Category Archives: Grumblecakes

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Attacking The Krazee Head-On

Well…so the “Let’s vent to avoid more Eating Of The Feelings!” thing did NOT go well. I mean, it didn’t help that I got my first Kill Yo’self tweet, but in general my life is just stressful right now. And venting might have made it worse.

And can I tell you the WORST part of my life right now? It’s 3:43am, I woke up at 3am (naturally…because when I’m stressed I can’t sleep more than 5 hours at a time) and discovered that I FORGOT TO BUY MY COFFEE CREAMER. I have backup creamer, the little miniature cups, but it is NOT the same and I like my coffee a certain way and THIS WAY IS NOT IT. It is really hard to greet a day with a positive attitude (at 3am no less) when you can’t have your coffee the way you like it.

Part of my problem is – as my friend Michelle put it yesterday – I have “I’m suffering from ‘too much to do’ paralysis.” The second she said that I was like, “OH MY GOD. ME TOO.” I think that’s my problem. I mean, I’m so overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done before Christmas, or hell – before the end of today – that I periodically found myself dazed, walking in circles, and eating straight from the jar of peanut butter.

So. I decided to take aggressive action towards my mood.

I’m going to try make use of my bullet journal and try to organize my To Do list in a timeline of deadlines etc so I can tackle things in the right priority today. I make general “to do” lists – but today I’m going to try to prioritize them a bit and create a timeline so I can see if it’s possible to even get it all done in time, and if it’s not? Make the adjustments necessary.

I printed up an email sent to me yesterday by long-time blog friend Robin. (Sidenote: If you ever think about emailing a blogger some encouragement? Do it. I have done it to bloggers I read dozens of times because it means so much when people do it for me.) The note was encouraging and joyful and helped remind me that – even when I feel like a binge-eating mess of anxiety and uselessness – there are still good things I have done and good things I can do. I’m going to hang the email on my fridge, put it in my purse, whatever I need to – to keep it as reminder that I’m not ALWAYS 100% Anxiety wrapped in Crazy wrapped in Stress wrapped in Exhaustion.

I made brownies at 3am. Why? Because part of my cause of anxiety is that I hate Christmas time with kids in school. There are always parents that do BIG things for teachers and even BIG things for classmates (Wes got gift bags yesterday with actual toys in them…they were given to every kid in his class by a parent) and I don’t do either. I mean, I guess we could if we shifted the Christmas budget around – but I really don’t want to do that. It’s not like we’re spending tons on the kids. E wanted two $70 Lady Gaga tickets for Christmas, we had to discuss this in advance because if we couldn’t do that he was going to try to do it with his own money, so we did it. And that’s basically his Christmas right there. It’s not like we have tons of extra to budget for classroom/teacher gifts. AND EVERYONE ELSE DOING SO MUCH MORE STRESSES ME OUT. So! My point? I made brownies. I’m going to give them brownies inside a coffee mug from my own collection (I know. Pitiful.) and I bought a $1 ornament to tie to the handle. I’m also going to send a nice letter, which I hope balances out the cheapness of the gift. But – either way – at least the kids are bringing something so that helps a tad bit with the guilt.

I’m going to honestly block out Facebook today. I work from home and it just stays open on my computer all day. It’s just one of the tabs that’s open and when I need to clear my brain of code/design/web crap I click over and unwind so I can re-focus. Today? I’m not going to do that. There are so many people who I truly like/respect/admire who have been voicing that the agree with Phil and The Bible and that they stand by him and what he believes (That the gay people in my family that I would die for are going to Hell) Edited to add: I wanted to make sure my point is understood, I may not have phrased it well. That is what PHIL believes. Not what CHRISTIANS as a WHOLE believe. There are more pro-marriage equality Christians in my life than not, so I don’t want anyone to ever think I’d clump them into the same group. and it just makes my heart hurt. I want to message them and say, “Hey. Let’s go to dinner some time. Let me tell you about [insert gay friend/family member's name here, there are plenty] or even better, let me introduce you to [awesome gay people] and then see how you hold to that belief.” Because – in my heart – I believe if they knew our stories, if they looked into the eyes of the people we love and saw how truly beautiful they are – regardless of who they are attracted to – they would change their minds.

