong since the earthquake. I keep telling myself it will all fade as time passes and I’ll be able to get back to complaining about my First World Problems: GUILT FREE! But do I want to? Do I want the images from Haiti to fade from my memory just so I can feel better about bitching about things in my life that are really NOT A BIG DEAL. Because I went through the same emotional crisis after Katrina, and the Tsunami. But those images eventually faded allowing me to go back to my trivial problems and treating them like they ARE VERY IMPORTANT. (Which they’re not.) Or do I want to find a way to take those images this time and use them to make me a better person? Is that even possible?

I’m just wondering if any of you find yourself thinking about these things in the wake of big disasters? Do you find yourself looking at your blessed life (because we are all so very blessed) and feeling guilty for bitching about it? My favorite thing about Torrie’s new site is her About Page where she says, “My old blog had the word “HATE” in the title. I complained a lot. I decided it was time for me to be more positive, more grateful, and set a better example for my daughter.” That is where I’m at. I want to be a better example to my kids and show them with my actions how lucky we really are. Do you do like I do and just wait for all of the guilt you feel after these catastrophic events to fade with time? Or have you ever actually made changes in your life to help resolve the guilt? Or, is this one the many problems unique to me and my extreme guilt issues? Because that wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest.

Focus on important things, Mom, like getting this chalk OFF MY ASS. It’s embarrassing.

Every year I make resolutions. I just like the idea of it. Hell, every Sunday I feel like I mentally resolve to do things differently the next week, so of course I’m going to take advantage of the biggest Monday of all! There’s just something refreshing about the beginning of a new week, a new month, a new year. It’s so easy to convince yourself you have a clean slate…so why not take advantage of it by writing on it what you WANT to write?

But this year I’m doing things a little bit differently. I’ve found myself thinking more about what I’m not going to do. I’ve bagged up most of my craft items to give away, because I’m going to quit starting random crafty projects. I don’t even finish half of them anyway, and the other half tend to stress me out by taking away time from other things. I’m going to say, “No!” more often. I’m going to quit jumping on these unrealistic blogging bandwagons. I mean, I couldn’t even stick with NaBloPoMo for the entire month. One trip out of town and I dropped the ball. So I’m definitely not going to try any other 365 projects. No matter how much I want to.

My main resolution is that I’m forcing myself to stop and think before starting (or agreeing to start) any new project. I’ve removed the crafting temptation and am only going to focus on my photography for a creative outlet. (And my blog, of course, I don’t even consider that an option any more.) I’m going to quit telling people I’ll do things only to let them down. I’m just going to avoid committing to anything I’m not 100% certain I can do. JUST SAY NO. It’s something I’ve been working on over the years…but that I’ve never been really successful at. I just have a hard time letting people down, and if I say, “No,” I feel like I need to provide bulletproof excuses why I can’t. In my head, “I just don’t have the time…” is not a good enough excuse, I guess. Not unless it’s followed by, “because I’m spending all of my days helping refugees from Darfur.” If someone doesn’t understand/believe my claim of “not having the time,” then they probably aren’t someone I need to be working with or helping anyway. Because obviously they don’t know me that well. Right? BACK ME UP HERE! (See? The paranoid insecurity is already setting in and I’ve not even told anyone, “No.” yet.)

So…my main resolution? To stop doing, or saying I’ll do, so much extra stuff. Whether to myself or to others. (Because let’s face it…I let myself down on projects not completed more often than I let down others.) Three kids, a husband, a job hunt, a half-marathon training schedule and what will hopefully be a college schedule in the Fall? That’s plenty. RIGHT?

The best thing about the ball pit Santa brought us? Static Hair!

These Kids Deserve The Best ME I Can Give Them

I’ve been thinking about the Yelling issue the last few days and about how, in my own life, that negative behavior can be blamed on the same thing a lot of my negative behavior can be blamed on: Acting Without Thinking.

I am the type of person who is constantly trying to better myself. I am also the kind of person who is often failing at trying to better myself. I like to think that makes me special. I often look at my failures and try to find common threads in them…maybe the root of the problem. What is it that makes me attempt these things and fail over and over again? And I realize that the majority of the problems in my life that I tackle over and over and over again – those problems could be solved if I would just learn to THINK before I act.

