Goodbye maternity leave! Week 1 as a Working Away From Home And Therefore Away From My Three Evil Precious Children has gone pretty well, if I do say so myself. I thought I’d start missing my kids terribly by Wednesday…but I really didn’t. Could be because I’m a awful mother. But I’d prefer to think it’s because I’m an awesome mother who used the few hours she had with her kids each night to enjoy their company and play with them. Therefore eliminating the build-up of longing over the week.

Or I’m just a bad mother. Either way…

We tried to do something fun every night. (NikkiZ says when she goes to be now, “I want to do something SUN tomorrow!” We’re still struggling with the “fff” sound.) Whether it’s bathtime, (Which is fun to her…not to me, the one who ALWAYS ends up soaking wet. How does that happen?) or painting, or crafts…or even just an outing to Target. (NikkiZ: “I love Target.”) I tried to really make use of those hours before she went to bed. And LilZ and I tried to hang out and watch TV together a few nights after the kids were in bed. I say I did a DAMN good job this week, thank you VERY much.

What is she talking about? How is this NOT fun?

AND — I kept the laundry washed, the house clean, I cooked dinner every night, changed the kitty litter, and managed to somehow get all of us out the door relatively close to 6:20am every morning. Dressed and carrying the necessary items for school. And although LilZ doesn’t require assistance getting ready for school anymore…it does take the force of a small army to get him out of bed at 5:45am. That small army is ME yelling LOUDLY.

Essentially? I’m taking this moment to do something I rarely do. Openly brag about myself. I typically suffer from low self-esteem and guilt issues that keep me from ever complimenting myself in any way. I either don’t believe I deserve it, or I feel guilty for thinking I deserve it. (Living in my head is FUN!) But today? Damn it! I deserve it. I did great this week. Go Me!

Your turn: What is something you did this week you’re proud of? I don’t want to be the only one patting myself on the back over hear. Why don’t we all take a turn? We all deserve it!

Smiley McSmileson agrees. You deserve a pat on the back!

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*Working Away From Home Mom. “Working Mom” seems so insulting to the SAHMs of the world who - I can vouch for having been one - work WAY harder than I do at the office all day.

I was tagged to do this meme so - damn well, I’m gonna do it! Even though I’m fairly certain I’ve done it a few times already. I don’t care! I’m too lazy to look!

Here are the rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you. (Done!)
2. Mention the rules on your blog. (Doing it right now!)
3. Tell about six unspectacular quirks you possess.
4. Tag six following bloggers by linking them.
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they have been tagged.

(I skip the “link to others” rule like I always do because I’m not good at choosing. But - if you leave a comment saying you did it too - I’ll stop by and see what makes you unspectacular!)

1. I have a very profound respect for Buggy Etiquette. (A “Buggy” is a “Shopping Cart” for you non-southerners.) Since I have two kids in tow now, I always park next to a buggy bin so that putting the buggy back when I’m done will be easier. I also have a hard time passing up buggies in the parking lot that have NOT been put back. It’s such a compulsion that on the few times I walk passed one that someone left in a space, NikkiZ will freak out, telling me to put that one back too.
2. I keep my sugar in the refrigerator. I know this is not that uncommon — but it is strange to people who don’t do it. This is a habit I inherited from my Dad who actually had a good reason as we would get ants sometimes if we kept sweet things in cabinets. I do NOT have a good reason as our kitchen is interior enough for this not to be a problem. Yet the sugar stays in the fridge.
3. I don’t like shows staying on our TiVo or DVR that we’ve all already watched. I must delete them. MrZ and LilZ just let the recorder delete them when it needs room, but not me. If we’ve all seen it? It’s out of there. Sometimes I even get carried away and delete things only I have seen, causing my husband to threaten divorce. I just like a clean TiVo! What can I say?
4. Since AndyZ came along, I switched to a bigger Kavu bag for a purse and just throw his stuff in with my stuff. Except that I separate everything into clear sandwich bags. My “main” stuff is in one ziploc, his wipes are in another, his change of clothes in a third, and my “off” items that I don’t need often (chapstick, safety pins, etc) are in a final fourth ziploc. I feel like it keeps me from digging around for things so much since I’m used to a much smaller bag. I’m not sure if it actually works, but I do know it embarrasses my family to see me pull a ziploc out of my purse to retrieve my wallet.
5. I have an intense hatred of mustard. Nothing will ruin a sandwich quicker than someone ignoring my “no mustard” request. And I usually get very angry. Disproportionally so. I mean, probably more angry than I would about certain social injustices. I just hate mustard THAT MUCH.
6. I have a love of cool bumper stickers and this weird instinct to want to befriend people I see driving cars with stickers I like. There are a couple of parents at LilZ’s school I’m convinced could be my BFFs because of the stickers on their car. I have my own set, I have a brite blue dot, a Momocrats sticker, and a TN Vols sticker. What about your car? Could we be sticker buddies?

I’m going back to work today. I feel like I’ve written variations of this entry a million times on this blog. There was NikkiZ’s maternity leave, then the first day back after my layoff, and now AndyZ’s token, “I’ll miss you, kid!” entry. So, here it goes:

I’ll miss you, kid.

This time is a bit different. This is my third bought of being a SAHM in the last three years and I can tell you this honestly and openly: I’m a crappy SAHM. I lose my patience easily, I depend on the television as a babysitter too much, I get stressed out that no one ever notices how much I actually do during the day, and I have severe anxiety over not contributing to our financial well-being.