BUT – I can’t do that. First of all – I respect the privacy of my gay friends and family too much to use them as my tools. Second? My heartbreak would be unbearable if – even after that – these people I really like still believed these people were going to Hell. I’m just going to close out Facebook for another day and continue to believe their minds would be changed if they knew my family and my friends. So! No Facebook tab! If my brain gets fuzzy I’ll do 5 pushups.

I’m going to stay in my pajamas as long as possible. This has NOTHING to do with productivity and has EVERYTHING to do with comfort. One of the perks of working from home is the uniform and today I’m going to take advantage of that. There’s nothing I love more than my flannel snowflake pants and my fuzzy houseshoes. I’ll be donning that until I’m forced to enter the public for whatever reason. If that doesn’t bring me joy and peace? NOTHING WILL.

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Maybe This Will Stop Me From Eating My Feelings

I’ve had a stressful week. I’m holding in a lot of ranting because I don’t like spewing negative energy into the world but OH MY GOD…I have been EATING ALL OF MY FEELINGS for three days. We’re talking about 3 days of 5000 calories or more. I’m telling you – I take my binge eating very seriously.

I think I need to let it out. I’ve let a bit out here and there, mainly on Twitter, but I think I just need to unload my stress so I can maybe try to eat LESS than a week’s worth of calories in one day. Also? It’s 3am and I’ve been up for 45 minutes already. I’m not sleeping well either. So…as much as I hate to add negativity out in the interwebs where there’s plenty already, and as much as I hate to complain about all of my first-world problems, I think I need to LET IT OUT or I may lose my mind.

The Queen Of First World Problems

We are already living on a NO-ROOM-FOR-SURPRISES Budget until we sell our house and we’ve had several unexpected expenses this month. A stupid service charge from Comcast which we’re trying to fight but we can’t even quit their service because no one else can give us the service we need to allow me to work from home. E got invited by his bestie to escort her to a debutant ball so we need to rent him a tux. (He’s working, but he needs that money for college.) Donnie’s car’s transmission crapped out this week. E’s laptop died. Donnie’s been having to go to PT at $25/visit twice a week. I mean – ALL OF THIS IN DECEMBER. When we’re already trying to make Christmas work (which we budget ahead of time a little bit) on a tight budget. I WANT TO CRY ALL OF THE TEARS. I actually used a gift card given to me for presents. I mean – TOTALLY #firstworldproblems: Oh! I had to use the gift card for someone else insted of me! – but STILL – SO STRESSFUL.

Stop Pooping On Joy Part 40 Million

Someone ranted on Facebook yesterday about how “Love Actually” is NOT the best Christmas movie ever and they continued to tear it apart scene by scene. LISTEN. STOP POOPING ON PEOPLE’S HARMLESS JOY. The Pooping On the Elf On The Shelf has been making me cranky daily, but SERIOUSLY? People loving a MOVIE is affecting your life HOW, exactly? I mean, if you don’t understand why people like something either A) Rant someplace where people you like won’t get their feelings hurt, C) Express your differing opinion softly, without insulting those who like it: “I don’t like that thing that everyone else likes. But I can’t claim great taste because I lurve me some Beiber.” B) Just don’t rant about it because WHO CARES?

I mean – like I said on Twitter – I didn’t really like Seinfeld when it was on. It just wasn’t my type of show. And I got SNARKY about it and self-righteous and this was just in my group of friends. Not on FB. And finally someone kinda quietly said, “I like that show.” And I felt AWFUL. I realized that I was like, “I just don’t get it. That show is so dumb. Oh my god. How do people like it.” And BAM! Someone in that room liked it and I totally hurt their feelings. JEEZUS, PEOPLE. Opinions are NOT FACT. No one can REALLY prove what is the best Christmas movie ever. SO STOP ARGUING ABOUT IT. BAH! (Someone sent me a link to this video which has some NSFW audio but is SPOT ON.)

This Is Not About Freedom Of Speech

Okay. And the last one. The one that I saw first thing when I woke up this morning and have since decided to stay the HELL away from Facebook today: Getting Fired For Publicly Saying Something That Might Hurt The Bottom Line Of The Business That Employees You Is Not Infringing On Your Freedom Of Speech. It Is Actually CAPITALISM. It’s A Business Responding To Consumers Which Is What They Are Supposed To Do If You Are A Fan Of Capitalism.

