Man. I’m in a DAMN FUNK. And you know what sucks the most about DAMN FUNKS? Is that they’re cyclical. You can’t get out of them because you aren’t motivated to do anything but BE IN A FUNK.

I thought I was just tired. Had a long weekend, with less sleep than like. But last night I got plenty of sleep and I woke up still in my funk. And frustration about being in a funk, keeps me in a funk. And being in a funk makes me grumpy and short with my family, WHICH KEEPS ME IN A FUNK.

Last night I felt like it was a battle between me and the funk. Gripe at the kids. FUNK WINS. Do crafts with the kids. KIM WINS. Quick to lose patience with craft. FUNK WINS. Let kid style hair for fun. KIM WINS. Growl at child for pulling hair. FUNK WINS.

And so on.

I know we all hit these phases, just wanted to see what you do when you are in one? Because I eat. OF COURSE. I eat with every negative emotion. Stress, Anxiety, Sadness, Anger, Loneliness…EAT! That’s why it’s taken me 4 months to lose 17lbs, and then I gained 6lbs back! Obviously, I need a new plan of attack for The Funk. One that – you know – actually works. Today I’m going to try a new method: FAKING IT TO THE EXTREME.

I’m going to walk about my day pretending to feel SUPER AWESOME ABOUT EVERYTHING. One of those…if you SAY you feel it, you FEEL it kinda of treatments. I have enough to be joyful about in my life, I just have to remind myself every second of the day when I’m in these funks. Sometimes the funk is too bad to use this plan but I think it might work today. What about you? Do you eat with all negative emotions? Do you drink? Do you take long baths (another options I like) or are you one of those awesome people who can EXERCISE when you’re depressed? I’m trying to become that person, but it turns out it’s not just a switch you flip! Nothing is ever that easy, is it?

So…how do you get out of your funks? Or do you just wait for them to pass and hope the damage done while they were there is not too great? That’s my predominant method. But 6lbs gained? I think the damage is done. TIME FOR A NEW METHOD.

Commence Day Of Fake Joy! I’ll let you know how it pans out.

For those of you who I know via Facebook, me finishing the race yesterday is as much of a relief for you as it is for me. (I use RunKeeper to update Facebook of all of my training runs. With comments such as, “Got home from today’s run and realized my shirt was on backwards!”) For everyone else: Here’s the story. Every Memorial Day our city hosts a big 10K. It’s on several running lists nationwide as it has this NOTORIOUS hill in the middle that I have driven up before, and it scared the crap out of me: IN A CAR. Every year that I’ve run the 5K I think about running the 10K and chicken out. I decided this was the year to do it.

Here is the RunKeeper graph showing my pace mixed with the elevation (in green) – do you see the hill? YES. You can’t miss it. Want to know something? I RAN UP THAT HILL.

A few weeks ago my boot camp coach made us run a different hill in town and that gave me the confidence to run the one yesterday. And you know what? Totally not a big deal compared to boot camp. And it was the one time in the race I was passing people! Heh. Most people walk the hill. I ran it. And then I walked through the water breaks. Because I still can’t drink water while running without A) Choking or B) Missing my mouth entirely. So, yeah. I ran THE HILL, but I walked at 3 different water tables. I like the juxtaposition of those two facts. It fits me.

And my TIME. That time has my pace a few seconds UNDER a 10-minute mile. That is faster than ANY of my 5+ mile training runs. I ran my 6-mile race FASTER than my 5-mile training runs and my race had a HILL in it. A HILL. A BIG SCARY HILL.

Can you feel my pride?

Beyond that…my best 5K time is 32:30. So My 10K time was at a faster pace than my best (and recent) 5K time. When I tell people boot camp has made me faster – THIS is what I’m talking about.

And the picture above. That picture was taken the last time I ran the Cotton Row (the 5K of course) but it might as well be a pre-boot camp picture from September. I basically had the same body and the same fitness level before I started boot camp. I’ve lost 15+ pounds on the scale and probably traded out another 5-10lbs of fat for muscle, if you analyze my measurements. This body is MUCH more fit and getting very lean but most of all? This body is proud. It’s not been easy at all. I always dreamed of being able to look back and say: At THIS MOMENT when I made THIS CHANGE or did THIS THING I lost weight and became fit. Unfortunately, that works for some people, but not for most of us. It started with boot camp, but it was months into boot camp before I lost any weight because I still was battling emotional eating. Hell…I’m still battling it…which is why the weight is coming of so slowly. But still…every month I’m a pound or two or five in the right direction.

