AndyZ decided about 12:30am last night that he would like to stay up for a few hours and just hang out. He wasn’t fussy or cranky, he just was awake. I fed him (a lot, praying it would put him back to sleep) and changed his diaper and rocked him, but all he wanted to do was hang out. And be adorably awesome in every way. I found myself really enjoying the time, even though I was SO TIRED.

I found myself using the semi-quiet time to ponder the fact that I was up at an ugly time of night, yet I wasn’t upset about it. With NikkiZ, I was usually crying if she wasn’t letting me sleep. Yet - there I was - just enjoying it. All because I thought for a split second, “Hey. He’s being cute. I’m digging this.” As opposed to focusing on, “Hey. He’s keeping me awake and I’m exhausted so I’m going to have a breakdown.”

So - I started pondering the power of THOUGHT. And how, if I could change my moods with a clear thought, I’d be in good shape. I found myself really making a plan to stay positive and if I felt like I was getting overwhelmed or losing my patience, to just turn that thought around and find a reason to enjoy the moment. By the time AndyZ fell back to sleep THREE HOURS LATER, I felt like a new woman. I was ready to conquer the next day with my new outlook on life.

And then NikkiZ woke up at 6am. Two-and-a-half hours after AndyZ fell back to sleep. I suddenly wasn’t so inspired or motivated to stay positive. Instead, I was cursing and mumbling and grumbling across the house and to her bedroom. I grouchily said, “I’ll give you breakfast when I’m doing feeding your brother,” when she asked for oatmeal. I grumpily fixed her breakfast and mumbled while feeding AndyZ.

I’m thinking those nighttime thoughts were mere delusions brought on by extreme exhaustion. It was fun while it lasted. Maybe I’ll try to implement those middle-of-the-night life changes some other day. Today I think I’ll just be grumpy.

Like a certain grumpy old man I know.

When, Why and How I’m doing this here

Start Date: March 4, 2008
Finish Date: November 30, 2010

Health/Food
1. Try 5 new fruits/vegetables I’ve never tried before
2. Make my own jelly/preserves OR can something
3. Do 50 push ups (boy style FULL pushups, not on my knees) in a row
4. Run another half-marathon
5. Eat only raw foods for an entire day
6. Get a full physical
7. Get back to my wedding day weight
8. Bake something from scratch
9. Do 200 sit ups/crunches in a row
10. Go on a hike that is longer than 10 miles

Giving to Others
11. Do the Komen 3 Day Breast Cancer Walk
12. Give a restaurant gift certificate to a Mom needing a break from cooking
13. Donate blood
14. Make a $100 donation to a local charity
15. Participate in a large protest OR a large support event August 2008
16. Finally give all of the clothes in garbage bags in the garage to charity April 2008
17. Give someone a “just because” gift
18. Write a letter to a grandparent
19. Volunteer for something for each child’s school/class
20. Spend one day being a “servant” to each family member as a Pamper Day

Writing/Blogging
21. Post at least 3 book reviews
22. Write a short piece of fiction
23. Compose a “If something dire ever happens to me” letter and give it to a family member
24. Write a letter to each family member telling them why I love them
25. Submit a piece to a printed publication
26. Publish an entry on my blog every day for 3 months in a row
27. Handwrite a blog entry and scan it to the blog
28. Post an entry titled “Dear Body”
29. Make sure all pictures show up on my blog from pre-Wordpress
30. Attend a local blogger meet-up OR a blogging conference

Local To Huntsville/Northern Alabama
31. Attend a performance at the Flying Monkey
32. Take LilZ to a Concert
33. Attend a play/musical at Grissom
34. Go to a bluegrass festival
35. Attend a comedy show
36. Attend a non-mandatory lecture or seminar
37. See an exhibit at the art museum
38. Camp one night at Monte Sano
39. Hike the Walls of Jericho
40. Go to a wine tasting

Travel and Vacation
41. Travel out of the United States
42. Take another quite beach vacation (hopefully to Alligator Point) with the whole family
43. Go tent camping with the kids May 2008
44. Ride a real roller coaster
45. Visit the family in Nashville
46. Go for a hike in the Smokies on one of the trails from my childhood
47. Visit Betsy
48. Go to the Jack Daniels Distillery
49. Stay in the Opryland Hotel one night
50. Visit Washington DC

