For the first time ever in my blogging career, I’m reporting back on a “Improve Myself!” type meme I said I’d be participating in. That may be a slight exaggeration but I feel like in the million years since I’ve started this blog, I’ve done no less than 100 This Is The Big Thing I’m Doing To Change Something About Myself type of blog entries. And have I ever reported back? No. I don’t think so. I know I’ve not actually completed or been successful in any of them so if I reported back it was only once or it was to say: SCREW THAT.

But my 4 Simple Goals were…simple! So I can report back!

• WEARING A SKIRT – I wore skirts FOUR TIMES the first week. I wore one for Sunday dinner first. Of course, I ended up also wearing PJs under it, but still. I enjoyed it so much I used the excuse of three big days of meetings or Volunteer Activities to wear skirts that week. FOUR TIMES. I loved it. Why I never thought to pursue the Skirt As Casual thing is BEYOND ME. Flip-flops or Converse. WITH A SKIRT. It’s totally my new thing. I was disappointed yesterday was a grass-mowing day as I couldn’t wear a skirt! I wore one Sunday and Tuesday and I plan on wearing another today. One of these days I’ll have a full length mirror so I can show you pictures. But I refuse to buy one until I lose weight STOP GAINING WEIGHT.
• TAKING CAMERA EVERYWHERE – My first day doing this produced a lot of THE VERY SAME PHOTOS that I take all the time. Turns out I just am home a lot. Go figure. I’m going to try to take the camera again tomorrow but maybe plan something a bit more fun to do. Like leave the house.
• EATING SOMETHING DIFFERENT – The first week I tried 3 or 4 different recipes. Went great. This week…so far? Unless you think trying the bag of frozen PF Changs food I found at Target as “eating something different” – I’ve not really put a lot of thought into the meals this week. I bought fresh brussel sprouts to cook as something different and Twitter gave me tons of yummy ways to try, but I haven’t done it yet. Dinner is tricky with E now back in school and D training for his Triathlon this weekend. I have to have it ready around 5pm to fit into D’s schedule but I can’t start until after 4pm because of E’s schedule. We’ll see how next week: Post Triathlon, goes.
• GOING SOMEPLACE NEW – I took the kids to the MAIN BRANCH of the library the first week. We’ve been to our branch on our side of town many times, but the downtown BIG library? I only went there once in college and E and I think we went there once a million years ago to get him a book, but I don’t really remember it so it doesn’t count. The visit was great and Nikki was blown away by how much bigger it was. This week we tried out Gigi’s Cupcakes after dinner, just as a treat for E after getting his ingrown toenail chopped out. It was fun although I am just not a cupcake person. E’s was better than mine was, but none of us finished any of what we ordered. SO MUCH ICING. The kids didn’t even really like any of it. The icing or the cake. They’re spoiled by my cake poppers. They expect anything with the word “cake” in it to taste just like that.

So….I’m quite proud. The thing about these goals is there’s no failure. I’ve set them up so I can try every week, but if I don’t do it? Whatever. Who cares. Try again next week. But I actually look forward to the excuse each of them give me to Try something new/Look nice/Take pictures. Turns out I like to do those things in SOME WAYS…I’m not as much of a creature of habit as I thought I was. I’ve enjoyed some of the branching out. I’ve already started worrying that when the end of the year rolls around, I won’t have an excuse for these things anymore. But maybe by then? These things will simply be the new normal. How cool would that be?

Kim? Yeah. I know her. She’s the one that wears skirts and carries her camera everywhere! You should ask her for her _________ recipe, it’s great! She cooks a lot of different stuff, it’s cool. She also knows all the fun stuff in Huntsville to do/see. If I’m ever looking for something new to do I ask her.

Hey. I think that girl sounds pretty cool…don’t you?

(Although – I hear she never uses shampoo on her hair. That’s still pretty weird.)

I’ve had a lot of insignificant personal conflict in my mind lately. Just stuff that keeps me awake at night as I sit in bed and wonder how I’ll handle these little dramas that have popped up. Nothing major, just personal dilemmas keeping me awake as I struggle for solutions. They don’t bother me during the day, I’m too busy to worry about the inconsequential. But at night, in bed, when it’s quiet and I’m trying to fall asleep – these challenges really bother me. How do I fix it? How do I make it work? How do it resolve this so it doesn’t make me so sad when the lights go out?

Last night I found myself missing Prayer. I am not religious, I don’t believe in any version of a god that any Christian church defines. But I used to. I used to be very religious. I used to say the rosary and go to church and Pray. I prayed constantly. The peace that someone would be there for me, help me through the gray days, that was so comforting. I remember I would ask god for strength at least once a day. That was my token prayer. “Please, God. Give me strength to make it through this drama in my life.” And while I know that on paper none of my teenage dramas were really that tragic, I remember the depression and the sadness and the anxiety associated with those dramas. THAT was real. I remember that comfort Prayer gave me. Sometimes I think that refuge, the Prayer with my God at that time, saved my life.