And I’m PROUD. I crossed that finish-line yesterday and wanted to collapse because I pushed it so hard towards the end. And I finished 4 whole minutes UNDER my goal time. (My boot camp coach predicted 1:03, he was damn close.) I RAN THE HILL. I kept saying that over and over yesterday because – time, weight, muscles aside – the change in my body and mind that pushed me to run the hill that 90% of the runners walk? THAT is the change that makes me the most proud. I didn’t doubt myself. I didn’t say, “I can’t do that.” I said, “Let’s make this hill my BEEYATCH.” And I did.

This is a weird day for a former-Catholic. I know non-Catholics recognize Lent in some way, but for someone like me who grew up in Catholic schools, Ash Wednesday is like the first day of a new class whose grade is distributed on Easter. This is the day we grew up taking something out of our lives, or putting something in our lives (I said a decade of the rosary before bed every day during lent several years) to make ourselves better before Easter. Every day during Lent someone would remind us that we were supposed to be keeping a commitment, and somewhere they had probably make us write down our goals in Lent so that we could hold ourselves accountable.

Most of us still value that sentiment. Who wouldn’t? Don’t we all want some sort of extra motivation to better ourselves? And it was my experience that there were few things more powerful than proper religious motivation. I do miss that.

I always want to start something on Ash Wednesday. At least on the days that I remember. I’ll admit, sometimes Ash Wednesday comes and goes without my noticing. This year, however, my Fat Tuesday was Fat Enough that Ash Wednesday could not be ignored.

I have decided to go all out. Why not? I haven’t done an Extreme Lent (Sounds like a really crappy reality TV show) since I was in High School and feeling super-guilty about certain activities that will be discussed no further for fear of incrimination. This year I’m going to battle my own excuses. My husband hates when I say things like, “I’m too slow,” or “I’m too lazy,” or other such self-deprecating statements. He feels like I make them true by saying them, never giving myself a chance to be any other way. It’s like a self-fulfilling destiny. When I say, “I just don’t have the time,” then I’m automatically taking that time away. Whereas if I say, “I’ll make the time,” I can do just that. MAKE THE TIME.

So, I’m using Lent to make myself a Liar. These are all things I swore I couldn’t do…goals I’ve failed at meeting for any number of excuses. For 40+ days (because the Lenten season isn’t exactly 40 days, is it? I’m too lazy to Google it.) (See what I did there? Used one of my go-to excuses! I’m funny. And often still lazy.) my goal is to prove myself wrong. Prove I do have the time, the drive, the energy, the courage and the willpower to do all of the things I’ve put off or avoided lately.

20 Ways In 40+ Days To Prove To Myself That I Am A Big Fat Liar

1. I’m going to exercise for at least 30 minutes every day.
2. No Diet Cokes in the car. (For those of you who don’t know my daily habits, I never drive anywhere without a Diet Coke.) (Also, I almost deleted this one while this entry was still in “draft” mode because just the thought of driving home from boot camp without a Diet Coke makes me want to cry.)
3. No Beer on weeknights. (This is become quite a crutch for me, now that I’ve quit snacking at night.)
4. Eliminate non-productive internet time. (This is a metric only I can judge, but every time I’m at the computer I know whether or not it’s productive or time-wasting.)
5. Start my novel and work on it every day. I like doing positive changes too. Adding things to my routine instead of just taking things away. I’ve been wanting to write a fiction since I was 12, I think I’ll at least start during Lent. I’ll write a little every day.
6. Take Nikki on two photo walks: 1) Botanical Gardens and 2) Downtown.
7. Let the kids make t-shirts. Another project I’ve been promising them for months and keep putting it off.
8. No fast-food, even just for Diet Cokes. (Man. 40+ days without a McDonald’s Diet Coke may kill me.)
9. Cook at least one new meal every week.
10. Spend at least $50 at a local shop supporting local artists/craftsmen
11. Take another Spirited Art class with my husband.
12. Have a movie night with E…his choice…no matter how scary it is.
13. Make “real” bread. Not banana or pumpkin type breads. Something you could make a sandwich with. (Do you have an easy bread recipe? I have this weird fear of making bread. Something about “rising” intimidates me.)
14. Read at least 3 of the books on my “to read” list. Not counting book club books.
15. Paint my nails.
16. Videotape my own accent vlog.
17. Buy something from a Farmer’s Market and cook it.
18. Blog something (even just a photo) every day.
19. Write five letters and mail them old-school style to people I love.
20. Finally introduce myself to my neighbors.

