Guess what I just did? I just walked my 2+ mile route with BOTH kids (one in a stroller and one on my chest) for the SECOND TIME THIS WEEK. I didn’t want to brag about the first time because I feared that may have just been a fluke and that I’d never get the courage to do it again. BUT I DID. Baby steps to my September 5K…just taking baby steps.

AndyZ decided about 12:30am last night that he would like to stay up for a few hours and just hang out. He wasn’t fussy or cranky, he just was awake. I fed him (a lot, praying it would put him back to sleep) and changed his diaper and rocked him, but all he wanted to do was hang out. And be adorably awesome in every way. I found myself really enjoying the time, even though I was SO TIRED.

I found myself using the semi-quiet time to ponder the fact that I was up at an ugly time of night, yet I wasn’t upset about it. With NikkiZ, I was usually crying if she wasn’t letting me sleep. Yet - there I was - just enjoying it. All because I thought for a split second, “Hey. He’s being cute. I’m digging this.” As opposed to focusing on, “Hey. He’s keeping me awake and I’m exhausted so I’m going to have a breakdown.”

So - I started pondering the power of THOUGHT. And how, if I could change my moods with a clear thought, I’d be in good shape. I found myself really making a plan to stay positive and if I felt like I was getting overwhelmed or losing my patience, to just turn that thought around and find a reason to enjoy the moment. By the time AndyZ fell back to sleep THREE HOURS LATER, I felt like a new woman. I was ready to conquer the next day with my new outlook on life.

And then NikkiZ woke up at 6am. Two-and-a-half hours after AndyZ fell back to sleep. I suddenly wasn’t so inspired or motivated to stay positive. Instead, I was cursing and mumbling and grumbling across the house and to her bedroom. I grouchily said, “I’ll give you breakfast when I’m doing feeding your brother,” when she asked for oatmeal. I grumpily fixed her breakfast and mumbled while feeding AndyZ.

I’m thinking those nighttime thoughts were mere delusions brought on by extreme exhaustion. It was fun while it lasted. Maybe I’ll try to implement those middle-of-the-night life changes some other day. Today I think I’ll just be grumpy.

Like a certain grumpy old man I know.

This is what NikkiZ thinks about my spiritual condition

Just for the record - I woke up at 4am to a tornado siren. There are not many ways to start a day that could raise an anxiety level higher than that. The threats have long passed, but my nerves are still fried. Now - onto the real blog topic.

Today is Ash Wednesday. This is definitely the Catholic event I miss the most from my practicing days. There is just something I always found renewing about the Ash Wednesday mass. I also enjoyed walking around the rest of the day and seeing who else was Catholic as we all spent the day dealing with remarks like, “You have something on your head.” At least that was the case for those of use who attended non-Catholic after-school care programs. Like coming in uniform didn’t make us weird enough - one day a year we had black crosses smeared below our hairlines. Those kids at that daycare were very suspicious of us.

I also miss the idea of Lent and trying to make a change in your life for the better, or make a sacrifice to prepare for a religious event. I like the concept of 40 days of sacrifice or betterment. Every year I wonder if the fact that I no longer fully believe in the religious aspect of Lent, should keep me from the spiritual side of it. I’ve decided this year - I’m not going to let it stop me. Why should I turn my back on a day that inspires change in my heart? So — I don’t follow the Jesus Rises From The Dead rhythm of the Easter season, I can still say, “Hey. I want to be a better person.” There just seems like there’s a positive energy of change in the air during Lent as people are trying to give up their favorite vices to prepare for a spiritual renewal. I might as well join the energy, even if I’m not part of the religion.

So - I guess I want to observe Lent this year. Not necessarily with Jesus’ 40 days of fasting and preparation in mind. Or with any Christian concepts in mind at all. (Which means I obviously won’t be referring to it as “Lent” in my case.) But just simply for the sake of improvement and preparation. I may not be celebrating the rising of my religious savior from death, but I am adding a baby to my family in three months, and that takes spiritual preparation as well. I’ve been really depressed and anxious since my layoff - I think I need some sort of renewal and a way to get myself in the right mindset to welcome a new child into our family.

Are you observing Lent? Do you make sacrifices or fast in anyway? If you do - are you religious? Do you find someone like me - who observes it without the church in mind - offensive? Or are you like me and using the excuse to join the spirit of renewal your friends and family may be partaking in. I’d love to hear your views and what changes you’re making in the next 40 days.

I’m seriously considering doing some sort of Resolution List this year. I’m not a big fan of the list of specifics (excercise 3 times a week, lose 20lbs, read a book a month, etc.) because they are too constricting and therefore very easy for me to screw up. I’m thinking of some general resolutions like: Walk Sweetie More. I know she is one of those dogs that would benefit from Cesar Millan’s basic principal of the benefits of daily walks. I think it would chill her out and possibly keep her from losing her damn mind whenever anyone knocks on our door.

But I also want to just better myself all around. I’m one of those people who is always trying to think of ways to improve myself, and I just kinda want to make 2008 the year I make true progress. But, I’m kinda stuck. I’d like some good resolutions but I’m lame and can’t think of anything that great. So - could you tell me yours? I want to become: A better Mom, A healthier Woman, and more patient Wife, and a better steward of this planet. Now - your job is to give me some good resolutions to accomplish all of those things. Go!

I’m in a funk. I sometimes call this the Mom Funk because I know it’s something we mothers tend to talk about a lot. The funk you get in when you start to focus a little too much on the fact that your family might not give two flying craps about the things you do for them. It’s really not the kids’ fault - because I did it too. It’s just kids. They’re self-involved little twits. They don’t care what you give them, they only care what you don’t. But that’s not the point, you put your faith in the person they’re becoming and you learn to focus on the sweetness and the love they give you and not on the fact that the sacrifices you make go unnoticed.

But sometimes, those unnoticed sacrifices jump to the forefront. And then you’re in a funk.

So, I woke up this morning and showered. I know! Right? I showered! I put on pretty clothes for once. My job doesn’t have a dress code which means I grab the clothes on the top of the pile and try to shake the wrinkles out. Today, though. I’m wearing clothes that came from a hanger. And you know what else I plan on doing? Wearing makeup. I wear makeup so rarely that people notice it when I do.

Essentially, I’m going to force the happy from the outside in. My funks aren’t that bad. I know women who suffer depression and anxiety disorders. This is nothing like that. This is simply me being down in the dumps and needing a Pick-Me-Up. And sometimes all it takes is a day of looking pretty.

And possibly a dozen donuts.