Thanks Elsie, for the Beautiful Banner!

A Beautiful Mess has a challenge/idea on her blog to just set yourself Four Simple Goals to achieve before the end of the year.

1. choose simple goals that will make your life richer and happier on a daily basis. choose things you may not otherwise get done, but that are not difficult to accomplish.
2. do not choose result oriented goals, choose activity oriented goals. for example…. instead of “lose 10 pounds”, choose something like “eat fresh fruits and vegetables every day”. get what i’m saying? positive actions instead of just the end result!
3. choose goals that are personal that you believe will truly make your life richer just by doing them! they can be daily, weekly or one time experiences.

COME ON. This is a GREAT idea. I love that she refers to them as “activity oriented goals” – which I think is a key in my life. I feel like I have to achieve a certain result I get overwhelmed. But simple activities that enrich my life? WHO CAN SAY NO TO THAT ONE? I’m so in love with this idea that I’ve spent 24 hours obsessing over what my Four Simple Goals will be.

And I can’t seem to do it.

It’s so hard not to be like, “Finally! Lose that weight I’ve been trying to lose since [insert random catalyst in my past HERE. Suggestions: NikkiZ's birth. Quitting Smoking. Being Laid Off.]” But I’ve been struggling with that since whatever catalyst you chose occurred. So, that seems a bit disingenuous. I want to Be A Better Mom, but that’s not really activity related either. It seems Simple Activity Oriented Goals are a struggle for me.

BUT I DO NOT GIVE UP.

I decided to try NOT to revisit the same challenges I’ve been trying to conquer for years. Let’s do something completely different but that has been lingering in my mind for ages. Little bits of KRAZEE IDEAS that have popped up here and there. Maybe I should nurture those for awhile? Steer away from the standard: Lose Weight. Be A Better Mom. Complain Less. Smile More. These things are permanent fixtures in my mind anyway, things I’m always trying to do. I think this challenge is more about setting goals to do something that will shake things up a bit. Create inspiration in the day-to-day activity. I chose to focus on each goal one day a week so that every week I force myself to at least TRY to achieve these goals. So…WITHOUT FURTHER ADO:

Kim’s (Off-The-Beaten-Path) 4 Simple Goals

1. Wear a dress/skirt once a week. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I’m not a girly-girl. I don’t wear makeup but a few times a year. I rarely fix my hair and prefer the “scrunchy bun” technique. But sometimes I see these free-spirited Bohemian-styled women in skirts and dresses and think: THAT’S the kind of girly-girl I could be. No need for makeup, still. If I don’t want. Just some sort of flowing skirt and fun jewelery? I have LOADS of fun jewelery I never wear because I’m usually in sweats and a t-shirt. I see these women periodically and wonder what that would be like. I never even wore dresses/skirts much when I was working in a professional office. This? Could totally change my outlook on life. Or it could make me flash the neighborhood 100 times a day. I’m not very ladylike, you know.
2. One Day A Week, Carry The Camera Everywhere. I often see things throughout my day that I’d like to photograph. But – I don’t want to carry my camera everywhere all the time. Maybe if I picked ONE day a week to do it, I’d get used to it and find a system and force myself to take different photographs outside my normal arsenal of NikkiZ In A Cute Outfit.
3. Once a week force myself to eat something different. Maybe try a new recipe, but I’m thinking more about trying new foods in general. Or at least new combinations of foods. I know what I like and even though I’m cooking so much more than 2 years ago, it’s still the same basic menu. I really like Chicken. And Rice. And Pasta. A lot of my meals involve one of those three things. I want to get out of my comfort zone a bit now that I’m more comfortable in the kitchen and try something new. Maybe even something that isn’t A) A Casserole or B) Cooked in the Crockpot. Because at least 95% of my favorite meals come from one of those two places.
4. Visit a new place in town once a week. I love Huntsville, we all know that. But again – I’m in a rut just like in my kitchen. I know the places I like so when we want a park, or to shop, or to eat — I have my arsenal of faithful stops we revisit. I think I need to branch out more. Find some smaller stores to try out. New restaurants. Museums. Galleries. I can think of enough to get me through the end of the year just sitting here, not even Googling. Places I’ve wanted to try but that go out of my comfort zone a bit. I get nervous going somewhere new, but isn’t that the point of this exercise? Find simple ways to enrich our lives. Get OUT of my comfort zone, for a change. For some inspiration.