Trying New Things
51. Learn at least 50 (new) ASL signs
52. Wear a skirt/dress every day for a week
53. Build something that requires using the table saw
54. Start a compost pile
55. Sew something with a sewing machine March 2008
56. Take a dance or aerobics class
57. Swim in a lake and/or ocean past where I can touch
58. Get a makeup lesson/makeover
59. Refinish a piece of furniture
60. Wear fingernail polish for a whole week

Home/Family Life
61. Finally frame the dozens of family pictures we’ve had made since NikkiZ June 2008
62. Paint our bedroom and master bath
63. Compile emergency supplies for home
64. Get new faucets for the bathrooms
65. Scan all of our old photos
66. Spend 24 hours alone with my husband
67. Wash the blinds/curtains
68. Redo the photo hall walls June 2008
69. Get real patio furniture
70. Learn how to cook 10 different meals.

Arts, Crafts, and Photography
71. Obtain a piece of original art for my home
72. Make a scrapbook (It can be a small one)
73. Attend one of those pottery classes/days with the kids
74. Support a craftsperson—buy something handmade (either in person or online) August 2008
75. See an author read from his or her work
76. Switch out pictures in both easel frames in the house
77. Document a “day in my life” with photos
78. Make a necklace
79. Paint something on a canvas
80. Do a photo essay of some of my most sentimental possessions

Monthly Challenges
81. One month without diet coke
82. Work out 3 times a week for 1 month
83. One month without TV
84. Record total amount of money spent on food for a month
85. One month without sweets/desserts
86. Photograph my outfits everyday for a month
87. Go a whole month without eating out
88. Get a sketch book and fill a page every day for a month
89. Play a game with one of the kids every night for a month
90. One month without coffee

Miscellaneous
91. Buy a pair of high heels and wear them three different times
92. Vote in a presidential election
93. Vote in a local election
94. Subscribe to a scientific magazine
95. Plant something from seed
96. Attend a Book Club/ Readers Group
97. Read at least 5 non-fictions
98. Attend mass
99. Chaperone some event for LilZ’s school
100. Read a National Geographic issue cover to cover

Last but not least
101. Make a new list of 101 Things by the time my 1001 days are done

I remember when Zandria first wrote about her 101 things in 1001 days project. It pops into my head every so often as one of those things I’d like to do myself. One of these days. Down the road. When I have time. After (insert random event here) happens. Tomorrow. Someday.

The other day she had a post that said she had been at this for fourteen months so far. And I thought to myself, “Damn. It sure is taking me awhile to get started.” I decided to finally get off my ass and try to make my own list already. It was finally time. Or maybe I just realized that, as my life gets more and more hectic, I have to just start making time for things.

I was too overwhelmed to start my own list from scratch - so I started with Zandria’s exact list copied into an excel spreadsheet. (Do you think she would have noticed if I had just kept it that way?) I knew there were a lot of items on her list that I wanted to keep on my own. So, I just started by deleting the ones that wouldn’t work for me. I first removed with the ones that were not much of a challenge (I start conversations with random strangers every time I’m in line at Target) and then removed the ones that didn’t really fit my life. As I started doing those two things…the ideas started flooding through my head and before I knew it I had my own list.

I went into this trying to keep two motivating factors in mind: (1) Strive to become a better version of myself and (2) Branch out of my comfort zone a little bit. I decided to make groups of 10 - each with a different focus. I did this to keep myself from doing 50 things in one vein. I wanted a well-rounded list. I made one group of monthly challenges so I’d have some months that I could focus on one task for the entire month. Some of the items will be done in a few minutes, others might take several months. I ended up deleting and reorganizing and rephrasing several times over before I finally thought, “Okay. I’m done.” I think there are still a handful of items from Zandria’s list - but surprisingly it’s mostly mine now.

I feel like making this list was as much of an exercise in introspection as it will be to complete the list. I really thought a lot about what little things I’d like to force myself to do and try in my life. I’m hoping some of these items sponsor big changes in my life, but even if they don’t? The list will still be done. I’m very excited to have this in the background of my life. It gives me a bit of focus in what feels like has become quite an unfocused existence.

