This is what NikkiZ thinks about my spiritual condition

Just for the record - I woke up at 4am to a tornado siren. There are not many ways to start a day that could raise an anxiety level higher than that. The threats have long passed, but my nerves are still fried. Now - onto the real blog topic.

Today is Ash Wednesday. This is definitely the Catholic event I miss the most from my practicing days. There is just something I always found renewing about the Ash Wednesday mass. I also enjoyed walking around the rest of the day and seeing who else was Catholic as we all spent the day dealing with remarks like, “You have something on your head.” At least that was the case for those of use who attended non-Catholic after-school care programs. Like coming in uniform didn’t make us weird enough - one day a year we had black crosses smeared below our hairlines. Those kids at that daycare were very suspicious of us.

I also miss the idea of Lent and trying to make a change in your life for the better, or make a sacrifice to prepare for a religious event. I like the concept of 40 days of sacrifice or betterment. Every year I wonder if the fact that I no longer fully believe in the religious aspect of Lent, should keep me from the spiritual side of it. I’ve decided this year - I’m not going to let it stop me. Why should I turn my back on a day that inspires change in my heart? So — I don’t follow the Jesus Rises From The Dead rhythm of the Easter season, I can still say, “Hey. I want to be a better person.” There just seems like there’s a positive energy of change in the air during Lent as people are trying to give up their favorite vices to prepare for a spiritual renewal. I might as well join the energy, even if I’m not part of the religion.

So - I guess I want to observe Lent this year. Not necessarily with Jesus’ 40 days of fasting and preparation in mind. Or with any Christian concepts in mind at all. (Which means I obviously won’t be referring to it as “Lent” in my case.) But just simply for the sake of improvement and preparation. I may not be celebrating the rising of my religious savior from death, but I am adding a baby to my family in three months, and that takes spiritual preparation as well. I’ve been really depressed and anxious since my layoff - I think I need some sort of renewal and a way to get myself in the right mindset to welcome a new child into our family.

Are you observing Lent? Do you make sacrifices or fast in anyway? If you do - are you religious? Do you find someone like me - who observes it without the church in mind - offensive? Or are you like me and using the excuse to join the spirit of renewal your friends and family may be partaking in. I’d love to hear your views and what changes you’re making in the next 40 days.

Wow. What a week. For those of you not able to keep up with my insanity, let me remind you that I recently lost my job and have become a kinda crappy stay-at-home Mom. I spent one week at home with my daughter still in daycare (as we had already paid for that week and I’m no fool to turn down childcare) and I spent one week at home, alone, with my daughter. It has been exactly two years since I left her at daycare and went to work. I spent 12 fantastic weeks with my daughter after her birth, and then I cried for weeks when I had to go back. Therefore, logic would dictate that I would have been overjoyed to spend this week with her.

But - it’s different now. I have to stay at home with my lovely child and try to make some money at the same time. And let me tell you - I HAVE FAILED MISERABLY. She’s not taking naps in a way that makes work easy, and by the time she goes to bed at night, I’m zapped creatively. I have only been able to squeeze in about four hours of work a day. Maximum. And that time is done before she wakes up in the mornings. So, I’ve been trying to get up at 4am so I can cram in work time before she wakes up around 8am. THIS MAKES ME OFFICIALLY INSANE. And still not making any money. Awesome.

However - this week has all been just part of the process. No one successfully makes changes over night. And by “no one” I mean “me.” Not huge changes like this, anyway. I’m fairly certain I could successfully become a sloth over night if I needed to, but this is a little different. So, I’m having to adjust my vision of what I’m trying to do. For example, I’ve just learned not to push the napping in the crib thing. Honestly? This has turned out to be nice time for me. We snuggle in bed together and I actually read while she sleeps. Do you know how many books I had read in the last two years - before I started this reading time? Maybe three. Or four. Maybe. I used to read that many in a month. So, I’m getting some good me time. She may only sleep for an hour, but I use that hour to read, or even nap myself. Which may go against my attempts to be Super Mom Who Works From Home, but it takes huge steps towards keeping me as Sane Mom Who Doesn’t Drink Too Much.

It’s such a cliché, but it’s all a learning process. Or maybe it’s a Lowering Your Standards process. I’m learning that I can’t necessarily do it all. It’s tough to admit - so tough I almost erased that sentence all together - but I’ll admit it. Where I do need to find a good way to get something done, I don’t have to find a way to get everything done. And if I take a more relaxed view on my productivity, I find I’m more creative. If I’m constantly saying, “OH MY GOD. I MUST WRITE MORE! MORE! MORE!” then I can’t seem to find a topic that inspires me. So, I’m trying to be more relaxed and that allows the topics to come more freely. I mean, entries about pudding mix on my giant stomach don’t just pop out of nowhere, people.

And when the inspiration hits - whether it’s with writing or with designing - I have to find a way to go for it. I learned yesterday that I can actually get quite a bit done with my daughter in my lap. I woke up in the morning and started tinkering with a new plugin and that grew into tinkering with a new design, (Because I’m sorry, I kinda hate this one too. I’m sick of pink.) and the next thing I knew, I had the picture in my head of how I wanted my site to look/work from now on. I couldn’t just walk away from that, so NikkiZ sat in my lap and colored, while I worked. Then she climbed on my back some, while I worked. Then she got out her dishes and fed me soup, while I worked.