I’ve told myself, “I can’t do this because [insert lame excuse here]” with each and every one of these things recently. So now? I’ll prove that I can. I may not have religious motivation, but I do totally love being Awesome. And Being Awesome can be a good motivator too.

Last week I wrote about my addiction to eating. This is the first week I’ve ever approached my eating habits as that…an addiction. Dealing with it the same way I did when I quit smoking. Facing every meal, every snack, every bit of food near my body – as part of my addiction. I’m trying to separate food from crutch. Which – surprisingly – has been quite easy. I guess, when it comes down to it, I can look at food and say, “This is a healthy meal.” And, “this is something that will just feed my addiction to emotional eating.” The trick is to not even take a BITE of ANYTHING in that latter category.

And I’ve done okay. I lost 5lbs. I’ve stayed under my calorie limit every day. For a week. Longer than I’ve ever gone. But it’s been very hard. Like when I quit smoking, without my emotional crutch of food? I’ve been a wreck. I’m depressed and anxious and stressed and tired ALL THE TIME. I’ve cried over the stupidest stuff. (As I write this? Tears on my cheeks from something that would have never made me cry before.) I’m an emotional WRECK. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m BOTH at the SAME TIME all day long. And because I’m not going to bed after eating non-stop for 2 hours, I’m not sleeping well. Evidently my brain thinks I need to be gorged to sleep. Have I mentioned I’m crying a lot? IN FRONT OF PEOPLE?

My point? Those 5lbs have come at a cost. A HUGE COST. But this is part of breaking an addiction. I know that. I’ve been through it with smoking and I’ve supported family and friends who have been through it with more severe addictions. Whether it’s alcohol, or bowls of cereal – if you depend on something to quell your anxiety or depression – giving it up MAKES YOU INSANE.

But…my point? (Evidently giving up up food as an emotional crutch also makes me very distracted and I lose my train of thought.) I survived the week. And I lost 5lbs. And then…TODAY HAPPENED.

There are several types of mistakes. And they all have a wide range of after-effect on your life. There are the mistakes that you don’t even fret about after they happen. You just chalk it up and move on. There are the ones you remember and fret about FOREVER. Then? There are a million types of mistakes in between. All ranging in longevity in haunt-time. How long will that mistake haunt me? 10 minutes? 10 days? 10 years? Well…I made mistakes from ALL THREE CATEGORIES today. And that kind of stress on top of an already fragile Kim? Was the perfect storm for a Binge Day.

It started with ONE 3 Musketeers bar. I knew I shouldn’t eat it. But I got to work and one of my early mistakes was lingering and I couldn’t quit stressing about it so I turned to the vending machine for solace. When I eat a 3 Musketeers it’s like a religious experience. I break off a chunk at a time, peel off the chocolate coating and eat that, then eat the mushy middle. Then I move on to the next chunk. I savored every bite and told myself it would be okay, it was my splurge but it wouldn’t get me off track for the day.

Then, after lunch, I still had to process some stress. So I got another 3 Musketeers bar. And then? 10 minutes later? I GOT ANOTHER ONE. Why do I bring money to work? WHY?

Let’s tally: Outside my breakfast and my lunch that were sensible and healthy, I had THREE 3-Musketeer bars by 3pm. THREE OF THEM. And were they snack size? NO. FULL SIZE. 840 calories of candy bars. IN ONE DAY. *sigh*

Now…I will say this. Before today, my typical binge would end in AT LEAST 2500 calories. AT LEAST. Most days it would be closer to 3500. Today the binge ended in a beer bringing the total to about 2000 calories. More than I would want to lose the weight I want…but less than a typical binge day. So, I’m trying my best to BE POSITIVE. Yes. I ate THREE candy bars today because I still don’t know how to process stress or sadness perfectly without food. I went straight for the candy today. And the beer tonight. BUT – I didn’t KEEP GOING FOR MORE. I stopped at the beer. Which isn’t really food, so I haven’t actually broken my rule about not eating at night.

My point? (SEE. LOSING TRAIN OF THOUGHT.) I had a binge today. I fell of the wagon. But I didn’t stay off. Which is a first. Used to be: When I screwed up the day with one step off the diet path, I threw the rest of the day away. I’d eat fast-food for dinner and milkshakes for a bedtime snack. But tonight? I had a healthy dinner and a beer before bed. THAT’S ALL.

