I had a tough day yesterday. My endometriosis is making my life miserable as it is prone to do monthly; and I had a long day that ended with the realization that I had forgotten to send an important and time-sensitive email to a group of about 60 people. I finally got home, put the kids to bed and played around on the interwebs, mentally complaining about the stupid crap going on in my life.

And then I read that Susan had lost her battle with cancer and my perspective was rightfully shifted.

I didn’t know Susan any more than I know anyone I read daily, and we knew her death was near, but it still hit me hard and I found myself sobbing. We become so close through these computer screens, closer than outsiders realize, and things like this can remind you how real the bonds are.

Her husband asked that in leiu of flower we donate to Inflammatory Breast Cancer Research…

Or please choose to make a difference somewhere, anywhere, to anyone.

I did the easy part – I donated. The second part is harder. Susan made what I often refer to as a Ripple of Awesome and it touches so many lives that – someday – it will come full circle back to her family. Hopefully, several times over. And today I hope to add to that. I’m not going to change the world today, I’m not that naive, but I can try to at least spread joy, happiness, try to “make a difference” in whatever small ways I can. It’s really what I should be doing every day, but it’s shakeups like this that remind me of that. That redirect me. Reorient me. Point me in the direction I should be going instead of the easy path.

It’s the least I can do to show the world that these connections we make through our blogs, they are real. They can make real change in lives. These blogs allow voices like Susan’s the platform to inspire. To heal. To change. And when one of those voices is silenced, the sadness we all feel is real too.

You go first. How are you doing?

FINE. I’ll go first. Let’s get the bad out of the way. My eating habits have not been adjusted like I had hoped they would. Do you like how I phrase that? Like it’s some sort of thing I’m hoping will just happen as opposed to something I might have failed at. I like to divert responsibility when at all possible.

IN MY DEFENSE…I knew this would be a rough time, the first part of the year. I knew with all of my theatre volunteer obligations (There are TWO shows being worked on at this very moment and E is in both of them and Nikki and Wes are even in one of them) that I’d be busy and a bit stressed and we ALL know what Kim does when she’s stressed. SHE EATS EVERYTHING IN ALL OF THE BOXES.

It’s been a rough four days especially. Non-stop eating and this time it wasn’t the usual 3 peanut butter sandwiches and bowls of cereal. This time I’ve been doing some REAL anxiety binging. Due to some unfortunate shopping decisions I’ve had cookies and chocolates and due to some birthday leftovers we had ice cream and cheesecake last week. I hate THREE pieces of cheesecake for LUNCH one day. Anxiety eating insanity? Has reached previously unknown heights in 2012. I’m setting new standards for stressful calories gained in one day! GO ME!

Gained a few pounds but you know what’s great? Today is FEBRUARY 1st! Perfect day for someone like me to “start over” and let February be a better month than January. WHO IS IN?

Now…my fitness on the other hand? Going well. I’ve had to miss a few boot camps due to babying of my IT band, but I’ve stayed pretty consistent with my running. I made my goal of 100 miles a month and did 106 as of yesterday. I’ve done a chunk of trail miles in all of that – some really tough ones that week including one stretch that was so steep it had a warning sign at the TOP (when I finally made it there) warning of the “Dangerous Descent” ahead.

And then yesterday I killed a hill workout at boot camp. This hill in the picture (which it seems is not that impressive to some people who look at the photo…but I’m still proud) elevates about 130ft over a 1/4 mile. It’s not super-steep, but it’s a long steady climb and I ran it SIX TIMES during our workout. Up and Down. Up and Down. SIX TIMES. I was super-proud of myself. Not only because I did it six times, but because it was kinda…well…easy. I mean, I struggled, but for the first time since we’ve been doing that workout I didn’t once consider walking. NOT EVEN ONCE.

So…100 miles for a few pounds of anxiety eating. I guess I can process the trade-off and still call it a WIN for 2012. Mainly because I’m so proud of those six hill repeats that I can’t stand letting my nightly stress eating take away any of that. SIX TIMES!