I stopped believing a long time ago. I know I’ll never have church back in my life for reasons I don’t have the time or the words to explain. I don’t miss church. I don’t miss religion. I don’t miss the guilt or the dogmas or anything associated with that point in my life.

But I miss prayer. I miss just being able to talk to someone about what was bothering me. Someone who I didn’t worry about judging me (Hee. That’s funny.) or thinking me a bad person. Someone who would just listen and give me comfort in knowing I was not alone. I tried to pray last night, just to see if I could without the belief in the person on the other end of the line. No dice. So, I just struggled again with unheard conversations in my mind.

I know religious people and I have church-going friends and family who have said they don’t pray and I always find this jolting. Really? Isn’t that the best part of church is being able to pray? Maybe I used prayer differently than the average religious person, but to me? Prayer was what held me to the church even as long as I stayed. I probably actually stopped believing 15 years ago, or more, but I tried different faiths and different churches for 5 years or so after that. Because I couldn’t give up praying. But somewhere along the way, the prayers went the way of every other part of my religious past. Faded into nonexistence.

But I tried again last night, just to see how it felt. It felt wrong and weird and really made me giggle a little out loud. Really, Kim? You’re praying? YOU? I don’t think so.

So, I just keep trucking along the usual way. Working things out in my head until I finally get some peace. It’s not as romantic as prayer, but it works. Sometimes.

I know a lot of us have bonded over past religious lives and find ourselves in similar agnostic positions as adults. What parts of it do you miss?

This time last year I had a job – so I spent my birthday shopping for clothes for the first time ever. A few weeks later I got laid off. The End.

**********

I have written and re-written this entry 100 times. Some of the drafts I got too wrapped up in missing my Dad. Other drafts focused too much on how the last year made me a Stay At Home Mom and how that is like having the best job in the world: Doing work I adore. But for the shittiest boss on the planet because no one pays me or ever gives me time off. One or two drafts simply discussed how I’m disappointed that I never finished losing the weight I mentioned wanting to lose on my last birthday. Another draft focused entirely on new things I’ve learned this year (Installing faucets and light fixtures! Baking! Cutting my own hair!) and what I’d like to learn in the next year. Another focused on how I seemed to go a whole year without actually achieving any of my spiritual goals for the year.

I don’t know, though. None of them really did it for me in terms of a Birthday Entry. I don’t really know what a Birthday Entry is supposed to contain but I kept feeling like I was missing something somehow. Some of them were too depressing. Others too falsely joyful. Some too realistically joyful and therefore annoying. Nothing felt right.

So, instead? I’m just going to say this: I’m far too blessed as I greet age 35. I still struggle with feeling as though I deserve any of the good in my life. I just know that I sometimes look around me and start to cry because I would have never asked for this life that I’m living because it would have seemed too selfish of a life to ask for. I’m blessed beyond which I can ever explain. I am thankfully for all the last 12 months have brought me, and if my life just stays stagnant over the next year? I’ll be just as grateful at 36 as I am today.

Have you ever considered an idea – whether it’s political, religious, or scientific – and actually felt two completely opposite opinions of it at the exact same time? Equally? Like you find yourself arguing both sides of the debate in your head while you spend time thinking about this concept or idea?

I really never had until recently.

I’ve always been able to see both sides of most concepts. But I usually emphatically support ONE side. However, I heard a concept recently that was just thrown into a conversation casually but has stayed on my mind ever since. It was the idea of “Fixing yourself up FOR YOUR HUSBAND.” My first thought about this idea was Eff that. He loves me like I am or he doesn’t love me at all. But then, oddly enough, I immediately considered the effect it would have on my marriage if I did look at my husband as someone I needed to get “Dolled Up” for. I found myself thinking BOTH things simultaneously and believing them both whole-heartedly.

Here’s the thing – I don’t get made up for much. I don’t really like makeup because I don’t really know how to wear it without looking like I’m made up. The most I like to do is the foundation/powder and then maybe some mascara. And I do that so rarely that my makeup goes bad before it ever runs out. On days I “fix” my hair it just means I’ve conditioned it and left it down and curly. Most days I put it back in a bun. And I rarely ever get dressed up for anything. My daughter compliments any woman she knows when she wears a dress or a skirt. She’ll say, “Oh! You look beautiful! My Mommy doesn’t like dresses.” So – when I’m considering “fixing myself up” – I simply mean jeans, a non-stained shirt, hair down and maybe some mascara.

Half of me has no desire to deal with any of that minimal effort. I like my stained t-shirts because I don’t worry about more stains. I like wearing my hair back in a bun because it stays out of my face. I like not wearing makeup because then I’m free to rub my eyes when I like. I LIKE BEING SLOVENLY. It suits my lifestyle.

But then the other half of me thinks about how differently my husband treats me on days I put some effort into my appearance. And wonder how nice that would be if I did that every day? He would never EVER ask me to do something like that, but it’s an interesting concept to considering fixing myself up FOR my husband. I mean, I used to do it when we were dating. Right? Why don’t I do it anymore?