I’m nervous about all of these. I don’t think I realized how much of a creature of habit I am until I sat down to do this. I don’t branch out much. Partly because of anxiety, partly because I never feel like I’m quite cool enough to do these things. Wear a flowy skirt? Carry my camera everywhere? Eat at interesting places or visit galleries? THAT’S NOT ME. I eat BBQ in my Yoga pants (I don’t even do Yoga!) and take pictures of my kids in cute outfits. But I’ve been trying to get myself out of a rut in general anyway lately – why not try to introduce new things into my life as a way of doing that? Maybe I’ll find out I’m just a Maxi Dress Wearin’, Starfruit Eatin’, Gallery Browsin’ Photographer deep down inside.

Probably not. But, you know. We’ll see.

I haven’t talked a lot about starting the chain reaction of awesome in my life, lately. While I was thinking about that this morning I noticed: I have a lot of “selp-improvement” type categories listed here. I think that observation says a lot right there, don’t you think? Like, maybe there’s a part of me hoping if I give it a category on my blog it will stick? Anyway…chain reaction of awesome…I’ve not been doing much to nurture that journey lately. Not just here on this blog, but here in my actual life was well.

When you’re trying to grow as a person in any way, whether it’s starting meditation, or exercise, or just eating better – it’s very easy to get distracted. It’s very easy to avoid the actions that further these goals when you have – what feels like – more pressing and real needs surrounding you. The dishes in the sink, the laundry in the dryer, the poopy diaper on the kid in the next room. All of these immediate needs tend to trump any tasks associated with long-term goals. So, my long-term goals? Get washed down the drain with the dirty dishwater.

Add to the daily mundane BIG activities like; putting your house on the market, high school musicals, estates in probate, or sick family – and those long-term goals or dreams? Really start gathering dust. Studying for the GMAT so I can get my MBA? Impossible when trying to get my house POD Ready (FYI: PODs are just portable container units, like renting storage that gets dropped off and then picked up and moved.) so we can get it on the market by the end of May. Getting back my running body? On the back burner while we wrap up dad’s estates proceedings in Knoxville. Meditating? Improving Nutrition? Parenting adjustments? Can’t think about those while I’m sealing the grout in my kitchen.

Do you see what I have here? A lot of really valid and truthful excuses to put off all of the things I want to be doing. The thing is? If you really examine some of those entries from the ninety million Self Improvement categories I have on this blog? You’ll see that the long list of really valid and truthful excuses? NEVER ENDS.

There are always going to be little things that get in the way day to day: Cat puke to clean up, plants to be watered, cars to be vacuumed. There are always going to be big things that get in the way week to week: illness, home improvement, community needs. If my six years of blogging about making myself better has taught me anything? Is that there will never be time. Time to do what it is I want to do that seems frivolous compared to the immediate needs in my life and in the life of my family members.

So…yet again…I find myself at a crossroads. A moment in my life where maybe some clarity will produce some change. Maybe the realization that I could actually put things off forever at the rate I’m going – is just depressing enough for me to stop putting things off at all. That maybe I pull in chaos in my life to help me avoid these great improvements I need/want to make – so that I don’t have to face failure head on. Maybe I encourage the perpetual list of chores as a way to keep me from actually accomplishing any of my personal goals, so that I’ll never have to officially fail at them. And while this clarity can be very depressing, it’s also nice to know that these changes can be in my power. I don’t have to wait on the universe to give me the perfect conditions to finally encourage me to eat better, harness my creativity, meet my professional goals. Instead, I can say I’ll deal with what the universe needs me to do…AFTER I meditate, or exercise, or eat this bowl of fresh fruit. I can prioritize my personal needs before the needs of my family and of the universe.

Now, I’m not necessarily going to leave my kid sitting in his dirty diaper while I go run – but I can put off folding clothes until after I meditate. I can take the time to plan my daily menu and put off paying the bills until after grocery shopping. Because – and here’s the kicker – I’ve proven over a lifetime of getting things done, THEY WILL GET DONE. The dishes will get in the dishwasher, the laundry will get folded, the holes will get caulked and the lawn will get mowed. If all of the procrastinating of my own wants and needs has taught me anything, it’s this: Everyone Else’s Needs Will Be Met. Just maybe not on the same timeline that ignores my own personal needs.

So, for the nineteen millionth time, I’m refocusing. I am going to spend the week shifting my priorities and digging into all of those entries about who and what I want to be. I don’t want to keep writing about starting these journeys to self-improvement under different categories with different focuses. I want to recognize that: THERE WILL NEVER BE TIME UNLESS I MAKE IT. And I’m going to start making time.

Right after I hang those pictures on the wall and clean my toilet.

