Well…so the “Let’s vent to avoid more Eating Of The Feelings!” thing did NOT go well. I mean, it didn’t help that I got my first Kill Yo’self tweet, but in general my life is just stressful right now. And venting might have made it worse.
And can I tell you the WORST part of my life right now? It’s 3:43am, I woke up at 3am (naturally…because when I’m stressed I can’t sleep more than 5 hours at a time) and discovered that I FORGOT TO BUY MY COFFEE CREAMER. I have backup creamer, the little miniature cups, but it is NOT the same and I like my coffee a certain way and THIS WAY IS NOT IT. It is really hard to greet a day with a positive attitude (at 3am no less) when you can’t have your coffee the way you like it.
Part of my problem is – as my friend Michelle put it yesterday – I have “I’m suffering from ‘too much to do’ paralysis.” The second she said that I was like, “OH MY GOD. ME TOO.” I think that’s my problem. I mean, I’m so overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done before Christmas, or hell – before the end of today – that I periodically found myself dazed, walking in circles, and eating straight from the jar of peanut butter.
So. I decided to take aggressive action towards my mood.
I’m going to try make use of my bullet journal and try to organize my To Do list in a timeline of deadlines etc so I can tackle things in the right priority today. I make general “to do” lists – but today I’m going to try to prioritize them a bit and create a timeline so I can see if it’s possible to even get it all done in time, and if it’s not? Make the adjustments necessary.
I printed up an email sent to me yesterday by long-time blog friend Robin. (Sidenote: If you ever think about emailing a blogger some encouragement? Do it. I have done it to bloggers I read dozens of times because it means so much when people do it for me.) The note was encouraging and joyful and helped remind me that – even when I feel like a binge-eating mess of anxiety and uselessness – there are still good things I have done and good things I can do. I’m going to hang the email on my fridge, put it in my purse, whatever I need to – to keep it as reminder that I’m not ALWAYS 100% Anxiety wrapped in Crazy wrapped in Stress wrapped in Exhaustion.
I made brownies at 3am. Why? Because part of my cause of anxiety is that I hate Christmas time with kids in school. There are always parents that do BIG things for teachers and even BIG things for classmates (Wes got gift bags yesterday with actual toys in them…they were given to every kid in his class by a parent) and I don’t do either. I mean, I guess we could if we shifted the Christmas budget around – but I really don’t want to do that. It’s not like we’re spending tons on the kids. E wanted two $70 Lady Gaga tickets for Christmas, we had to discuss this in advance because if we couldn’t do that he was going to try to do it with his own money, so we did it. And that’s basically his Christmas right there. It’s not like we have tons of extra to budget for classroom/teacher gifts. AND EVERYONE ELSE DOING SO MUCH MORE STRESSES ME OUT. So! My point? I made brownies. I’m going to give them brownies inside a coffee mug from my own collection (I know. Pitiful.) and I bought a $1 ornament to tie to the handle. I’m also going to send a nice letter, which I hope balances out the cheapness of the gift. But – either way – at least the kids are bringing something so that helps a tad bit with the guilt.
I’m going to honestly block out Facebook today. I work from home and it just stays open on my computer all day. It’s just one of the tabs that’s open and when I need to clear my brain of code/design/web crap I click over and unwind so I can re-focus. Today? I’m not going to do that. There are so many people who I truly like/respect/admire who have been voicing that the agree with Phil and The Bible and that they stand by him and what he believes (That the gay people in my family that I would die for are going to Hell) Edited to add: I wanted to make sure my point is understood, I may not have phrased it well. That is what PHIL believes. Not what CHRISTIANS as a WHOLE believe. There are more pro-marriage equality Christians in my life than not, so I don’t want anyone to ever think I’d clump them into the same group. and it just makes my heart hurt. I want to message them and say, “Hey. Let’s go to dinner some time. Let me tell you about [insert gay friend/family member's name here, there are plenty] or even better, let me introduce you to [awesome gay people] and then see how you hold to that belief.” Because – in my heart – I believe if they knew our stories, if they looked into the eyes of the people we love and saw how truly beautiful they are – regardless of who they are attracted to – they would change their minds.
BUT – I can’t do that. First of all – I respect the privacy of my gay friends and family too much to use them as my tools. Second? My heartbreak would be unbearable if – even after that – these people I really like still believed these people were going to Hell. I’m just going to close out Facebook for another day and continue to believe their minds would be changed if they knew my family and my friends. So! No Facebook tab! If my brain gets fuzzy I’ll do 5 pushups.
I’m going to stay in my pajamas as long as possible. This has NOTHING to do with productivity and has EVERYTHING to do with comfort. One of the perks of working from home is the uniform and today I’m going to take advantage of that. There’s nothing I love more than my flannel snowflake pants and my fuzzy houseshoes. I’ll be donning that until I’m forced to enter the public for whatever reason. If that doesn’t bring me joy and peace? NOTHING WILL.