I’ve always stood by that there are no magic transformative moments, it’s a lot of baby steps forward, and baby steps backward, before you see real change. 2011 still saw me in the “IMPROVED” column and I’m planning on the final report of 2012 to say the same thing. Even if there are a few late night cheesecake binges scattered throughout the successes.

This time every year I hear a lot of, “I hate New Year’s! The expectations! The resolutions bound to fail! The pressure is too great!”

Obviously these people aren’t as OCD about beginnings as I am.

I’ve always been someone that starts a “diet” on a Monday, and if I fail at any point in the week, I throw the whole week out and wait to start again the following Monday. I was the same with exercise plans. And vows to keep caught up with laundry. Monthly beginning are even more powerful: I’m going to read the kids a story every night! I’m going to cook real meals five nights a week! I’m going to shower!

(Who am I kidding with that last one, right?)

So, if Mondays and the first of the month hold that much weight for me, you can imagine how much I love New Year’s Day. BEST DAY OF THE YEAR, in my opinion.

I do get a little anal retentive about things, this LAST week of the year, however. For example, I really want to log all of my runs this year. I’ve used RunKeeper off and on this year, but I wanted to start anew so I spent about 30 minutes the other day DELETING ALL OF MY RUNS off RunKeeper. Just so I could start clean for 2012. I’m also pledging in 2012 to not start any new Pinterest projects until I finish the several I’ve started in 2011. To do that I had to clean and organize my workspaces this week.

So, basically? The last week of the year I spend prepping for the first day of the year.

But I love it. I love it ALL. I love the feeling of a fresh start, I love the potential. Do I ever really see through any of my “resolutions” of the year? Never. At least not how I map them out. But I always see some sort of change in my life. At least a budge in the right direction. 2011 was a HUGE year of changes for me that all started with the excited start to the year.

So I jump into 2012 hoping to be able to look back at the end of the year and say, “I didn’t do it all, but I made a step in the right direction.”

Because like I always say – as long as I’m trying to be better in some way, then I know I’m at least heading in the right direction. I don’t want the failures of the past to discourage me from successes of the future. That’s what’s great about the New Year, you can compartmentalize all of the failures in the past year and start with nothing but potential for success.

My Goals for 2012

• Log all of my runs. I hit 100 miles in October when I was logging miles for my training group and knowing that felt SO GOOD. I’d love to keep track of it all for 2012 and see how THAT feels.
• Finish projects. I’m not going to commit to finishing them ALL, because some projects are better left discarded. But I’m not going to start any new projects until I finish most of the half-complete ones I’ve got haunting my craft table and office.
• Cut back on my consumption of Diet Coke. I’m not going to say I’ll quit, but I’m going to drastically cut back. My goal is to stop grabbing one to take in the car every time I walk out the door. But it will take awhile to break that habit.
• Do more trail running! Did my first one last week: SO FUN. I’ll write more about that later.
• Nag less, Goof Off more. No explanation needed, that one is pretty obvious.
• Run the Rocket City Marathon. I’ve finally been vocalizing that goal to make it real so I feel like I can put it down in writing. I’m going to join the Rocket City Marathon training group for the last half of the year so that in December, 2012 I can run it. EEK.

I LOVE THE NEW YEAR. Bring it on, 2012. In many ways I feel like I kicked 2011′s ass, so you better watch out.

I actually did really well eating on our trip. Traveling is one of those stimuli that tend to make people struggling with weight loss or health lose all willpower. New irresistible food! Difficulty find means to exercise! Busy schedules! All of these things combine to make it very difficult to stay on any healthy path while you’re on the road.

BUT I DID IT! I ate well! I ran both mornings!

But then, ON THE WAY HOME, we stopped at Applebee’s. And let me tell you something I did not know about Applebee’s until yesterday as we never eat there. THEY HAVE THE BEST FRENCH FRIES IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

Now, I didn’t order any, of course. But the kids did. And they sent some to Donnie even though he didn’t order any. So I was surrounded by one of my most tempting foods and I JUST COULDN’T RESIST. I basically ate all of the french fries on both the kids plates because they didn’t want them.

And let’s just say – the day went downhill from there.