I think there are even some marriage counseling groups in churches that use this principle as a primary part of a relationship. The part of me that believes There are more important facets to my life than how I look wants to punch all of them in the face for encouraging society to continually judge us on our appearance. But then the part of me that simply likes it when my husband thinks I’m pretty says, Yeah…but just putting on clean clothes and wearing earrings isn’t reinforcing any unhealthy societal norms. And then that part always reminds me how much better I feel on the days I do put more attention into my appearance. So maybe part of me would be doing it for my husband to see me in a different light, but another part of me might be just doing it for myself.

I’m not going to start getting my nails done every week, or getting a salon to style my hair. But it is an interesting idea, fixing yourself up for your spouse. It angers the independent side of me but it intrigues the romantic in me. Of course, my husband knows me and would probably just think I’d lost my mind if I started wearing clean clothes every day. But still – even that would be something right?

And in the interest of full-disclosure, this entry may be written in an attempt to make up for the fact that my husband thinks my new shoes may possibly be the ugliest things he’s ever seen.

I’m thinking AWESOMELY UNIQUE over UGLY. What about you?

I’ve got a few different daily meditation books I’ve been using to try to give me focus points throughout my day. There were too many to choose from and I felt like I need a little of what each were offering, so I picked a general one about spirituality, one about anxiety, and one for busy women. This is the meditation from yesterday from the busy women option.

…how much of the constant repetitive housework I do is because of my need to keep busy and not because it actually needs to be done?

One of the characteristics of a person who does too much is procrastination. Often, our busyness is a subtle form of procrastination that keeps us away from what we really need to be doing.

I was so caught off guard for how TRUE this was, I took a picture to show the world. But I think it was more than just how true it was, but also how new it was as a concept. Could this be me? Are the mundane chores in my life that I spend so much time doing, are those things keeping me so busy that I don’t get to do what’s really important? YES. Am I somehow procrastinating doing the BIG things by doing so much of the LITTLE things? YES. I mean, it’s not at all conscious or intentional. I don’t say, “I’m going to put off storytime with my kids today because I’m behind on laundry.” But some days that’s what I do and storytime just gets skipped. I don’t actually acknowledge, “I’m not going to even ask my husband about his day because I’m too busy getting dinner ready.” But – it’s what I do. I spend many days putting off what’s important to do what’s NOT. Most often with the delusion of thinking I’ll get to the important thing…later.

But later just never happens, does it?

The kids go to bed. My husband and I go to bed. The day ends and all of those things that actually deserved my time? Those things kept getting pushed back until they had finally been completely ignored.

My Dad and I always commiserated about similar habits we had in college. The number being this: Our desks were as never organized, or our houses were never as clean (although we had different definitions of clean) as they were during exam week. For some reason, we would get it in our heads that we couldn’t study until _________ was done. Usually it was organizing the desk since that was our workspace, but if the studying was REALLY intimidating? We’d extend that need to clean to the entire room. Or the entire house. We kept ourselves busy, putting off what was important.

Here’s the thing: Now that I recognize this habit and see how it affects my life in a negative way…WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT? It’s tricky. On one hand I do stay busy doing the unimportant things – like feeding and bathing my children. But do you see the dilemma? Yes. It’s mundane. BUT IT’S ALSO NECESSARY. How many hours a day do I “waste” on things that probably aren’t necessary? I mean, does my family really need three meals a day? And then, what do I do about the fact that I so often put off the quality for the necessary? Do I have a family meeting and tell everyone that I’m not going to fold clothes until after we’ve all spent bonding time together? Do I apologize for the dirty dishes in the sink and blame it on my need to meditate or exercise? “I mean, THOSE activities deserve my time today. The dishes don’t.” Because in theory? Yes. I’d love to spend my waking hours doing the important things and not the mundane. But let’s be practical…the mundane still needs to be done. And I don’t overdo anything. I don’t cook or clean with any sort of precision that can be lowered. I do the bare minimum as it is!

So…basically? I do recognize the trend of going throughout the day saying I’ll do _____ later because right NOW, I have something domestic and mundane to do. I see that habit and I see how it keeps me from excercising, meditating, just playing with the kids, just talking with my husband. The busyness keeps me away from those things that make my heart happy. BUT WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT?

Well, for starters, I’m going to keep a time journal for a few days. I’m going to try to focus on more “quality” activities and less of the mundane, but I’m also going to keep track of my hours and how I distribute them. Maybe I’ll find out I spend 3 hours a day sitting on the couch and eating bonbons. And those three hours can be re-allocated to quality endeavors. Like watching reruns of Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

So far we have:
5:30am: Wake Up.
5:32am: Give dogs medicine and let them outside.
5:35-5:45: Check email and feed-reader.
5:45-6:25: Blog about Wasting Time.

Yeah. That seems about right.

My daughter. Breaking the kitchen at the botanical gardens. An excellent idea for how to reduce the amount of time I spend washing dishes!