Today is my big day. Today - I go to the slammer. Not for that nasty crack habit of mine, but for the MDA’s Lock Up Fundraiser. I’m still $177 dollars from my $2600 goal (my team disintegrated so now I’m only responsible for my share of our bail money) and four hours before they arrest me. I haven’t written my own check yet, but I think I can swing $177 if I need to. I mean, who needs a/c in the car - right? If I fix my a/c, I won’t be able to write about boobsweat!

But seriously - I can not believe I’ve almost made bail. Most of the people who get arrested don’t make bail, you know. Most spend the hour in jail raising money by calling the people they know or work with and asking for donations. And even then - most of them don’t ever make their bail. They just let you go after an hour. But me? I’m making my bail, Baby. All because of this blog. Because of you guys.

They choose the $2600 mark because that sends four kids with MDA to their special summer camp. FOUR KIDS get to go to camp now, thanks to you guys. Do you realize how awesome that is. There are the haters who knock the blogging - but you all have shown what kind of community we have. And I have never been more proud.

(Which I needed after the random comment I got yesterday on an old post about moving NikkiZ out of an awful daycare - why do people who end up in my archives via Google need to throw their parenting critiques my way? WHY? Let’s learn to play nice, can we?)

Brace Yourself For A Very Childish Plea

I am going to make one last plea. Like I said - I will write the check for the remaining so I can make bail. I was hoping to only write a check for $100, but I’ll do $77 more if I need to. But listen - Um - I want to come in first! The last newsletter I was in SECOND PLACE. I have already passed the girl in first in the newsletter (she had $2200), but I don’t know how much she’s earned since then. I want to BEAT HER! I want to beat everyone! [insert evil cackling laugh here.] I’ve never come in first in ANYTHING! So - if you have a few dollars to spare between now and 9am CST, please donate them. It is for a great charity, you know.

Edited to Add: I’m providing updates in the comments section!

Okay - Has everybody now heard that I’m going to jail in September? And I need you to donate to the MDA through my donate page in order to bail me out? Good. Now for the updates:

• First and foremost: The City of Huntsville has now become acquainted with my sweaty boobs. The directer of the MDA fundraiser got wind of my blawwwg and that I’m using it to raise money and she was very impressed with all of your quick action and included it in her jailbird newsletter that she sends out updating on everyone’s progress. This newsletter goes to everyone participating in the fundraiser, including some city officials. I find this both hilarious and terrifying. I feel she should have put a disclaimer on there that says, “May Contain Pictures Of Krazee Girl Documenting Her Own Sweat Marks Under Her Boobs.” Hello, Huntsville. Aren’t you proud of me?
• I’m very excited about doing these spotlights for those of you who have emailed me your receipts. Some of you are people I know and read regularly so it seems almost too easy. The rest of you may be new but you’re cool and I feel a little guilty for acting like this is worth $20. But it’s going to charity - so I won’t feel too guilty.
• I am going to start the spotlights on Monday. I don’t have a lot of free time during the week, so I’m going to set aside time this weekend to write several spotlights to publish M-F of next week. I don’t want to do them on the weekends because the traffic to my site isn’t that great on the weekends. So - look for the first spotlights on Monday.
• I hate, abhor, and loathe my life without diet coke. Seriously. I am really struggling with this. I’m drinking a little bit more coffee in the mornings and I’m trying various substitutes for the caffeine - but it all SUCKS. Diet Dr. Pepper: SUCKS. Diet Pepsi: SUCKS. I hate it all. I like Diet Root Beer okay, but there’s no caffeine. So, I’m suffering adequately over here, you should be happy to hear.
• Life without meat and fast food is a lot hard than I thought it would be. I thought that having been a vegetarian for 5 years and a vegan for 9 months would make it pretty easy. I was wrong. We took my sister-in-law to dinner the other night at my favorite rib place in the world and I didn’t order ribs. And it hurt. Of course, LilZ did and that made it even worse. And I haven’t been able to have a Chik-Fil-A chicken biscuit even once this week and it’s SO SAD.
• As of this moment I believe we have raised right at $1,000. That is one fifth of our goal and we have about four weeks left, so if we can raise the same amount every week - we’ll be doing great. I would love to hear any other suggestions you have of how I can promote or pimp this fundraiser. I’m not very creative and would love if you have any ideas.

