Yesterday went well. I know I said I wasn’t going to think about the past days and only focus on the present day - but it’s different when you had a good day. I didn’t do any late night binge-eating and I ran five miles. Good for me!

There were some crazy-ass storms last night. I woke up this morning and every piece of recycling we had in the bin was somewhere either on our yard or one of our neighbor’s. I had to go stomping around in the mud this morning picking up 19 million diet coke cans lying around. (How did I get that kidney infection again?) There is also soggy bits of newspaper in every corner of our yard - and I have no idea where that came from. We only get the paper on Sundays and it didn’t even come today. There was thunder and lightning all through the night - but we never heard a tornado siren, so we all slept through it.

I’m going to try to do a longer run today. Taking about a week off of training for my kidney infection puts me off track for my marathon. Luckily I was a bit ahead of the game anyway - I just have to ease myself back into it. I think I may just do 10 miles today (JUST 10 miles. Who am I?) We’ll see.

I stepped on the scale this morning. I have officially gained 14lbs since I went to the beach this summer. At that point I was only a few pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. SO CLOSE. Do you know how hard it is to GAIN weight while you’re training for a marathon (please abstain from the “it’s muscle, not fat!” comments - I’ll email you pictures if you want - ITS FAT) - but I have proven it’s possible with late night anxiety binging and all day candy-eating.

So, I think I’m going to start over. (Do you find yourself saying that a lot? It’s the most common phrase I ever utter.)

I think I focus so much on my failures that I get depressed which makes me eat more and fall even further away from the goal. So, I’m going to stop thinking about where I WAS and how I’ve gone BACKWARDS and just think about moving forward.

I took pictures of myself in my “dream” bathing suit, the one I want to fit into, about 3lbs ago. I told myself “This is as big as you’ll be, so take pictures so you can see how far you’ve come.” Now I find myself, 3lbs heavier and thinking, “Should I take another set of pictures?”

So: Today is just about TODAY. Sound good? I’m going to be healthy for TODAY. Screw last week. Screw last month. Screw last year. Hell, let’s screw tomorrow too! Today is just about today. Do you think it’s possible to change 31 years worth of conditioning to only think about today? I guess we’ll find out, won’t we?

After Every. Single. One. Of. You. recommended that I get a steamer when I mentioned wanting to eat fresh vegetables more often - I finally went and bought one. $15. Not bad at all. We ventured to the Fresh Market today and picked up some fresh produce and I steamed the crap out of it. AND I made rice. AND I baked some fish. Some Mahi. It was the first time I’ve cooked rice that wasn’t minute rice, the first time I’ve cooked raw vegetables, and the first I’ve baked fish not from Tysons. Can you believe it? ME? The one who only cooks things that comes frozen and in a box? I MADE THAT MEAL. I’m so damn proud. And it was so damn good. I’m a total rock star. Bob would be proud.

I went to the Fresh Market on my lunch break to get some fresh fruit. I always experience so many different sensations when I’m in that store. I feel partly Super Domestic because I’m shopping in a place that sells fresh herbs and has special carriers on the carts for the cut flowers. I feel partly Super Healthy because there are so many things marked “Organic” and “All Natural” which - you know - I really don’t give a flying crap about, but still - Super Healthy! I also feel a little bit Super Snobby because a lot of the clientele of that place have their noses up in the air and I feel like if I tell them I sometimes eat french fries from McDonald’s, they’d probably throw-up on my shoes. But mostly I feel Super Inspired because the produce is so pretty! Bright colors and perfect specimens. I want to photograph everything there right before I EAT IT ALL.

So, yeah. Fresh Market is all sorts of fun.

I ate my fresh fruit (6.4oz of mixed berries that were so good I may have drooled a little) and headed to run a few errands. After my errands I went to pick up a bowl of minestrone from Breugger’s to take back to the office to eat later for my “real” lunch. Bob says to eat small meals often to keep your blood sugar from dropping too low. And I do everything Bob says. So, I get settled in, back at work, and decide it’s time to break open the soup and have at it. And then I notice: Damn. NO SPOON.

I work in a small office so there is not really a kitchen area with utensils I can borrow. Nor are there any hidden stashes of disposable forks and spoons. I checked. So - how am I eating my soup? I’m drinking it. Like the bowl is a cup. And every time I go for a “sip” - I inevitably spill broth on myself and get food on my face. It’s totally hot and sexy. Normal people might of just put the soup aside and eat it later at home. With the help of a spoon. But normal people are not as DAMN HUNGRY as I am and I was going to find a way to eat it if I had to drive back to Breugger’s for a damn spoon.