I’m still a basket case. I’m crying at the drop of a hat…losing my patience with my kids…and letting my anxiety take me for a roller coaster ride. BUT – I’m slowly, but surely – learning how to cope emotionally without food. Slowly. One week in and I’m still functioning. I’m depressed and anxious without my edible crutches, but I’m still trying. I’m still facing this one bite at a time.

Will next week be easier? Probably not. The stress in my life will just keep escalating for the next few months. But this is the best time to do this. Baptize myself by fire. It’s the equivalent of quitting smoking cold turkey. I’m trying to quit dealing with my emotional issues with food: Cold Turkey. Am I quitting food? No. I am quitting using eating as a crutch. THAT I’m doing cold turkey.

I’m Kim, and I eat to ease my sadness/anger/anxiety. I’m been trying NOT to do this for 7 days now. And I’m only failing a little bit.

A Beautiful Mess has a challenge/idea on her blog to just set yourself Four Simple Goals to achieve before the end of the year.

1. choose simple goals that will make your life richer and happier on a daily basis. choose things you may not otherwise get done, but that are not difficult to accomplish.
2. do not choose result oriented goals, choose activity oriented goals. for example…. instead of “lose 10 pounds”, choose something like “eat fresh fruits and vegetables every day”. get what i’m saying? positive actions instead of just the end result!
3. choose goals that are personal that you believe will truly make your life richer just by doing them! they can be daily, weekly or one time experiences.

COME ON. This is a GREAT idea. I love that she refers to them as “activity oriented goals” – which I think is a key in my life. I feel like I have to achieve a certain result I get overwhelmed. But simple activities that enrich my life? WHO CAN SAY NO TO THAT ONE? I’m so in love with this idea that I’ve spent 24 hours obsessing over what my Four Simple Goals will be.

And I can’t seem to do it.

It’s so hard not to be like, “Finally! Lose that weight I’ve been trying to lose since [insert random catalyst in my past HERE. Suggestions: NikkiZ's birth. Quitting Smoking. Being Laid Off.]” But I’ve been struggling with that since whatever catalyst you chose occurred. So, that seems a bit disingenuous. I want to Be A Better Mom, but that’s not really activity related either. It seems Simple Activity Oriented Goals are a struggle for me.

BUT I DO NOT GIVE UP.

I decided to try NOT to revisit the same challenges I’ve been trying to conquer for years. Let’s do something completely different but that has been lingering in my mind for ages. Little bits of KRAZEE IDEAS that have popped up here and there. Maybe I should nurture those for awhile? Steer away from the standard: Lose Weight. Be A Better Mom. Complain Less. Smile More. These things are permanent fixtures in my mind anyway, things I’m always trying to do. I think this challenge is more about setting goals to do something that will shake things up a bit. Create inspiration in the day-to-day activity. I chose to focus on each goal one day a week so that every week I force myself to at least TRY to achieve these goals. So…WITHOUT FURTHER ADO:

Kim’s (Off-The-Beaten-Path) 4 Simple Goals

1. Wear a dress/skirt once a week. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I’m not a girly-girl. I don’t wear makeup but a few times a year. I rarely fix my hair and prefer the “scrunchy bun” technique. But sometimes I see these free-spirited Bohemian-styled women in skirts and dresses and think: THAT’S the kind of girly-girl I could be. No need for makeup, still. If I don’t want. Just some sort of flowing skirt and fun jewelery? I have LOADS of fun jewelery I never wear because I’m usually in sweats and a t-shirt. I see these women periodically and wonder what that would be like. I never even wore dresses/skirts much when I was working in a professional office. This? Could totally change my outlook on life. Or it could make me flash the neighborhood 100 times a day. I’m not very ladylike, you know.
2. One Day A Week, Carry The Camera Everywhere. I often see things throughout my day that I’d like to photograph. But – I don’t want to carry my camera everywhere all the time. Maybe if I picked ONE day a week to do it, I’d get used to it and find a system and force myself to take different photographs outside my normal arsenal of NikkiZ In A Cute Outfit.
3. Once a week force myself to eat something different. Maybe try a new recipe, but I’m thinking more about trying new foods in general. Or at least new combinations of foods. I know what I like and even though I’m cooking so much more than 2 years ago, it’s still the same basic menu. I really like Chicken. And Rice. And Pasta. A lot of my meals involve one of those three things. I want to get out of my comfort zone a bit now that I’m more comfortable in the kitchen and try something new. Maybe even something that isn’t A) A Casserole or B) Cooked in the Crockpot. Because at least 95% of my favorite meals come from one of those two places.
4. Visit a new place in town once a week. I love Huntsville, we all know that. But again – I’m in a rut just like in my kitchen. I know the places I like so when we want a park, or to shop, or to eat — I have my arsenal of faithful stops we revisit. I think I need to branch out more. Find some smaller stores to try out. New restaurants. Museums. Galleries. I can think of enough to get me through the end of the year just sitting here, not even Googling. Places I’ve wanted to try but that go out of my comfort zone a bit. I get nervous going somewhere new, but isn’t that the point of this exercise? Find simple ways to enrich our lives. Get OUT of my comfort zone, for a change. For some inspiration.