(P.S. I categorized this entry in all of my self-improvement categories to prove my point with the excessive categorizing of my self-improvement. Except for one: Operation Marathon. Because let’s be honest, I did that once. And while some may discover their love of real long-distance running with their first marathon? I WAS NOT ONE OF THEM.)

From yesterday’s bonnet parade at NikkiZ’s school.

I read something interesting this week: Anxiety is rooted in FEAR. Maybe this is common sense but I had never thought about it that way before. That many times, my anxiety (especially in social situations) is truly just a manifestation of the fear I feel of failing in that situation. Today? I face BIG fears as I go be a part of the FIRST full dress rehearsal for Seussical at my son’s high school. This is a BIG DAY. I’m on the makeup crew and have just learned the very basics about stage makeup. (LilZ let me practice on him last night…how cool is he?) Today I learn some of the big jobs (hopefully) and help apply stage makeup to a dozens of high school kids. Fears I’ll be facing:

Fear of Failing: What if I’m the worst makeup applier in the history of theater? And they FIRE me? Can a volunteer be fired?

Fear of High School Kids: Yes, I have one. He’s awesome. Yes, his friends are awesome. Yet I still fear them IN GENERAL. Because I’ve been scared of them since I was in 8th grade. Hard to get past fear that ingrained.

Fear of Social Situations: Many, many adults will be part of this day. I’m getting SO much better in this crowd but I still freeze up and blunder and panic and inevitably say something really dumb. It happens every time.

Fear of Makeup: SERIOUSLY. I don’t even wear it regularly, when I do wear it I don’t really know how to put it on. Yet somehow I’m now on the makeup crew? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

But mixed in with all of the fear is the excitement of being part of something SO AWESOME. Seriously. I wish I could let you all see this production. I have no idea if this is a typical high school production or not, my high school only had 56 people in it’s senior class, so this is foreign to me. But the set? The costumes? The dance numbers? The voices? It’s amazing. I can’t believe the talent in these kids and in the teachers/parents helping. It really is something I’m so proud to be a part of.

There’s a song at the end of the show where Horton is being convicted of being insane for hearing voices in a dust speck. While the “court” is deciding they’re going to boil the dust speck, Horton starts BEGGING the Whos to shout together, demanding that they let their voices be heard so they won’t be boiled. The people in the courtroom are singing “Boil it! Boil it!” while the Whos are singing “We Are Here! We Are Here!” and it’s just the fantastic scene that is so full of energy and emotion and such a perfect end to an amazing show full of amazing people. Every time I hear them sing it…Hell, even when I hear it on the cast recording on my iPod…I cry. I cry EVERY TIME. Because I’m just so proud of these kids who have NO idea who I am. I’m proud of my kid for being part of it all. I’m proud of myself (hopefully) for helping backstage. Everyone in that room is conquering some sort of fear (forgetting lines, missing notes, falling down a HUGE set) yet they show up and perform these amazing musical numbers. And they do it WELL.

So, conquering my fear of makeup? Come on. Way easier than having to dance on a 6ft high platform adorned with Truffula trees. Ask my son. Who will be doing just that. AND who will also be doing one dance number blind as he’ll be inside what is essentially a giant black pillowcase. While he’s blind he’ll have to work with other dancers (who will also be blind in the same type of getup) to pick up JoJo – the lead in the show. Yes. LilZ thinks I should shut up already about my fears because if I screw up? Someone washes their face and starts over with a crew member who knows what they’re doing. If HE screws up…”People DIE.”

Good point. I’ll shut up now.

One week into the new year and I feel like my resolutions are already making my life easier. If you’ll recall, I basically decided to quit adding food to my plate (Thanks, Swistle) and even take some side-dishes off that are already on because while I like my food touching in real life? My metaphorical food should not contaminate it’s neighbors. Basically I have my main course (Family) and then a good helping of 2 of my favorite veggies (Blogging and Photography) and THAT IS IT. I’ve given away my craft supplies to NikkiZ’s school and I’ve stopped bookmarking new projects in my Google Reader just because they look easy.

Example: These Classroom Valentine’s Ideas are brilliant and the Pop Flowers would be so quick and easy. But you know what I’ve learned the last few years? Quick and Easy still takes time. Which means time away from something else. Namely: Family, Blog, Photography and Job Hunt. And I’m trying to simplify my life this year so no matter how Quick and Easy and SO TOTALLY CUTE something seems? I’m not even letting myself consider it. No ma’am. Move along with you and your cute candy flowers. I’m buying a bag of candy and that’s IT.