There are two things I fight against: 1) My addiction to the act of eating itself and 2) Stress eating. And when I finally got home yesterday? It was like I walked into a wall of stress. All of the things I had been telling myself I’d deal with AFTER this trip were just waiting for me at home and I panicked and continuing the bad eating habits for the rest of the evening.

In other words? YAY! FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR WHILE TRAVELING! BOO! FOR RUINING IT ALL THE SECOND I GOT HOME!

Luckily, I live a fit lifestyle now that allows me to have bad days without gaining weight. As long as it stays to ONE DAY. And that’s where the “Addicted To Eating” hurdle comes into play. For those of you – like me – who feel addicted to the act of eating, you know it’s like any addictive behavior. You fall off the wagon one day and it’s hard to get back on.

So today is the key day. The thing I’ve been working for this whole year. Retraining myself so that having a bad day doesn’t lead to a bad week…month…and then year. Someone with a healthy relationship with food and eating has a bad day and then follows it with a good day and never flinches. I don’t think I’m 100% there yet, but if I’ve learned anything this year as I’ve turned myself into a new person in the Fitness Department – it’s that I’m a lot stronger than I ever realized.

So yesterday can just stay there. One bad day. And today can be separate. A good day. And I will take away a new lesson: NEVER EVER EAT EVEN ONE APPLEBEE’S FRENCH FRY EVER AGAIN.

Because there are limits to my strength.

I’m sure that’s annoying. To have someone constantly be like, “I’m so busy!” Because – let’s be honest – aren’t we all? Don’t we all wish we had a few more hours in our days? Whether we’re watching TV and cruising Facebook OR training for a half-marathon and volunteering a lot — we’re all busy. I feel like it’s probably pretty self-righteous to claim I’m busy around any other adult because YES. WE ARE ALL BUSY. GET OVER IT. That’s part of being a grown-up. It counterbalances the awesomeness associated with getting to buy beer.

Yet…YET…I do it anyway. I have tons of friends 20 times more busy than I am who never whine “Oh! Just so much to do!” So I know it’s possible to shut up that annoying reflex. That part of me that says: You haven’t blogged! Remind everyone how busy you are! It’s like breathing…I JUST DO IT WITHOUT THINKING. And I hate that. I think that trait is probably more annoying that someone who is always the Martyr: Yes. I do this but only at a HUGE sacrifice to myself and my family. Or the One-Upper: Oh? You have something bad in your life? Well here’s my something WORSE. And definitely worse than the Passive Aggressive Bitching Person: Well, I’d be able to do that stuff too if I didn’t have this thing to deal with that you don’t have to deal with. Those people are irritating but I’ve decided the Person Who Constantly Reminds The World How Busy She Is Even Though The Entire World Is Busy Too (ME!) is waaaay more annoying than all of the other people combined. I WIN ALL OF THE AWARDS FOR MOST ANNOYING! I’d come accept those awards if I wasn’t so busy…

SEE! Can’t help myself.

I have a friend who tried to go 24 hours without saying anything negative. That’s completely impossible for me. A GIRL HAS TO WHINE SOMETIMES. But I am going to try to stop that specific negative talk where I remind anyone within earshot that I’m busy. They either know me well enough to know I’ve got a lot on my plate, or they don’t and most definitely DON’T CARE. Stop it already, Kim. IT’S DAMN ANNOYING.

That’s how you know you’re annoying. You give yourself a new personality that is solely in charge of telling the rest of you to STOP IT, ALREADY.

What reflexive trait drives you the craziest, after Kim: She Who Reminds Us She Is Busy Constantly, of course.

A magical, defining moment in time that would start my weigh tloss and it would keep going until I hit my goal.

THE END.

That’s the way we see it on TV and we read it in many personal testimonies. There are many stories of women and men WITH those moments. We read their blogs and we see their magic transformations started by these defining moments. So we assume we will all have those moments.

But you know what I’ve learned? That for 90% of us, maybe more, we don’t have those magical moments. If you’re like me, you have SOME moments. Inspiring articles. Good runs. Low-calories days. Pounds drop off. But you know what often comes next? Bad moments. And you know what I’m learning VERY SLOWLY? That I can’t let those bad moments make me give up. I can’t look at last week, see how bad it was (it was VERY bad), and give up. I can’t just say, “Hmm. That wasn’t my Magical Moment. I guess I’ll give up until I find another one.”

