We officially go back to school today. LilZ has had a summer full of unpaid labor as I’ve made him babysit, paint, move, walk dogs and just about anything else I can think of all summer. For the most part I’ve let him sleep as late as he wanted, save the few times I asked him to just take the dogs out for me while I was at the old house, but mostly he’s been able to sleep a lot this summer. But when he wasn’t sleeping? He was helping me out at every turn starting with painting and moving and ending with painting and babysitting and dogwalking.

I have no idea how I’m going to survive without him.

MrZ has been training for a huge triathlon since April or so. His extra time is very much taken up by this training class and program and it requires he keep a pretty strict sleep schedule. Going to bed early so he can get up at 5 and bike, or 4 and swim or 5 and run. He’s been busy with the move and such too, but his lack of extra free time has put even more work on LilZ’s shoulders this summer. Since MrZ is still training, he can’t really help me out now that my teenage assistant is now busy with school. In other words? I’m screwed.

I sometimes wonder how I ever parented alone. Of course, I wasn’t moving or owning two homes that needed paint and lawncare. I wasn’t walking two dogs three times a day or feeding five people every night. But still – I had one kid, I was working full-time and going to school full-time. I don’t remember us living in filth, but we were rarely home to really destroy the place. Maybe because I was younger but I just can not imagine trying to do all of that again now. Maybe I blocked a lot of it from my memory because the stress was so traumatic. But here I am, married AND with a helpful teenager and I still often think, “OMG. I can’t do it all.” When I don’t even have to. I have two very able-bodied people helping me. Meaning there are single Moms out there imagining punching me in the face every time I complain.

Either way: I’m a wuss and I’m losing my number one helper and my friend who keeps me sane today. Of course, I’m sure you’ll not be surprised at all to know he’s over-the-moon with excitement. I mean, let’s face it, even with having to get up early, his days will still probably be nineteen million times easier. No picking up dog poop in 100° weather, no cleaning baby butts, no painting, no carrying boxes up two flights of stairs…Yeah, I’d take 8am homeroom over that schedule ANY day.

Have fun at school today, LilZ. I wouldn’t have survived the summer without you.

I survived yesterday, which was still just a dress rehearsal. I think I’m getting better at makeup but still terrified someone is going to make me paint the circle around the faces of the kids wearing white paint on their face. I can NOT draw a straight line to save my life. And while I know a circle is not a straight line (I learned that studying for my GMAT) it still is a curved line that should NOT HAVE SQUIGGLES. I assure you if someone put the pencil in the hand of someone who smoked for 10 years and also has a thing for caffeine? You WILL get squiggles.

NikkiZ has to perform FOUR times today. We’re doing two FULL shows and two small sections as a “preview” for the high schoolers. I’m worried she won’t make it. She’s a bit whiny about the costume (To which her brother, who has to change like a bagillion time says, “SUCK IT UP.”) and she won’t have her scheduled nap after getting very little sleep this past night. I’m envisioning her final performance in the Who Marching Band this evening will involve many scowls and possibly tears. WISH US LUCK.

Thanks for listening to me through all of this. It’s such an exciting thing to experience and while I know most of you find it tedious, (Really? Seussical again?) I appreciate you letting me document my journey here without too much grief. It’s also nice to finally give LilZ the attention he deserves. He’s done an amazing job and I just don’t think I ever knew how much drive, determination and dedication he has for theater. He’s amazed me at every turn so I’m glad he gets the focus from me he has earned. Being the oldest with two very young sibling has you lost in the shuffle many days. But this week? He’s in the spotlight.

And wearing an animal costume.

From yesterday’s bonnet parade at NikkiZ’s school.