There’s your update. I can’t thank you enough for the donations made already. You all have a special place in my heart. Right between the spot I reserve for my new favorite show Burn Notice and the spot saved for buttered movie popcorn. You’re right in between those two. And considering how much I love them both - that’s not a bad place to be.

Okay guys - it’s time for everyone to gather around. I have a big project I have to discuss with you and I need your help. It will involve several opportunities for you to humiliate me - or watch me be humiliated. There’s your motivation to keep reading.

Okay. I’m getting arrested. By a real cop. With real handcuffs. And the only way to bail me out is to go here and donate money to the MDA. Do you see my goal? My goal is $2,600. That’s how much I have to raise to get me and my friend Stace out of jail. SERIOUSLY. You must help me!

I have no idea who nominated me (but if I find out - I’m totally kicking your ass) but it’s obviously someone who has much more faith in my fund raising skills than I have. The phone call went something like this, “Someone nominated you to be arrested - do you mind if we use handcuffs?” My first thought was: Only my husband is allowed to ask me that question. And then, do you know what they asked me next? If I had a preference for what type of cop comes to arrest me.

Now - does that sound like a fund raiser or a strip-o-gram?

The question isn’t as bizarre as it sounds. It’s more because they use real police officers and some women are uncomfortable being fake-arrested by men. But me? I’d prefer a man. A big, beefy, blond man to be exact. And yes. I like handcuffs. Thank you for asking.

So, someone nominated me to be arrested in about 5 weeks and I need to raise the money for my bail before the come get me. Can you help me out? It’s a great charity that helps so many needy children. The money goes to research, summer camps, and medical equipment. That should be enough, but just in case? I’m totally going to make it worth your while on my end as well. I promise. I’ve come up with several ways to motivate you.

Motivational Item Number ONE:
If you are a blogger and donate $20 and send me a copy of the confirmation email (misszoot@gmail.com) along with your blog URL, I’ll dedicate a “Blogger Spotlight” entry where I’ll peruse your blog, find an entry I like, and I’ll write an entry about it. It’s not that exciting, I don’t have a dooce-level readership. But, what my readers lacks in numbers they totally make up for in awesomeness. (Dear MimiSmartypants, I’m sorry.) Hopefully this will be a win for all of us. I get new reading material, you get new readers, and my readers get new awesome blogs to read! And then - the money goes to a charity! It’s awesome times FOUR!

Motivational Item Number TWO: (The one my brother is totally going to take advantage of.)

If you have an task you would like me to complete for a donation, you must make your donation and then send the confirmation email to MrZ at this email (misszoot.mda@gmail.com) along with your request. Maybe you’re nice and just want me to sit on my ass and watch TV (if so, I hope you win!). Maybe you’re enterprising and you’re pimping your own product and want me to talk about it on my blog. Or maybe you’re totally EEEVIL and want me to mow my lawn in a cheer-leading outfit. Whatever it is - it must follow these rules:

• It must be LEGAL
• It must be physically possible
• It must be FREE

I’m not checking these emails because I may accidentally delete the really embarrassing ones.

Keep in mind: Just because you donate, doesn’t mean you’ll win. If you donate $100 and want me to ride my bike in my wedding dress to Target, but someone else donates $110 to see me dye my hair purple, you lose but the MDA still gets your money.

(P.S. MrZ joked he’d be willing to sacrifice some dignity for the cause, so if any of you would like him to be the subject of your humiliation, feel free to email me directly. He looks really cute in a plaid mini-skirt.)

Motivational Item Number THREE:
I have set aside TWO of my own particular brand of humiliating tasks to motivate us to get to the halfway mark and then to the final mark.

My Final Point: $2,600: I’ll go grocery shopping in my Prom Dress (yes, the one from the early 90s) and I’ll have LilZ videotape it and put it online. I have two dresses to choose from and I’ll even wear the side-pony-tail hairdo to go with the dresses in all of their satin and black velvet glory.

Double the Goal (to help Stace with her portion): $5,200: I’ll do Karaoke. At a bar. And I’ll try to be sober. And we’ll videotape it and put it on YouTube. I’m telling you - this is my biggest nightmare. I may have the world’s most awful singing voice but I’ll sing, and I’ll even let you all choose the song. I may even dance a little. And wear period-appropriate attire. To maximize the humiliation.