I hope when I’m 14 months in, I’ll have as much crossed off as Zandria did.

I decided to publish the list as a separate entry so I can go back to cross things off (like Zandria does) when I complete an item and hopefully link to the entry I mention it on. If you are motivated to do a similar list, I would love to see your final edition. Especially now that I have my own so I can’t steal from you as blatantly as I did Zandria.

You know - Valentine’s Day was always one of those days growing up that I either spent sleepless night anticipating - or I spent the day only wanting to be crying in bed. I didn’t consistently have boyfriends growing up, so most of the years it was spent in the last condition.

I do remember one Boyfriend-Free Valentine’s Day that turned out pretty awesome. I think it was my Junior year in high school and I ended up getting two bouquets of roses delivered to me at school. (I went to a very small school where that was allowed.) It turned out one was from my brother - because he was an awesome brother (still is) and knew it would make me smile - and the other was from a SECRET ADMIRER. Those are the best flowers to get when you’re single, because the hope that grows from that action is intoxicating. I ended up dating the guy who gave them to me for a short while, but we just weren’t a match. I was more a match with the feeling than with the guy.

Once I became a Mom - Valentine’s Day became much more about my kid(s). Making cupcakes or cards for daycare parties, or just using the day as an excuse to give them candy and a small gift. I know many hate it for it’s commercial origins, but I am all for any day that motivates me to be kind and sweet to those I love. Take a break from nagging and bitching and maybe give a few extra hugs and make a few special desserts. There’s nothing wrong with that. If I were perfect, I wouldn’t need a day to inspire me to do those things. But I’m far from perfect. And I need to be reminded that even though the dirty dishes annoyed the shit out of me this morning, and I’m sick of finding socks underneath the coffee table, and why, why, why are the cordless phones all in LilZ’s room? - Today is the day to just make sure my family knows how much I love them.

Tomorrow - I’ll nag them about the phones, dishes, and socks. And possibly the next day as well.

This is what NikkiZ thinks about my spiritual condition

Just for the record - I woke up at 4am to a tornado siren. There are not many ways to start a day that could raise an anxiety level higher than that. The threats have long passed, but my nerves are still fried. Now - onto the real blog topic.

Today is Ash Wednesday. This is definitely the Catholic event I miss the most from my practicing days. There is just something I always found renewing about the Ash Wednesday mass. I also enjoyed walking around the rest of the day and seeing who else was Catholic as we all spent the day dealing with remarks like, “You have something on your head.” At least that was the case for those of use who attended non-Catholic after-school care programs. Like coming in uniform didn’t make us weird enough - one day a year we had black crosses smeared below our hairlines. Those kids at that daycare were very suspicious of us.

I also miss the idea of Lent and trying to make a change in your life for the better, or make a sacrifice to prepare for a religious event. I like the concept of 40 days of sacrifice or betterment. Every year I wonder if the fact that I no longer fully believe in the religious aspect of Lent, should keep me from the spiritual side of it. I’ve decided this year - I’m not going to let it stop me. Why should I turn my back on a day that inspires change in my heart? So — I don’t follow the Jesus Rises From The Dead rhythm of the Easter season, I can still say, “Hey. I want to be a better person.” There just seems like there’s a positive energy of change in the air during Lent as people are trying to give up their favorite vices to prepare for a spiritual renewal. I might as well join the energy, even if I’m not part of the religion.

So - I guess I want to observe Lent this year. Not necessarily with Jesus’ 40 days of fasting and preparation in mind. Or with any Christian concepts in mind at all. (Which means I obviously won’t be referring to it as “Lent” in my case.) But just simply for the sake of improvement and preparation. I may not be celebrating the rising of my religious savior from death, but I am adding a baby to my family in three months, and that takes spiritual preparation as well. I’ve been really depressed and anxious since my layoff - I think I need some sort of renewal and a way to get myself in the right mindset to welcome a new child into our family.

Are you observing Lent? Do you make sacrifices or fast in anyway? If you do - are you religious? Do you find someone like me - who observes it without the church in mind - offensive? Or are you like me and using the excuse to join the spirit of renewal your friends and family may be partaking in. I’d love to hear your views and what changes you’re making in the next 40 days.