I mean, come on! I have people in my life who I would DIE for – that’s how close they are to me – and they are gay. It is NO SECRET that I do not tolerate ignorance or hatred towards the LGBT community. This is an issue near and dear to me because I would do anything in my power to help my gay friends and family achieve happiness and equality. BUT THIS IS NOT ABOUT THAT. This rant is about everyone posting about this like it’s a freedom-of-speech issue. BAH.

Edited to add: I had a graphic here that I edited that had me getting totally snarky about people posting about this like it’s a Freedom of Speech issue. I sent that graphic to twitter where someone promptly told me to “off myself”. Therefore, I removed that graphic from this blog because while I stand by my words – this is NOT a freedom of speech issue – I also don’t like people telling me to kill myself. So, you know…I’m censoring myself. DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

So! I’ll be avoiding Facebook until this passes because I don’t want to unfriend people before Christmas. I don’t want to know who is going to “Stand By Phil” and his ignorant statements about people I love. If you stand by Phil? You do NOT stand by me and my loved ones. And that would break my heart, so I’d rather not know where you’re standing at all. In my head every one of my friends supports my gay family wholeheartedly – I’d like to keep the dream alive. I’m hoping this ignorance will allow me to avoid more binge eating today.

Actually…I’m just going to avoid social media of all types today. It won’t help my money issues, but it will help my anger when people poop on innocent joy, and it will help my anger when people vocalize their support for someone who publicly criticizes people I would die for.

If anything happens I need to know about. Just pop over here and let me know. Thanks. Otherwise? I’ll be in LaLa Land where everyone lets people like whatever crappy things they like – without persecution; and NO ONE supports people who publicly vocalize ignorant views about groups of people I love.

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Wanted: New Running Skirt

I wrote here once before about how I spent summer of 2012 trying to find a good running skirt. See? My thighs rub BAD when I run. I chafe like a mother trucker. Sprays/gels/powder/bars all help a little bit, but once you run more than an hour or sweat more than two, your best ammunition against chaffing is GOOD CLOTHING. I wore bike/spandex shorts most of the time but I wanted a SKIRT because skirts are CUTE. I tried several at $30-$60 a pop and they all sucked. They were cute, but they rode up on me make the chaffing still happen but combined with me constantly having to pull them out of my crotch.

Enter: Lululemon pace setter skirt. It was the answer to my prayers. I found it at the end of the summer 2012 and wore it again this weekend at my half-marathon. 12+ months from that $60 skirt. I adore it. It flatters my body and stays in place. I bought a blue one along the way too but I don’t wear it as often simply because it doesn’t go with everything.

Now, over the last year I’ve heard the periodic Chip Wilson is an Ass story. Chip being the founder of Lululemon. I mean, nothing outright HORRIBLE. Just the kind of stuff that left a bad taste in my mouth. Like that they won’t make bigger than a size 12. He writes weird blog posts discussing things like birth control and women entering the work force. It just became very apparent that he may not be the kind of guy I’d shop from if he was selling his stuff in a small store in my town.

But I can easily forget about him because THE SKIRT IS SO AWESOME.

I’ve discussed before that “boycotting” is not something I really support simply because if I’m not going to research every product I buy, it seems hypocritical. HOWEVER – there are certain companies we don’t buy from any more just because we feel icky. There’s been enough attention in the media that we now think of our gay friends and family when we see a Chik-fil-A. We think of dogfighting when we see Nike. I think of how much I disagree with the National Organization of Marriage when I see an Ender’s Game trailer. It’s not that we’re saying, “We won’t spend money towards this business because we disagree with it.” Because that implies that we know SO MUCH about the business and that we’ve come to this conclusion and that we research where all of our dollars go. We don’t.

All we know in this family is some businesses/companies/people make us feel ICKY. And we don’t want to spend our money towards things that make us feel ICKY.

So! We don’t eat at Chik-fil-A, we don’t buy Nike (although we wear it from back before we stopped buying it and that shit lasts FOREVER), we won’t pay money for a movie or book if a penny of that money could end up Orson Scott Card’s pocket because he sat on the board of NoM.

Why? We feel icky.

"Thunder Thighs" because they're powerful as SHIT.
“Thunder Thighs” because they’re powerful as SHIT.
And now? I CAN’T BUY A NEW PACE SETTER SKIRT.

And I’m REALLY pissed off about it.