That’s the only difference between then and now. I assumed I needed that moment. I assumed that somewhere down the road, I’d be at my goal weight and when someone asked me how I did it, I would be able to say: THIS IS WHAT WORKED. I could pinpoint the exact day when I started my success because that day would have had my Magical Moment.

The magical workout. The magical diet. The magical person/book/blog. Some ONE THING that made a difference and started my path of success.

But you know the truth? Only a few people have those magical moments. And because they’re magical, they get a lot of attention and focus. But for most of us? It’s not going to work that way.

For me? It didn’t start with one moment. There have been several successful changes that have been followed by failures. I’ve lost 5lbs and gained back 4lbs. I’ve worked out 4 weeks straight, 5 days a week, sometimes twice a day, and then I’ve gone an entire week doing nothing but napping.

I still have a ways to go before I meet my goal. (My goal? To be able to wear my wedding band again. I haven’t worn it since the last trimester of my pregnancy with NikkiZ.) The numbers left are not big, but since my method is success and then failure, even small numbers can be daunting. Slow change is not as satisfying, and sometimes it’s depressing, but I still can’t give up.

I’ve made progress, and the best I can say when people asked me, “What has worked?” is to STOP WAITING FOR THAT MOMENT. Stop waiting for that ONE magical nutrition plan, or workout plan, or woman/man to inspire you. Realize that you need ALL of those moments. A few people only need ONE moment, but the rest of us? We need ALL of them.

For most of us…change is gradual. And while we would all love to have that one thing that changed our lives forever, most of us are going to change over a slow and gradual journey. That’s what worked for me. I quit giving up when I didn’t find my moment.

I wish I had ONE thing I could say worked. I looked for that ONE THING for years. Instead, I’ve had several things that have pushed me in the right direction. I found a fitness program I really like. I am simply trying to eat better. No real nutrition changes, just trying to eat how I know I should be. But many days I don’t. I think it’s easier to make progress even after a bad day when I have a good exercise program, but some weeks I do boot camp in the mornings, run at night, and still gain a pound. Because I stress-ate for 12 hours straight.

Man, I so wish I had a magical moment that worked that I could tell people. Instead, I just have to say that I quit looking for that magic and just took small victories that pushed me in the right direction. And then I haven’t given up when I’ve been pushed back again.

I guess that’s the difference. I quit giving up on the little things trying to wait for that ONE magical thing. For most of us? Change is gradual. They won’t right books about us, or make movies about us. We won’t have features in online magazines about health and fitness. We won’t receive any accolades for how fast and amazing these transformations were.

Instead, we just keep going. Maybe we lose 5 pounds and then gain back three. Maybe we lose 7 pounds and then just keep going. Maybe it takes us 10 months to lose 17lbs (HELLO!), maybe it takes us a year to lose 40. Either way, most of us will not make headlines with our weight loss because for us? Real, lasting change, doesn’t happen in ONE moment. It happens in many moments all pointing us in the right direction. We just can’t give up along the way.

I’m tired! I did absolutely no housework this weekend. None. Whatsoever. I baked a lot of goodies, ate a lot of goodies, and watched a lot of Harry Potter. Hell, some of that started last Monday – the week between boot camp sessions. Those weeks are ALWAYS the worst for me. This is why I adore boot camp, it gives me an accountability that I need. Without that class? I really have very little self-motivation. And when I’m not going to boot camp, then I seem to allow myself to eat as much as HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

So, of course, I went running yesterday. I tend to do this. I feel like the LAST DAY before boot camp starts? I need to do some exercise in order to pretend like I’ve actually been exercising the whole week. Basically, I’m trying to trick myself. You know, because that is SANE.

It’s crazy I still deal with this. I’ve gotten so in love with being in shape and healthy, yet I still can’t seem to really motivate myself to be that way without either (a) A person or (b) an Event. I need someone to notice if I’m not there, or I need an event I’m trying to train for. I just can’t seem to do it without either of those there. In those situations, I become the person I was this week: A person who lays around and eats non-stop.