Let’s talk dieting. 2 weeks ago I proclaimed my joy over fitting into my size 8 jeans again. At that point in time I had lost 19lbs. Since then? I’ve gained 3 back. And let me tell you why: I’m to stressed/anxious/irritated to think before I binge.

When the thought occurs to me (often late at night) to indulge in something I shouldn’t…I immediately do it. I don’t think about why I shouldn’t…I just DO IT. It gets worse. If I can’t do it immediately – like if the thought is about french fries at the fast food place down the road – I purposely avoid thinking about it until I get there. So that I can eat it without feeling guilty first. Yes, of course I’ll feel guilty about it afterward, almost immediately afterward, but I’ll have already eaten it so – Too Late! Ha!. So sometimes I’m driving down the road to the ice cream place thinking, but not about the action I’m about to take. I’m thinking Oh! Pretty Tree! Funny Bumper Sticker! Ugly House! Dead Armadillo!, but I’m not thinking about the fried chicken tenders I’m about to inhale in 12.2 seconds. So therefore? No annoying subconscious to get in the way of my decision making.

But if I could just STOP and THINK, there are so many things in my life that I could change. STOP. Think about eating that browning before eating it…then maybe I can talk myself out of it. STOP. Think about yelling at my kids before I do it, then maybe I’ll come up with a better alternative. And then…here’s the big one: STOP. Think about any emotional response before I have it. Responding to anything with a boat load of emotion behind it? Always fails for me. Yet I do it ALL THE DAMN TIME.

Since Dad died, I feel like this bad habit of responding to a situation on fresh emotion? Has gotten much worse. And of course, when I’m responding off of emotion? There are probably tears involved. This never ends well. NEVER. I always feel like an idiot afterward, and usually my point doesn’t even get successfully made because the emotions block the path. If you start crying when trying to communicate with someone, the tears will either screw up the message, or the person on the receiving end of the message is so uncomfortable with the tears that the don’t pay attention to it. But mostly? I just look like an idiot.

One not-so-big-of-a-deal example is the day I got laid off. I was upset (obviously) and when I went to get the kids from daycare one of the directors had to remind me that I hadn’t paid my registration fee for the upcoming year. I was confused because I had thought it would just come out with tuition but it turns out they needed me to sign something to make that happen and I’m AWFUL about not reading the fine print. Well…I felt so stupid. I felt like a failure for getting laid off and then I forgot/messed up something for my kids. I hate being the parent that forgets stuff…so I kinda started crying. And then I wanted to convey that it was not HER making me cry so I said, “I’m sorry, I got laid off today…” to try to explain my tears. That didn’t help because then, of course, she thought I was upset about having to pay the late fee with no job. But that wasn’t it…I just needed to STOP TALKING and take several deep breaths and THINK. Because my emotions were screwing up what I was trying to say which was, “So Sorry! I’ll bring the check tomorrow!” and they were making her feel bad because she thought she was the one that made me cry.

See? STOP. Think. And more often that not? DEEP BREATHS. These things would come so in handy if I would just apply them.

So…instead of saying, “Back on track! I’ll lose that 3lbs!” or “Mom Mission: Decrease The Pointless Yelling!” – I’m going to try something different. I’m going to try to get to the root of the problem when I fail in my Many Missions To Improve Myself. I’m going to try to simply STOP. And then Think. I’m going to be deliberate with my actions. If I’m doing or saying something? It’s because I thought about it for a few seconds first. Maybe even a few minutes, if it’s a big thing. If I’m too emotional to respond in that moment, stop for a minute and breathe. Maybe don’t say anything. If I feel the urge to yell? Count to 10. Think about other ways of responding first. If I want that huge pumpkin muffin? Stop. Think. Maybe I want to walk around the block instead. Or do 5 push-ups.

For the rest of this week…that’s my goal. To be very deliberate in every step I make. I’ll kick start this by exaggerating a lot of the pauses in my mind so I can force myself into the habit. I’ll pause before EVERYTHING…just to get used to the feeling. Need to Pee? STOP. Think. Do I need to pee right now? Which bathroom should I use? Do I need to put on my shoes? STOP. Think. Which shoes should I wear? Deliberate on every mundane and stupid thing there is…just to get my mind used to the idea so that when the big things come up like the urge to scream, “I HATE YOU!” to my husband when he accuses me of throwing something away for the 10th time that day…I’ll know to stop and think and say something calmly like, “You know? You really make me want to blow my brains out sometimes.”

It’s always about the baby steps, right?