I’m nervous about all of these. I don’t think I realized how much of a creature of habit I am until I sat down to do this. I don’t branch out much. Partly because of anxiety, partly because I never feel like I’m quite cool enough to do these things. Wear a flowy skirt? Carry my camera everywhere? Eat at interesting places or visit galleries? THAT’S NOT ME. I eat BBQ in my Yoga pants (I don’t even do Yoga!) and take pictures of my kids in cute outfits. But I’ve been trying to get myself out of a rut in general anyway lately – why not try to introduce new things into my life as a way of doing that? Maybe I’ll find out I’m just a Maxi Dress Wearin’, Starfruit Eatin’, Gallery Browsin’ Photographer deep down inside.

Probably not. But, you know. We’ll see.

I haven’t talked a lot about starting the chain reaction of awesome in my life, lately. While I was thinking about that this morning I noticed: I have a lot of “selp-improvement” type categories listed here. I think that observation says a lot right there, don’t you think? Like, maybe there’s a part of me hoping if I give it a category on my blog it will stick? Anyway…chain reaction of awesome…I’ve not been doing much to nurture that journey lately. Not just here on this blog, but here in my actual life was well.

When you’re trying to grow as a person in any way, whether it’s starting meditation, or exercise, or just eating better – it’s very easy to get distracted. It’s very easy to avoid the actions that further these goals when you have – what feels like – more pressing and real needs surrounding you. The dishes in the sink, the laundry in the dryer, the poopy diaper on the kid in the next room. All of these immediate needs tend to trump any tasks associated with long-term goals. So, my long-term goals? Get washed down the drain with the dirty dishwater.

Add to the daily mundane BIG activities like; putting your house on the market, high school musicals, estates in probate, or sick family – and those long-term goals or dreams? Really start gathering dust. Studying for the GMAT so I can get my MBA? Impossible when trying to get my house POD Ready (FYI: PODs are just portable container units, like renting storage that gets dropped off and then picked up and moved.) so we can get it on the market by the end of May. Getting back my running body? On the back burner while we wrap up dad’s estates proceedings in Knoxville. Meditating? Improving Nutrition? Parenting adjustments? Can’t think about those while I’m sealing the grout in my kitchen.

Do you see what I have here? A lot of really valid and truthful excuses to put off all of the things I want to be doing. The thing is? If you really examine some of those entries from the ninety million Self Improvement categories I have on this blog? You’ll see that the long list of really valid and truthful excuses? NEVER ENDS.

There are always going to be little things that get in the way day to day: Cat puke to clean up, plants to be watered, cars to be vacuumed. There are always going to be big things that get in the way week to week: illness, home improvement, community needs. If my six years of blogging about making myself better has taught me anything? Is that there will never be time. Time to do what it is I want to do that seems frivolous compared to the immediate needs in my life and in the life of my family members.

So…yet again…I find myself at a crossroads. A moment in my life where maybe some clarity will produce some change. Maybe the realization that I could actually put things off forever at the rate I’m going – is just depressing enough for me to stop putting things off at all. That maybe I pull in chaos in my life to help me avoid these great improvements I need/want to make – so that I don’t have to face failure head on. Maybe I encourage the perpetual list of chores as a way to keep me from actually accomplishing any of my personal goals, so that I’ll never have to officially fail at them. And while this clarity can be very depressing, it’s also nice to know that these changes can be in my power. I don’t have to wait on the universe to give me the perfect conditions to finally encourage me to eat better, harness my creativity, meet my professional goals. Instead, I can say I’ll deal with what the universe needs me to do…AFTER I meditate, or exercise, or eat this bowl of fresh fruit. I can prioritize my personal needs before the needs of my family and of the universe.