So, yeah. Eating healthy is not as glamorous as I’d hoped. Anyone want a sip of some yummy minestrone?

I went to the gym last night and there were zero treadmills available. At 7:30. Luckily, I know the cycles well enough that I knew to just wait a few minutes. Five minutes later? There were two available. 20 minutes into my run there were five. So - not too big of a deal, I guess. Although I wasn’t sure where to wait, It’s not like there’s a line behind the treadmills or anything. I just sat in the lobby area where you can see the treadmills through the windows to that room. I wondered if there was a situation (someone waiting actually inside the room who could get to the treadmills before I could) where I might start a fight with someone over a treadmill. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Especially if it involved fisticuffs? I’m not exactly sure what “fisticuffs” are - but I really like that word and would love to be able to apply it to my own actions someday. Unfortunately - I just couldn’t really imagine any situation that would cause me to fight for a treadmill. I’m just not that into my workout. As a matter of fact, if someone came up to me seconds after I started my run and asked for my machine? I’d probably give it to them.

If you’re someone who has struggled with weight loss (and really - is there anyone out there who has never tried to lose weight? I don’t think I want to know…) you understand how fragile of a cycle it is. It takes a lot of effort to lose a few pounds, but not much effort at all to gain it back. I’ve been really frustrated with my battle this time around (there have been several battles in the war with my body over the years) because I had pretty much hit my pre-NikkiZ weight in July. I came within 1 pound according to my scale (yes, I know, everyone says not to get hung up on the numbers, but I have too, I’m sorry) . Since then I’ve put 10lbs back on. You know the sucky part? I started my marathon training around that time. Only I could actually put on weight while training for a marathon. I’m an idiot.

It’s like this. After my nightly runs I come home feeling like I haven’t eaten in days. Hence my commentary this week about eating brownies every night. Last night? It was See’s Candy and a bowl of cereal. I know while I’m eating it that I’m eating my run PLUS SOME but I just can’t make myself stop. So the pounds add on just a little bit at time. And for those of you who struggle with weight loss, you understand how quickly those pounds can add up. And it frustrates me because it’s just this damn cycle. Why can’t I just be a smart eater? Some days give myself rewards. Hell, give myself small rewards everyday since I run! Why do I have to be all Crazy Psycho Binge Girl every night? BAH. It makes me so angry with myself.

But what do I do? Come home again the next night and do the same thing. And the most frustrating part is that I’ve been doing great this week during the day. I’ve only eaten a few pieces of candy from the Evil Office Candy Bowl. I’ve eaten healthy for breakfast and lunch and light at dinner. It’s been that damn hour after I come home from the gym where I’ve still got a bunch of shit to do before I can go to bed, so I eat the entire supply of chocolate first. I think If I could just come home from the gym and go to bed? I’d be better off. Maybe? So tonight I’m going to finish all of my housework before leaving for the gym. So that I can just come home, put on my pajamas, and go to bed. Bypassing the kitchen along the way. And I think I’m going to throw away the rest of the candy.

(Note to MrZ and LilZ: I’m throwing away the rest of the candy. Get it now or lose it forever.)

(Who am I kidding? Like they even eat the stuff. That’s all me baby.)

And I know the advice: Stock up on healthy snacks. Well - I can overeat healthy stuff just as easily as I can chocolate. Last night I ate half a pack of Ritz crackers and a giant bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats. And even though I may be fine with the current size I’m at, I’ve been on this roller coaster long enough that I know 10lbs now becomes 20lbs and then 30 and then before we know it I’m back at my heaviest non-pregnant weight ever. 188. And in reality? That whole “heaviest weight ever” thing is always a passable limit. Before 188 my “heaviest weight ever” was 150lbs. I blew that limit out of the water. When I aim to pass a record? I do it FULL ON. So, if you’ve never been on the weight-loss ride, you think, “10lbs is not a big deal” - but if you’ve been trapped on this ride, trying to get off, you know. 10lbs is like the gateway drug. It gets you back on the Weight Gain part of the cycle, and turning back around to the Weight Loss is a very difficult thing to do. And there is no limit to the Weight Gain cycle.

Especially when there is See’s Candy in your kitchen.

Or Frosted Mini Wheats.

Or pretty much anything edible.

So - I’m going to document my eating on this site. The best luck I ever had with weight loss was when I did that pre-wedding. But, I know nobody really wants to read that crap, so I’m going to do it as “private” entries. If you are battling the same issues and would like to commiserate with me, I think you can click the “register” link at the bottom of my sidebar and it will allow you to sign up to see the private entries. I just don’t want to bore the people who are just stopping by for stories about ass sweat and Super Target.