I wonder if this part of me will ever change.

I’ve lost a little bit of focus in my life. Yesterday, as I felt my brain boiling on the walk from my front door to my van around noon, I was convinced the heat was causing my problems. It’s hard to stay focused in your life when you look out the window of your home or office and see cartoon heat squiggles rising from the pavement. BUT IT’S NOT A CARTOON.

For the record? I do love the heat. I bitch about it because it really is hot and they announced these warnings because – combined with the humidity – this type of heat really is dangerous. But truth be told? I’d rather walk outside and feel like the souls of my shoes were melting to the stairs, than need gloves.

ANYWAY…back to losing focus. See? SEE WHAT I MEAN? It’s like a real-time example of what I’m trying to write about. Me. Losing Focus.

It’s not like there’s one goal I’ve stopped driving towards, it’s just a general feeling of going about my day without any real plan. I think I’m having trouble adjusting to the SUMMER schedule. E not in school. Donnie training for his triathlon. Summer outdoor activities. These things all happen without my control so they require a conscious shift in my mindset — which I think is what I’ve been unable to do. I feel like I need one day to sleep a solid 24 hours, then wake up and be ready for summer. THEN I’ll be focused. YES. Then.

Do you know this sensation? The feeling that you’re just going through the motions without any real mindful awareness of WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I like to at least have some sort of goal for the day, not just stumble around approaching tasks as I see them. I cooked dinner FROM A BOX last night, people. I thought my husband was going to cry. Meal planning requires some sort of focus…OF WHICH I AM LACKING.

I’m thinking I need to sit down with a pen and paper (MAN. That is, like, my favorite phrase EVER. I LOVE OFFICE SUPPLIES.) and just start listing things. Goals for the summer. For the day. For the next five minutes. Try to get my days and my life and my motivations centered so I don’t feel like I’m wandering around aimlessly, looking for donuts.

For those of you who I know via Facebook, me finishing the race yesterday is as much of a relief for you as it is for me. (I use RunKeeper to update Facebook of all of my training runs. With comments such as, “Got home from today’s run and realized my shirt was on backwards!”) For everyone else: Here’s the story. Every Memorial Day our city hosts a big 10K. It’s on several running lists nationwide as it has this NOTORIOUS hill in the middle that I have driven up before, and it scared the crap out of me: IN A CAR. Every year that I’ve run the 5K I think about running the 10K and chicken out. I decided this was the year to do it.

Here is the RunKeeper graph showing my pace mixed with the elevation (in green) – do you see the hill? YES. You can’t miss it. Want to know something? I RAN UP THAT HILL.

A few weeks ago my boot camp coach made us run a different hill in town and that gave me the confidence to run the one yesterday. And you know what? Totally not a big deal compared to boot camp. And it was the one time in the race I was passing people! Heh. Most people walk the hill. I ran it. And then I walked through the water breaks. Because I still can’t drink water while running without A) Choking or B) Missing my mouth entirely. So, yeah. I ran THE HILL, but I walked at 3 different water tables. I like the juxtaposition of those two facts. It fits me.

And my TIME. That time has my pace a few seconds UNDER a 10-minute mile. That is faster than ANY of my 5+ mile training runs. I ran my 6-mile race FASTER than my 5-mile training runs and my race had a HILL in it. A HILL. A BIG SCARY HILL.

Can you feel my pride?

Beyond that…my best 5K time is 32:30. So My 10K time was at a faster pace than my best (and recent) 5K time. When I tell people boot camp has made me faster – THIS is what I’m talking about.

And the picture above. That picture was taken the last time I ran the Cotton Row (the 5K of course) but it might as well be a pre-boot camp picture from September. I basically had the same body and the same fitness level before I started boot camp. I’ve lost 15+ pounds on the scale and probably traded out another 5-10lbs of fat for muscle, if you analyze my measurements. This body is MUCH more fit and getting very lean but most of all? This body is proud. It’s not been easy at all. I always dreamed of being able to look back and say: At THIS MOMENT when I made THIS CHANGE or did THIS THING I lost weight and became fit. Unfortunately, that works for some people, but not for most of us. It started with boot camp, but it was months into boot camp before I lost any weight because I still was battling emotional eating. Hell…I’m still battling it…which is why the weight is coming of so slowly. But still…every month I’m a pound or two or five in the right direction.