I read something interesting this week: Anxiety is rooted in FEAR. Maybe this is common sense but I had never thought about it that way before. That many times, my anxiety (especially in social situations) is truly just a manifestation of the fear I feel of failing in that situation. Today? I face BIG fears as I go be a part of the FIRST full dress rehearsal for Seussical at my son’s high school. This is a BIG DAY. I’m on the makeup crew and have just learned the very basics about stage makeup. (LilZ let me practice on him last night…how cool is he?) Today I learn some of the big jobs (hopefully) and help apply stage makeup to a dozens of high school kids. Fears I’ll be facing:

Fear of Failing: What if I’m the worst makeup applier in the history of theater? And they FIRE me? Can a volunteer be fired?

Fear of High School Kids: Yes, I have one. He’s awesome. Yes, his friends are awesome. Yet I still fear them IN GENERAL. Because I’ve been scared of them since I was in 8th grade. Hard to get past fear that ingrained.

Fear of Social Situations: Many, many adults will be part of this day. I’m getting SO much better in this crowd but I still freeze up and blunder and panic and inevitably say something really dumb. It happens every time.

Fear of Makeup: SERIOUSLY. I don’t even wear it regularly, when I do wear it I don’t really know how to put it on. Yet somehow I’m now on the makeup crew? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

But mixed in with all of the fear is the excitement of being part of something SO AWESOME. Seriously. I wish I could let you all see this production. I have no idea if this is a typical high school production or not, my high school only had 56 people in it’s senior class, so this is foreign to me. But the set? The costumes? The dance numbers? The voices? It’s amazing. I can’t believe the talent in these kids and in the teachers/parents helping. It really is something I’m so proud to be a part of.

There’s a song at the end of the show where Horton is being convicted of being insane for hearing voices in a dust speck. While the “court” is deciding they’re going to boil the dust speck, Horton starts BEGGING the Whos to shout together, demanding that they let their voices be heard so they won’t be boiled. The people in the courtroom are singing “Boil it! Boil it!” while the Whos are singing “We Are Here! We Are Here!” and it’s just the fantastic scene that is so full of energy and emotion and such a perfect end to an amazing show full of amazing people. Every time I hear them sing it…Hell, even when I hear it on the cast recording on my iPod…I cry. I cry EVERY TIME. Because I’m just so proud of these kids who have NO idea who I am. I’m proud of my kid for being part of it all. I’m proud of myself (hopefully) for helping backstage. Everyone in that room is conquering some sort of fear (forgetting lines, missing notes, falling down a HUGE set) yet they show up and perform these amazing musical numbers. And they do it WELL.

So, conquering my fear of makeup? Come on. Way easier than having to dance on a 6ft high platform adorned with Truffula trees. Ask my son. Who will be doing just that. AND who will also be doing one dance number blind as he’ll be inside what is essentially a giant black pillowcase. While he’s blind he’ll have to work with other dancers (who will also be blind in the same type of getup) to pick up JoJo – the lead in the show. Yes. LilZ thinks I should shut up already about my fears because if I screw up? Someone washes their face and starts over with a crew member who knows what they’re doing. If HE screws up…”People DIE.”

Good point. I’ll shut up now.

I have totally been trying to redefine the boundaries of my comfort zone lately. And much to my pleasure, the process has not killed me. Nor has it driven me to drink. It hasn’t even done too much to my sleep patterns, but that may have more to do with the fact that my sleep patterns have been messed up for about a year now. Either way – Facing my Anxiety and KICKING IT’S ASS. That’s what I’ve been up to. How about you?

See..the thing about the hobby of “THEATER” is that it tends to be a family hobby. Whether because the parent’s involvement in theater spawned the child’s interest – or vice versa – if one person is involved in theater in some way or another? The whole family will eventually play a part. (No pun intended.)

The thing is, in most cases, it’s the parent’s interest that comes first. So, in terms of the group of kids involved in the Spring musical LilZ is currently in, the parents all know each other. I noticed this very early on as I would overhear parents discussing other productions in town and what their kids were doing in those. Or even what they were doing as some parents perform in community theater. And if the parents aren’t involved directly, they’ve become involved over the years of having kids involved. It’s a very tight-knit group of people who have fought battles on the stage together. Late night sewing sessions, painting sessions, and hours upon hours of reading lines with their kids. They all have the scars to prove their commitment and the bond those kind of experiences form seem to be very strong.