Here’s a good summary of Chip Wilson’s recent asshatedness. I was going to let myself buy a new skirt because – funnily enough – mine was not holding up well. It was piling in the thighs (Because – GOD FORBID – my thighs touch!) and the elastic wasn’t staying in place anymore. Also? I’ve lost a tiny bit of weight and thought dropping a size might be motivation for me to keep going. I was going to buy one THIS WEEK. No lie.

But now? BLARGH.

“It’s really about the rubbing through the thighs. How much pressure is there, and over a period of time, and how much they use it.”

DUDE. I weight 134 pounds and run over 50 miles a week. MY thighs rub together because I’m a BADASS. If your athletic clothing can not handle a healthy woman’s thighs rubbing together – then either fix it, or quit charging so much for it! And his “apology” kinda made it worse. He never apologized for his product or for his blame, he just apologized that his words upset people. BLURGH.

I’m proud of my legs. My stomach I complain about but EVERY PICTURE taken of me this weekend showed my badass thighs rocking a badass half-marathon. If a company who clothes those thighs thinks they can’t make fabric to tolerate my athleticism but they STILL want to charge $60+ bucks for it? Then fine. I’ll shop somewhere else.

And I’ll be REALLY pissed off about it. Because – MAN – I adore that skirt.

So! I’m in the market for a new running skirt. I’d like it to have that adhesive/sticky stuff on the inside like the Lulu skirt did. I think that helps it stay in place. I need a small pocket for my key fob. I’d like it to have ruffles because it makes my ass look awesome. But most importantly? I’d like it if no spokesperson from the company every blames a woman’s thighs touching for the crapiness of their fabric.

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Think Before You Link

Over the last year or two, the frequency of innocent people suffering after pics/videos/blog posts go viral has increased exponentially and it is FREAKING ME OUT.

Here’s what it is, a girl wears a tasteless costume to her office (Ex: Boston Marathon Victim) and someone posts it to instagram and then several of that person’s friends are offended so they spread it to THEIR friends and then, the next thing you know, that girl’s sister is receiving death threats.

THIS REALLY HAPPENED.

Or what about the woman who wrote an entry on her blogging lambasting the girls of her son’s friends for posting “sexy” pictures of themselves and every blogger argued with her – including myself. (In my defense, I didn’t link to her.) Then she got HUNDREDS of emails/comments chewing her out for her ignorance and shaming.

Well…every time this unknown person gets soaked in an unkind spotlight? I have sympathy anxiety attacks. And it freaks me out that it happens and I pray to all that is holy that nothing stupid I ever do/say on the internet comes back to haunt me.

But then, last week, I was faced with an urge to spread something similar.

Someone local posted something on Facebook that upset me a million times over. It was an offensive Halloween costume and I’ll leave it at that. But…there was a part of me that wanted to post it SOMEWHERE to find SOMEONE to be as outraged as I was. And I thought this is how it happens.

I mean, it was quite offensive and could have easily gone viral, and it hit me: THIS IS WHERE IT STARTS.

It starts with that one person outraged and looking for other people to be angry with them. And I get that…I totally do…I wanted someone to do something to make me feel justified in my outrage. But…OH MY GOD…why do we do that? Why do we want to throw someone we barely know under the bus just to feel better about our visceral reaction to something.

I mean, people ALREADY in the public eye? That’s different. If a celebrity does something offensive at Halloween and you spread that link? I don’t look at that the same way because people already in the public eye are more equipped to handle it. Does it make it right? I don’t know. But it’s DIFFERENT.

But I really wish the negative spotlight on the unknowne would stop. I saw the picture of the girl in the Boston Marathon Victim costume and I felt outraged. But — this is a complete stranger. Is it making the world any better that I’m helping shine a spotlight on her and her bad decision? No.

So I think I’d like that – before we share links/photos/tweets/videos of stupid shit people do with lapses of judgement – we make sure it’s really worth it. Do they deserve the rage that will float their way after their Racist Tweet goes viral? I mean, 9 times out of 10 they probably NEED someone to put them in their place, but it just escalates SO FAST.

The Boston Marathon Victim Costume sister received DEATH THREATS.

Bad judgement doesn’t deserve that.

I don’t know if there’s a point to this, other than just putting it out there. I will do my best not to make it harder for people to live down their bad calls in life. Hopefully someone close to them will teach them how what they’re doing is offensive, and they’ll learn their lesson without the public shame and death threats.