And also? Being a SAHM is the hardest job - physically and emotionally - that I’ve ever had. I am more worn out at the end of a day alone with the kids than I’ll ever be after a day at the desk. Emotionally? It is really taxing because I feel guilty if I’m not playing enough, or teaching enough, or loving enough. But if I try to do all of those things enough? I lose my patience and end up yelling…ENOUGH. And then the guilt rolls back in.

I am happy to go back to a job working with someone who actually acknowledges work I do. I mean, damn those toddlers and their inability to actually appreciate my labor over laundry and meals! And the infants? Can I not get a “Thank You” after a diaper change once in awhile? No - there is definitely an advantage to an office where a boss (if you have a good one) notices the work you do. You can actually go to bed feeling fulfilled and appreciated, instead of RUN OVER BY A DAMN SEMI.

So, while I’m going to truly miss my kids and I’ve already cried several times over the thought of leaving them a daycare today, I’m glad to be going back to work. I am not cut out for being a SAHM and I’ll always put those of you that do it on a high pedestal of tolerance and patience that I’ll always aspire to have. I don’t know how you do it without killing your kids or your spouse, but I’ll always be a little jealous that I couldn’t do it and love it. And a whole lot of guilty.

I’ll cry a bit today because I just love my kids that much. That even though I’m miserable a lot of the time, and worn out, tired, depressed and anxious - I’ll still miss being with them all day. I’ll miss taking LilZ to and from school, I’ll miss painting with NikkiZ, and I’ll miss cuddling with AndyZ. But I know for a fact I’m a better Mom when I’m not home all day. I have always done more good with those 3-4 hours at night than I could ever do with an extra 9 hours during the day. I cherish more and I yell less.

But I’ll still miss those little life-suckers.

Have you ever read a blog entry that made you thrilled someone else in the world thought the same way you did? Yes. Of course you have. That happened to me today. I read this entry and the following portion spoke to my SOUL.

(Disclaimer: I’m aware the entry was also about good NST results, breech babies and scheduled c-section dates. Things that are much more important than public bathroom opinions.)

I am not the squeamish sort. I sit in public bathrooms. I do not use a paper liner even when they are on offer. And if the previous tenant hasn’t flushed, I am never overly distressed; I’ll do the job myself. Using my hand. (I digress here to decry another unpalatable flavor of bathroom outlaw, the foot-flusher. I mean, Jesus, I’m not prim. But no one should have to confront anyone’s bottom-of-the-shoe-on-the-bathroom-floor germs when performing a simple flush. Foot-flushers, take warning: you are first against the wall of the stall when the revolution comes. Wait, no, second, after the black-hearted squatters.)

FINALLY. I can shout a hearty, “Here, Here!” Do you know how many times I have pretended that I care about public bathrooms? Well - let me rephrase that. I do care in the sense that - if I can avoid it - I stick to fast-food places and rest areas on road trips. I prefer not to use gas station bathrooms, especially the external ones that require a key from the cashier. (Why are those always the worst? Do people feel the need to be more disgusting because it took more effort to get there?) But overall? I just DO NOT CARE.

I don’t stress out if the toilet hasn’t been flushed and I don’t freak out if there are no liners to use. As a matter of fact, I think I’ve only used liners once or twice my whole life. And yes, I too SIT ON THE SEAT. I don’t hover. But my Lord - I have pretended that I hover in conversation before because I’m scared if I admit that I sit that those in the conversation will be so repulsed they’ll run away screaming.

Thank you, Julie. You made me feel comfortable admitting I’m comfortable sitting.

(OMG. That totally rhymed. And it would have been a great line in a musical. Much like “Once More, With Feeling.” Yes. I’m still obsessing over Buffy if you were wondering.)

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Public bathrooms. Not something I find necessary to be concerned with. I’ve never been even remotely close to being a germaphobe, so why bother flushing a toilet with my foot (And making the next person “bottom-of-the-shoe-on-the-bathroom-floor germs”) when I don’t worry about doorknobs into or out of the bathroom. I just don’t care.

I’m too busy worrying about whether or not the Krispy Kreme across town will have “Hot Fresh Now!” lights on when I take the time to drive all the way out there. Because if they don’t? It kinda makes the trip worthless.

I’m not going to BlogHer this year. The reason I originally wasn’t going has morphed to several other reasons that combine into one simple explanation: MONEY. It’s expensive and I’m on maternity leave. I’m sad since several bloggers I love are going this year - many that I missed last year - but that sadness doesn’t put money in my wallet. So, I’m not going. And you know what? I’m totally okay with that.

I read a blog recently where the woman writing it said, “I’m not going because I don’t do well at large gatherings of that type.” And you know what? Neither do I. I fake it decently sometimes, but in reality? The anxiety it produces in me far exceeds any amount of joy I can achieve in the situation. I’m just a social invalid. Especially when it comes to bloggers that I kinda know but kinda don’t. I am often over-assuming my friendliness. I’ll go up to someone I’ve had casual contact with online and give them a HUGE hug because - since I read their blog I feel like we’re lifelong friends! But, of course, they don’t read mine so all they’re thinking is, “Who’s the freak with the frizz who is hugging me so tight she’s cutting off the circulation to my head?”

Or worse - I’ll go the opposite extreme and withdraw into my insecurity and won’t even say, “Hi.” Do you know how many bloggers I read that I’ve been within speaking range to and never even smiled at? Because I was scared? TOO MANY.

I’m just a freak and I think sometimes it’s better just to admit that and just focus on attending smaller gatherings instead of trying to hide The Inner Freak for an extended period of time. So, I’ll be here reading about all of your awesome adventures and sadly perusing through all of your pictures. Wishing I could be as comfortable in my skin as you are in yours. Maybe I’ll use the time while you’re gone to look for a therapist, because it’s becoming more apparent that I need one.