And I’m a new recruit. A recruit brought in by my son. Until this production, I had no prior experience with anything theater related. I had no idea what a “Strike Party” was (everyone helping tear down the set after the last performance) and I still don’t know the difference between “Stage Right” and “Stage Left.” I learned yesterday that a “Costume Parade” is not actually a parade. After LilZ finally stopped laughing at my assumption that the teenagers would be marching through the halls of their high school in their costumes, he explained to me that it’s essentially the final costume fitting. The kids line up on stage in their costumes (ideally with an almost complete set behind them) as the director and costumer and others look on and critique for final adjustments. Totally no where NEAR as much fun as my idea. For the record.

MrZ and I have been slowly but surely acclimating ourselves to this new tight-knit community. He’s done several set-build sessions and I’ve done a little bit of painting, hot-gluing and pinning. Every time, I step a little bit out of my social comfort zone and work to remember names and make friends. I do have quite a bit of social anxiety so I frantically worry every night before a session about whether or not I’ll remember names, or be able to strike up conversation. But every night? It’s gone great. I actually feel like I’m making friends with many of these parents and this is like A WHOLE NEW WORLD. I’m still very awkward but I’m feeling much better about it all.

And last night? I combined all of that with something else that is entirely new to me: MAKEUP.

I went to a Makeup lesson last night. ME. MAKEUP. One of the first things the lead Makeup Mom told me (she’s been doing this at the high school for 10 years now as she’s watched her own kids go through the program) was that, “Stage makeup is nothing like beauty makeup.” To which I replied, “Good. Because I know nothing about that either.” As I’m sure was evident since I was sitting there with NO MAKEUP ON. But the session? SO MUCH FUN. It was just an introduction to technique and equipment but we also discussed strategy and ideas with some of the characters. This is a musical revolving around Seuss characters, so it will involve some creativity. The Makeup Mom even sent me home with some of the foundation to practice with (“Oh, LilZ…”) so I’ll get a feel for how it goes on. Since I’ll have to be at all productions with NikkiZ anyway – she has a very small role in the first act thanks to her brother’s involvement – being on the hair/makeup crew seemed the best place for me. We’ll see how much I actually learn before we decide if this is a good fit for me in the theater family. I can’t sew, work with power tools, and I know nothing about stage management or production – so this seems like a good place for a beginner to start.

So look at me! Socializing AROUND MAKEUP. Two things set so far out of my comfort zone I didn’t even know they could exist together. But here I am…branching out for LilZ and his hobby.

But also for myself. It’s never too late to challenge yourself, I’m learning. You’re never too old to learn new tricks. And maybe, if NikkiZ decides to follow in LilZ’s footsteps, this will just be part of my routine. Nothing at all stressful.

Heh. Who am I kidding? It will most surely always increase my anxiety, but at least by that time I’ll have have learned enough of the vocabulary that NikkiZ won’t have quite as many opportunities to mock me as LilZ does.

Never fear, there are plenty of other reasons I can be mocked.

That last post was a little serious and I hate leaving that tone as the first entry on my blog so I thought I’d add this cute bathtime photo of AndyZ to lighten the mood a little. Because…Come On! How hysterically adorable is that smile? It almost makes me forget he woke up at 4:20am this morning. FOR THE DAY. And it almost makes me forget that, when I got him out of his crib, he was soaked indicating his diaper was beyond full. And it almost makes me forget that I was too tired to change him so I just put him on my lap (soaked in urine) and fed him his morning yogurt while I drank some coffee to wake up a bit. Evidently Exhausted Zoot does not mind the smell of urine as much as Well-Rested Zoot does.