Motivational Item Number FOUR:
I think there is plenty here to help you feel inspired to donate to the MDA, but I don’t want you to feel like I’m not sacrificing anything (other than my dignity) as well. So, until I reach my goal - or until I get arrested (Sept 13th) - whichever is first, I’m giving up the following things:

• Diet Coke (I drink at least 6 cans a day, I’m addicted to the stuff.)
• Fast food (I eat at chic-fil-a as often as possible)
• Any meat (Hot wings, BBQ, and ribs are the meals of my dreams)

I think those are good sacrifices, don’t you? I ate hot wings three times last week! And I eat fast-food breakfasts several mornings a week. And Diet Coke…oh…going with Diet Coke is going to be the toughest of all. You remember how much I buy weekly, right?

This is a HUGE sacrifice.

So, what do you think…can you help me reach my goal? And I’m open to other suggestions as well for donations. If you want me to clean your house for a donation, I will! As long as you live in Huntsville and don’t mind if my method of cleaning is a little sub-par.

Come on…help a convict out. Please?

It seems there is an overwhelming majority of mothers-to-small-children in the blog-world as many people are there to speak up when I need help with toddler or baby dilemmas, but not so much with the pre-teen questions. But - I am begging you, if you’re out there - I need your help/advice now about LilZ. MY SON HAS A PHONE ATTACHED TO HIS HEAD AND I CAN’T SEEM TO REMOVE IT.

Oh. My. God. First, we have reached a little bit of territory where I have to preserve some information to avoid embarrassing my son to any level, but let’s just say he now has someone to talk to on the phone (wink…wink…) and he is talking to this person every hour of every day.

He is learning my long-standing rule of “Off the phone by 8pm on a school night and 9pm any other night” is a lot more restricting when you have someone to talk to who does not have the same limitations. Now, suddenly, this rule is questioned and he is…get this…asking for a cell phone. Like seeing him on the phone for the last 72 hours straight motivates me in any way to want to sign a contract forcing me to be responsible for paying for those minutes. I have told him he only gets a cell phone when it is something that will make my life easier. No sooner.

So - seriously. What are your phone rules for your talk-a-holic? What about cell phones? When do you give them to your child and how do you make sure they don’t end up costing you your home? And more importantly: How awesome in it to now have the leverage of: “If you don’t do [insert task here] there will be no more phone tonight!” I’ve never seen him take out the recycling so fast before in my life.

I have instructed my husband that he must take me out on a date tomorrow night. It has been sooooo long since we’ve gone on a date and I’ve been feeling really in need of romance and pampering since the baby was born. Since I feel too guilty to demand a date for those reasons, I’ve had to make up a set of “real” reasons we should be going out.

First of all, we will be bidding farewell to my job/career of five years.

(I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the new job! It’s still a little crazy and overwhelming but here it is: I got a new job! I’m leaving the field of GIS and cartography. I’ve gotten a job with a new local company and I’ll be working with Wordpress, how cool is that? Whee!)

We’re excited about the new job and the changes it may bring, but we’re also excited that I get to escape from Job Security Hell in which I constantly worry if I’ll be laid off from week to week.

I am also making him take me out so that I can get really drunk and make him drive me home. I already declared at my in-laws’ last week that he is the designated driver for the next 18 months. Between pregnancy and nursing, that is how long it had been since I drank at all. So, it’s payback time. We’re going out, I’m drinking something colorful and fancy (it will only take one drink to get me drunk, I’m sure) and then he’s driving me home!

Finally? We’re celebrating my half-marathon on Saturday. Granted, I won’t have completed it yet, but we’re going to pretend like I have so that we have an even greater excuse to celebrate. Is that legal? We’re breaking rules here, people. We’re such rebels.

Now - it’s been a long time (years? decades? millenia?) since MrZ has taken me out on a date and he’s a little rusty. I don’t want to necessarily tell him what to do or how to do it (*cough* norestarauntswithdrivethrus *cough*) - so I thought I’d pose the hypothetical question to you. If you wanted your significant other to take you on a date, or if you were going to take them on a date, how would you make it special? (*cough* don’ttalkaboutfantasyfootball *cough*). And let’s keep it PG people, the kids are watching.