Now, I’m not necessarily going to leave my kid sitting in his dirty diaper while I go run – but I can put off folding clothes until after I meditate. I can take the time to plan my daily menu and put off paying the bills until after grocery shopping. Because – and here’s the kicker – I’ve proven over a lifetime of getting things done, THEY WILL GET DONE. The dishes will get in the dishwasher, the laundry will get folded, the holes will get caulked and the lawn will get mowed. If all of the procrastinating of my own wants and needs has taught me anything, it’s this: Everyone Else’s Needs Will Be Met. Just maybe not on the same timeline that ignores my own personal needs.

So, for the nineteen millionth time, I’m refocusing. I am going to spend the week shifting my priorities and digging into all of those entries about who and what I want to be. I don’t want to keep writing about starting these journeys to self-improvement under different categories with different focuses. I want to recognize that: THERE WILL NEVER BE TIME UNLESS I MAKE IT. And I’m going to start making time.

Right after I hang those pictures on the wall and clean my toilet.

(P.S. I categorized this entry in all of my self-improvement categories to prove my point with the excessive categorizing of my self-improvement. Except for one: Operation Marathon. Because let’s be honest, I did that once. And while some may discover their love of real long-distance running with their first marathon? I WAS NOT ONE OF THEM.)

I read something interesting this week: Anxiety is rooted in FEAR. Maybe this is common sense but I had never thought about it that way before. That many times, my anxiety (especially in social situations) is truly just a manifestation of the fear I feel of failing in that situation. Today? I face BIG fears as I go be a part of the FIRST full dress rehearsal for Seussical at my son’s high school. This is a BIG DAY. I’m on the makeup crew and have just learned the very basics about stage makeup. (LilZ let me practice on him last night…how cool is he?) Today I learn some of the big jobs (hopefully) and help apply stage makeup to a dozens of high school kids. Fears I’ll be facing:

Fear of Failing: What if I’m the worst makeup applier in the history of theater? And they FIRE me? Can a volunteer be fired?

Fear of High School Kids: Yes, I have one. He’s awesome. Yes, his friends are awesome. Yet I still fear them IN GENERAL. Because I’ve been scared of them since I was in 8th grade. Hard to get past fear that ingrained.

Fear of Social Situations: Many, many adults will be part of this day. I’m getting SO much better in this crowd but I still freeze up and blunder and panic and inevitably say something really dumb. It happens every time.

Fear of Makeup: SERIOUSLY. I don’t even wear it regularly, when I do wear it I don’t really know how to put it on. Yet somehow I’m now on the makeup crew? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

But mixed in with all of the fear is the excitement of being part of something SO AWESOME. Seriously. I wish I could let you all see this production. I have no idea if this is a typical high school production or not, my high school only had 56 people in it’s senior class, so this is foreign to me. But the set? The costumes? The dance numbers? The voices? It’s amazing. I can’t believe the talent in these kids and in the teachers/parents helping. It really is something I’m so proud to be a part of.

There’s a song at the end of the show where Horton is being convicted of being insane for hearing voices in a dust speck. While the “court” is deciding they’re going to boil the dust speck, Horton starts BEGGING the Whos to shout together, demanding that they let their voices be heard so they won’t be boiled. The people in the courtroom are singing “Boil it! Boil it!” while the Whos are singing “We Are Here! We Are Here!” and it’s just the fantastic scene that is so full of energy and emotion and such a perfect end to an amazing show full of amazing people. Every time I hear them sing it…Hell, even when I hear it on the cast recording on my iPod…I cry. I cry EVERY TIME. Because I’m just so proud of these kids who have NO idea who I am. I’m proud of my kid for being part of it all. I’m proud of myself (hopefully) for helping backstage. Everyone in that room is conquering some sort of fear (forgetting lines, missing notes, falling down a HUGE set) yet they show up and perform these amazing musical numbers. And they do it WELL.

So, conquering my fear of makeup? Come on. Way easier than having to dance on a 6ft high platform adorned with Truffula trees. Ask my son. Who will be doing just that. AND who will also be doing one dance number blind as he’ll be inside what is essentially a giant black pillowcase. While he’s blind he’ll have to work with other dancers (who will also be blind in the same type of getup) to pick up JoJo – the lead in the show. Yes. LilZ thinks I should shut up already about my fears because if I screw up? Someone washes their face and starts over with a crew member who knows what they’re doing. If HE screws up…”People DIE.”