It was like someone smacked me in the forehead yesterday and I thought, “Duh. It’s not like I can’t hang out at the desk when she’s awake. Why haven’t I tried this before? Because I’m an idiot, evidently.”

Now - this is not a way to get 8 hours of work in a day - but it is a way to work when my mind has given me an idea to develop. And that is a huge step. Writing and designing are not tasks you can just sit down and do when you have time. At least I can’t. I have to have the ideas as well. So, finding a way to respond to those ideas immediately, is like winning the freakin’ lottery. Someone just handed me a huge check that says, “Hey - Dumbass! You can work AND be a Mom - AT THE SAME TIME.”

I’m a genius, aren’t I?

So - I’m ready for this week to be loads better. I’m going to launch another design to try to inspire all of you to kill me. I’m taking Monday off from NikkiZ and spending the entire day with my firstborn while MrZ takes Toddler Duty. I’m going to work when inspiration hits and just train NikkiZ to believe that we can have just as much fun at Mommy’s desk as we can in her room. I’m going to finally finish some of the things on my To Do List and I’m going to simply have fun. Because, let me tell you, my daughter is freakin’ hysterical and there is simply no way I can continue this trend of anxiety and sadness with her around. I mean - I can only be so stressed out when my daughter is running around saying, “Yook, Mommma, Yook! I spank my OWN butt!”

Yesterday was a weird day. In a good way, don’t worry! “Weird” can be one of those words that could range from “Rockin’ Awesome” to “Totally Crappy.” I didn’t want you to get confused.

I’ve decided that 2008 is going to be the year that I finally get off my ass and try to get some of the stupid project ideas out of my head and out into reality. I want to make better use of my free time and get something accomplished for once. So, by “launch some new projects” I may actually mean “nothing” so don’t get too excited. I remember Leah writing an entry one time (that I’m too lazy to hunt for) about how she always has all of these ideas in her head at any one time. I know exactly how that feels. However, she seems to actually have skills at launching them (my favorite is her craft trading site) while I have yet to demonstrate any of those skills. Meaning, 2008 may actually turn out to be the year that Zoot Proves She’s Kinda Full Of Shit.

Time will tell!

I’m also going to use 2008 as a year to become active in projects or websites other people have launched! That way, if my ideas crap out, I still will have accomplished things this year. Starting Monday I’ll be posting at least 5 times a day at TV Bloggin’. I am going to clean up the design a little bit over the weekend, but Monday? I’ll finally have an official place to talk about TV until I’m blue in the face!

I also want to start joining more projects related to photography to motivate myself to take more pictures. (Many of you are saying, “Really? You need to take more pictures?”) The first one is Best Shot Monday which I’m excited about joining. It will force me to make decisions (which I suck at) and choose ONE photo per week I consider my “Best Shot” and show it to you all. Aren’t you EXCITED? I know I am.

So - what else should I be doing? Are you doing any cool web stuff this year? Part of any cool clubs I can squeeze my way into? Is there room for me at your lunch table? I would love some more photography adventures, if you know of any good ones, please share! I would also love to possibly participate in some sort of Get Healthy! project but not one that tabulates weight loss since I’m obviously not technically dieting. Maybe a way to chart the miles I’ve walked this year? Any ideas Reed? (He did 100 miles in 99 days.) I’d like some way to set a goal and maybe, and actually MEET that goal. As opposed to just talking about it for the next year.

Essentially - but the time 2009 rolls around - I want to have a list of at least a million new things I tried. And if I’m still a part of at least five of them by the end of the year? I’ll consider it a success.

I’m seriously considering doing some sort of Resolution List this year. I’m not a big fan of the list of specifics (excercise 3 times a week, lose 20lbs, read a book a month, etc.) because they are too constricting and therefore very easy for me to screw up. I’m thinking of some general resolutions like: Walk Sweetie More. I know she is one of those dogs that would benefit from Cesar Millan’s basic principal of the benefits of daily walks. I think it would chill her out and possibly keep her from losing her damn mind whenever anyone knocks on our door.

But I also want to just better myself all around. I’m one of those people who is always trying to think of ways to improve myself, and I just kinda want to make 2008 the year I make true progress. But, I’m kinda stuck. I’d like some good resolutions but I’m lame and can’t think of anything that great. So - could you tell me yours? I want to become: A better Mom, A healthier Woman, and more patient Wife, and a better steward of this planet. Now - your job is to give me some good resolutions to accomplish all of those things. Go!

Last night, when I got home from the movie, it hit me how messy our house was. There were toys everywhere, laundry on the floor, dishes on the counters, and food sitting out. I glanced at it all, and went to bed. As I was about to fall asleep I thought, “I’ll write an entry about how I was so tired I left the house in total disarray.” I don’t do a lot of cleaning, but our house is at least in order. I considered it a huge sign of how worn out I was that I actually went to bed without cleaning up.

When I woke up, at 4:20am, the first thing I did was pick up the house. I was actually disappointed in myself. Last night I really wanted to go to work and leave the house as messy as it was last night. But something inside of me Would. Not. Leave. It. Be.

What is wrong with me? And I’m fairly certain everyone has that thing about them that sometimes makes them crazy. So, share yours with me. Do you have to put the clothes up as soon as them leave the dryer? Do you empty the dishwasher as soon as it’s done? Do you have to have your counters clean? What is it - that no matter how tired you are - you’ll do it. Make me feel better about my own insanity.