And I’m PROUD. I crossed that finish-line yesterday and wanted to collapse because I pushed it so hard towards the end. And I finished 4 whole minutes UNDER my goal time. (My boot camp coach predicted 1:03, he was damn close.) I RAN THE HILL. I kept saying that over and over yesterday because – time, weight, muscles aside – the change in my body and mind that pushed me to run the hill that 90% of the runners walk? THAT is the change that makes me the most proud. I didn’t doubt myself. I didn’t say, “I can’t do that.” I said, “Let’s make this hill my BEEYATCH.” And I did.

But you know what? I didn’t drop that 1.5lbs. And I looked at the scale and cursed it because: I did TWO double-workout days this week. TWO. And I ate cabbage and asparagus for dinner last night. Do you know how healthy that is? DO YOU?

WHY DIDN’T I LOSE THAT 1.5lbs?

And then I looked at this picture I sent to Twitter last night. I took it after a run I did with my HUSBAND, a 5K at the fastest pace EVER: 9:45 minutes/mile. Read that sentence again: 5K. With my husband. 9:45 minutes/mile. This was all done AFTER I did boot camp yesterday morning. Why am I putting so much of my hard-earned pride on the stupid SCALE? Do you see how fast I ran? DO YOU?

So…instead I’m doing an entry about how AWESOME I am. I ran 6+ miles on Sunday in preparation for my 10K on Memorial Day. I ran 5 miles Tuesday night and 3.5 last night. This is on top of boot camp every weekday morning. This is TONS of exercise and I’ve loved every minute of it.

And the speed? Back when I trained for my half-marathons, I was running right around a 12-minute mile. Granted, that was for my longer distances, but the 10K I did was at the same pace. The 5 miles I ran the other night? 10:15 minutes/mile. The 5K? 9:45 minutes/mile. When I started boot camp and my coach timed our mile, I couldn’t even do ONE MILE faster than 10 minutes. I did THREE last night at 9:45. I AM LIKE LIGHTENING.

Now…that picture. I look at that picture and see a BADASS. Seriously. I’m so proud of that picture. Do I still have weight to lose? Yes. But I am still working my ass off in ways I never knew was possible. I’m faster and stronger than I’ve ever been. Wes told me last night he wants some running clothes too…so he can be stinky. Which, you know, he’s a boy – so that is HUGE motivation for anything. BEING STINKY IS AWESOME. My kids ask me if I went to boot camp when they wake up, they know we run races. My husband and I talk workouts and muscle pains. The pounds will drop, I know that, but I’m not going to let the speed at which they drop determine my pride. Not when I can hold a wall-sit for 90 seconds and not even cry when it’s done.

NOW…all of that said…these type of entries tend to upset me as a reader because I always feel like the writer is basically making it sound easy. IT’S NOT. And I have a lot of things going for me that you might not: 1) A husband who works out so I’m motivated to be awesome like him. 2) A teenager who can be there for the kids and babysit when I work out. 3) Extra money at times to pay for classes and gear.

If you are lacking any of these things? It’s going to be 100 times harder for you. If you’re doing it anyway? Then YOU deserve a pat on the back. If you’re not? Don’t be hard on yourself. Do what you can. It’s hard on me even WITH all of these things making it easier. It would be too hard without any of them…I’m not sure if I could motivate myself in other situations.

But in this situation? I’ve done it. I’m going to run a 10K on Memorial Day that I’ve feared for YEARS. I’ve always done the 5K because it doesn’t have the DREADED HILL FROM HELL, but this year? I’m going to kick that hill’s ass. Even if I do it while walking.

Either way – I’m proud. Seriously proud. And that – is something rare for someone insecure like me. So I’m going to savor it, no matter what the scale says.