Good point. I’ll shut up now.

Example: These Classroom Valentine’s Ideas are brilliant and the Pop Flowers would be so quick and easy. But you know what I’ve learned the last few years? Quick and Easy still takes time. Which means time away from something else. Namely: Family, Blog, Photography and Job Hunt. And I’m trying to simplify my life this year so no matter how Quick and Easy and SO TOTALLY CUTE something seems? I’m not even letting myself consider it. No ma’am. Move along with you and your cute candy flowers. I’m buying a bag of candy and that’s IT.

I even stopped making handmade Thank You cards. While I think the sentiment of these cards is sweet, I have 50+ so far to write to my donors for my fundraiser and what’s important is that I write them. And let’s be realistic…making 50 Thank You cards would take forever. Whereas I can go buy some and just spend more time writing the note on the inside. And let me tell you something I realized yesterday: There are some beautiful Thank You cards out there. I bought the only two packs they had of this one style with an oragami butterfly but I swear I want to send one to myself: They are THAT CUTE. Love them. If you’ve donated I assure you that you will be getting the cutest card Target offers. It may not be as unique as if I made it myself, but I promise you it will be prettier. SERIOUSLY. Check out the Thank You card section at Target next time you’re there. I’m actually considering buying some of the blank notecard sets to frame. They’re THAT PRETTY.

Sidenote: If you donated and receive a Thank You card from me? I apologize for my penmanship. I forgot how ugly my handwriting is. I’ve always wished I had pretty handwriting…why isn’t that something I can teach myself? (BECAUSE I’VE TRIED!) Oh well, I think it’s at least legible. Focus on the front of the card, that’s the pretty part.

Anyway…my point? One week of making changes in my life to simplify things? And I can already tell a difference. I sent off 8 Thank You cards yesterday. I’m not sure if I would have even commited to thanking each donor if I was going to make them all. Now? I can. But it may take me awhile because it’s been a long time since I’ve written so much. 8 cards and my fingers started hurting. The College Me is making fun of me right now and reminding me the pages of notes I used to churn out in a 50 minute Dr. Kittle Ecology class. My fingers were obviously in better shape back then.

Now, let’s not discuss my failures in other areas. Like how I gained 5lbs over the holidays and haven’t even started to lose it again. When it takes you 9 months to lose 20lbs, gaining 5 in a few weeks is mightily impressive, don’t you think? But I’m confident I’ll get back on track…not losing hope. I will, however, be losing the recipe to Cake Poppers. I think those things are my downfall.

How about you? One week into the New Year and how do you feel?

There was the rain, first and foremost. The rain that would stop completely on my way into a store while I was running errands but became a torrential downpour on my way OUT of the store. The best? Was when we were leaving Sam’s Club. Because nothing in Sam’s gets bagged. Even bags of bread which taste AWESOME soaked in rain water. I was cursing myself for always parking in the back of the lot when a wonderful lady came over with her umbrella, held it over me and the kids, and escorted us to the van. I told her she was my good Samaritan. And maybe cried a little bit on her shoulder. Of course, will this encourage me to carry umbrellas? No. Because still, more often than not? A huge pain in my ass. The rain did same thing happened coming out of Target but we didn’t score an escort that time. And then the rain stopped right when we got to the van. Which I thought was the Universe’s way of saying, “What? It stopped! What more do you want?”

NikkiZ also deliberately peed all over the floor at school because she didn’t want to stop reading to go potty. *sigh* That’s all I feel like saying about that issue.

Then…as I was cooking banana bread later that afternoon LilZ called. He didn’t have rehearsal like I thought he did. He apologized for not reminding me, but he needed me to come get him. And it was cold (and rainy!) outside and he didn’t have any money and doesn’t like waiting inside places unless he can purchase something. I’m all, “Banana Bread! I don’t want to burn the house down!” I was also in the process of making homemade applesauce (WHAT? I know. I’m insane.) and in the rush to finish it all before the bread finished – I sliced off the tip of my thumb. It still hurts.

Finally – I had to run back out to Target for ink for our printer (School-age kids are very print-y, you know.) and they were out. So was Wal-Mart. Making the trips entirely fruitless. There are few things I hate worse than fruitless errands because that just means they were a HUGE waste of my time.