Only in a perfect world, I guess…

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In Defense Of Those That Forget To Send Thank You Cards

You know how we were talking last week about things we just don’t understand? Well, there’s another one that is not on MY list of irritants, but it holds a dominant spot on other people’s lists.

PEOPLE WHO DON’T SEND THANK YOU CARDS.

Let me start by saying that – in my adult life – I’ve been about 75% successful (or better) at sending Thank You cards to people for gifts received or favors delivered. But – there have been those times where it has just never happened. And I know so many people who get SO ANGRY about that and who carry it around FOR YEARS or longer, that I wanted to speak in defense of those times.

Most of the time you just forget. Simple as that. It’s on your To-Do list for a few days, or you left the gift out to remind you, and then suddenly months have passed and it never happened and you aren’t exactly sure if you forgot or not and it’s just easier to let go of the nagging feeling and write it off than to deal with it by maybe sending a second or a very late Thank You card.

And if you don’t understand how life can get SO busy that you would forget something THAT important…then please remember this: Everyone has different priorities. I have friends who don’t understand how I can live with piles of animal hair in every corner of my home. I have friends who don’t understand how I don’t help out at the kid’s school. I have friends who don’t understand how I let my kids eat processed snacks. And then I don’t understand how people don’t get addicted to running or how people don’t read. We all have things in our life that grab our attention, and if someone else’s life doesn’t have the “THANK YOU CARD” alarm that your life has? Remember that there are other things you ignore that the Thank You Card Neglecting person would think shocking.

I guess, my point is that YES. Thank You Cards are important. I made my daughter write one this weekend before she spent the actual gift card she received. But, the thing that bothers me more than people forgetting to send Thank You Cards, are the people who REMEMBER those who DON’T.

Please, understand that we are not bad people. And it’s not really fair to hold on to that in relationship to us forever. You don’t know our life. You don’t know the stress we were under when we received your gift, or the sadness, or the anxiety…you can’t assume that everyone’s life works like yours. And while you and your 8 kids, and full-time job, and PTA president, and soccer Mom life still allows for you to NEVER forget to send a Thank You card…your life is still not theirs. And they could be dealing with any sort of thing that is none of your business. And please keep this in mind: Holding on for years to the fact that your cousin didn’t send you a Thank You for the graduation gift, completely negates the charity of the gift itself. Yes, for practical reasons it would be nice just so that we know the gift was received, but once 6 months or so have passed? LET IT GO.

I bring this up because we got a Thank You card today and there was an apology for it being late. I wanted to write them back and say, “Don’t apologize! It’s your life! Life happens! Anyone who needs that apology should not have given you a gift in the first place! I don’t need an apology! And you don’t owe me one!”

And that’s when I realized I have some frustrations about this topic and maybe I should write about it to vent those frustrations.

Maybe it’s just a Southern thing, but I hear it time and time again. People complaining about people who don’t send Thank You cards. And I get it – I really do. I hate when I don’t get one because there’s a part of me that thinks, “Maybe I shouldn’t have sent a gift, then!” But then I hate myself. Because I’ve been there. I’ve forgotten. And it has nothing to do with not appreciating the gift. It has more to do with brains and their ability to only handle certain amounts of stress without cracking. There are some points in my life when I’m feeling gray – often from missing my Dad, sometimes from my failed pregnancies, often just because I’m disappointed in myself for any number of reason – and my brain pushes things like “Write Thank You Card” to the back of my mind so that all of my energy can be focused on getting through the day without a breakdown. And if anyone I send a gift to is having the same day? Then I pray their brain does the same thing mine does. I hope that they put my Thank You Card so far behind the task of “Staying Sane” that they forget it because that is not what’s important.

So…Do your best to remember your Thank You cards. But if someone forgets to send you one? Let them off the hook QUICKLY. And then don’t keep bringing it up to friends/family because then you didn’t really let them off the hook. Don’t save it for parties when people are discussing that one time they didn’t get a Thank You. Don’t save it for when they send YOU a gift and think Well, they didn’t send ME a Thank You Card…. Don’t think of them as less of a person. Because – I’ve been there – and I assure you they are still grateful. But sometimes their brain prioritizes things for them in order to preserve harmony in their life, so if they forget to send you a Thank You Card? It’s for a good reason. And while that still sucks? Don’t that against them (or me) forever, please?

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