I even stopped making handmade Thank You cards. While I think the sentiment of these cards is sweet, I have 50+ so far to write to my donors for my fundraiser and what’s important is that I write them. And let’s be realistic…making 50 Thank You cards would take forever. Whereas I can go buy some and just spend more time writing the note on the inside. And let me tell you something I realized yesterday: There are some beautiful Thank You cards out there. I bought the only two packs they had of this one style with an oragami butterfly but I swear I want to send one to myself: They are THAT CUTE. Love them. If you’ve donated I assure you that you will be getting the cutest card Target offers. It may not be as unique as if I made it myself, but I promise you it will be prettier. SERIOUSLY. Check out the Thank You card section at Target next time you’re there. I’m actually considering buying some of the blank notecard sets to frame. They’re THAT PRETTY.

Sidenote: If you donated and receive a Thank You card from me? I apologize for my penmanship. I forgot how ugly my handwriting is. I’ve always wished I had pretty handwriting…why isn’t that something I can teach myself? (BECAUSE I’VE TRIED!) Oh well, I think it’s at least legible. Focus on the front of the card, that’s the pretty part.

Anyway…my point? One week of making changes in my life to simplify things? And I can already tell a difference. I sent off 8 Thank You cards yesterday. I’m not sure if I would have even commited to thanking each donor if I was going to make them all. Now? I can. But it may take me awhile because it’s been a long time since I’ve written so much. 8 cards and my fingers started hurting. The College Me is making fun of me right now and reminding me the pages of notes I used to churn out in a 50 minute Dr. Kittle Ecology class. My fingers were obviously in better shape back then.

Now, let’s not discuss my failures in other areas. Like how I gained 5lbs over the holidays and haven’t even started to lose it again. When it takes you 9 months to lose 20lbs, gaining 5 in a few weeks is mightily impressive, don’t you think? But I’m confident I’ll get back on track…not losing hope. I will, however, be losing the recipe to Cake Poppers. I think those things are my downfall.

How about you? One week into the New Year and how do you feel?

I made a deliberate effort yesterday to take deep breaths and count to 10 more often to try to see how long I could stretch my patience. I was proud of myself as I had a much better day with my kids than I’ve had the last few weeks. And let me tell you: The Universe was trying to thwart my efforts ALL DAY!

There was the rain, first and foremost. The rain that would stop completely on my way into a store while I was running errands but became a torrential downpour on my way OUT of the store. The best? Was when we were leaving Sam’s Club. Because nothing in Sam’s gets bagged. Even bags of bread which taste AWESOME soaked in rain water. I was cursing myself for always parking in the back of the lot when a wonderful lady came over with her umbrella, held it over me and the kids, and escorted us to the van. I told her she was my good Samaritan. And maybe cried a little bit on her shoulder. Of course, will this encourage me to carry umbrellas? No. Because still, more often than not? A huge pain in my ass. The rain did same thing happened coming out of Target but we didn’t score an escort that time. And then the rain stopped right when we got to the van. Which I thought was the Universe’s way of saying, “What? It stopped! What more do you want?”

NikkiZ also deliberately peed all over the floor at school because she didn’t want to stop reading to go potty. *sigh* That’s all I feel like saying about that issue.

Then…as I was cooking banana bread later that afternoon LilZ called. He didn’t have rehearsal like I thought he did. He apologized for not reminding me, but he needed me to come get him. And it was cold (and rainy!) outside and he didn’t have any money and doesn’t like waiting inside places unless he can purchase something. I’m all, “Banana Bread! I don’t want to burn the house down!” I was also in the process of making homemade applesauce (WHAT? I know. I’m insane.) and in the rush to finish it all before the bread finished – I sliced off the tip of my thumb. It still hurts.

Finally – I had to run back out to Target for ink for our printer (School-age kids are very print-y, you know.) and they were out. So was Wal-Mart. Making the trips entirely fruitless. There are few things I hate worse than fruitless errands because that just means they were a HUGE waste of my time.

All in all? I held my cool. Even while bleeding to death in the kitchen. (Knives are sharp!) Dinner turned out great and no one minded the blood in the apples. I even managed to steam some fresh veggies with dinner, which always makes me feel good about myself. I didn’t lose it on the kids once, no matter how close I came several times. I just paused, and redirected. I noticed when I was about to lose my patience? Zerberting their belly seemed to help make me feel better. (How is “zerberting” not in my dictionary?) Something about a wholehearted belly laugh coming from a child kinda snaps me out of the FREAK OUT mode. It was a good day and I felt like I faced the forces trying my patience and came out the victor. Because if you don’t freak out on your kids after a day of Mother Nature attacking you at every turn? You deserve a reward. And I gave myself one in the form of a nice cold beer and some quality time with So You Think You Can Dance and Glee.