All in all? I held my cool. Even while bleeding to death in the kitchen. (Knives are sharp!) Dinner turned out great and no one minded the blood in the apples. I even managed to steam some fresh veggies with dinner, which always makes me feel good about myself. I didn’t lose it on the kids once, no matter how close I came several times. I just paused, and redirected. I noticed when I was about to lose my patience? Zerberting their belly seemed to help make me feel better. (How is “zerberting” not in my dictionary?) Something about a wholehearted belly laugh coming from a child kinda snaps me out of the FREAK OUT mode. It was a good day and I felt like I faced the forces trying my patience and came out the victor. Because if you don’t freak out on your kids after a day of Mother Nature attacking you at every turn? You deserve a reward. And I gave myself one in the form of a nice cold beer and some quality time with So You Think You Can Dance and Glee.

Thanks, everyone, for your sympathetic indignation, your support, and your suggestions. The one that I found most helpful was the observation Ellen made, that I need to “mommy network.” Leaving aside the fact that the idea of “mommy anything”ing fills me with trepidation, she’s right: “This is all about you socializing. Sorry, that’s the game.”

Mommy Networking. Wow. That’s what it’s called. The thing that I’ve been battling/dreading for years. Hell, my oldest child is almost 15, I’ve been avoiding this for over a decade.

Except that – oddly enough – it’s something I’ve been improving on since early October. It’s a very timely topic in my life, you could say.

Let me start by telling you how I deeply I’ve been avoiding these type of parental social situations. Until early October, I never attended ANY of the parties I was invited to at my children’s school. NONE of them. (I’m very glad our school has some sort of policy that EVERY kid has to be invited if the invitations show up at school. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have been invited to any I’m sure.) Even when LilZ was young enough to be invited to these gatherings, I was avoiding them. I’ve been discarding invitations for years. The only contact I have had with the parents of my kid’s classmates was at school parties and functions. And then…I usually (conveniently) found myself running between classes, or taking pictures, or doing just about anything other than socializing with the other parents. I was so awkward around them that when I happened to run into anyone outside of school? I couldn’t even say, “Hi!” without being awkward. I often found myself running away down other aisles if they hadn’t seen me yet.

Julie? DUDE. I totally get you.

Sidenote – I’ve always gotten along swimmingly with the kids. They love me. They know me from times I drop my and hang out or now, when I pick up NikkiZ halfday and I hang out at lunch, they are familiar with my face and I don’t ever run from them. Because socializing with the under-5 crowd is no problem for me.

So, fast-forward to October when we were invited to a party for one of the director’s children. I know the staff of the school very well. For some reason, I’m not scared of them. We exchange books, tell funny stories about our kids, and ask follow-up questions about other family members. I consider them friends, so it was very easy to accept this invitation. And you know what? Once I got past the fear of the situation? I actually had fun.

Then we had our own party for NikkiZ and wanted to invited the classroom. I guess that’s when I realized that there is a group of kids at the school and in the classes that are regulars at the parties. No one else bothers to RSVP with regrets even when it says, “REGRETS ONLY.” And…um….I was one of those Ignore The Invitations parents. I learned through our process that maybe that was a little rude of me. (YOU THINK?) So, between having fun at our first school-related birthday party, and having our first party we invited school kids to, I learned that maybe I should make an attempt at this Mommy Networking.

So – just this past weekend? I went to ANOTHER party. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? This party was at one of the places that has all of the inflatable slides and stuff inside. I had never been to one of those parties before and I have made a decision: I will throw MYSELF a party at one of those places before I die. MARK MY WORDS. It was so fun. Of course, I ended up with injuries:

Yes, I was tweeting during a four-year-old’s birthday party. You can take the blogger away from her computer but you can’t make her STOP BLOGGING. Anyway – it was loads of fun. I could totally Mommy Network all day long if we can break it up with the periodic romp down a giant inflatable slide. I talked with one other Mom from school who even mentioned that her child’s upcoming party is going to be at the same place. I am praying it will be on a weekend we’ll actually be in town which it may not be as her birthday is around the time MrZ and I will be going to Tucson.

That’s a sign I’ve come a long way. If I can’t come to the party – I will actually call with my regret. And even more surprisingly? I will be SAD about it.

I don’t see me hosting any Mommy functions or anything anytime soon, but I have at least become comfortable enough around these parents that I may be able to speak to them at the grocery store. As a matter of fact? I saw one of them at Publix and WE TALKED. Granted…this particular Mother is fantastically charming and makes me feel very much at ease and not insecure like I often do. Either way, I talked to her. I didn’t run and hide down the aisles to avoid her.

It’s always about the baby steps, isn’t it?