BACK OFF KID…I KNOW YOUR TRICKS.

But lately, man…he has had some great hysterical moments of cuteness. I wanted to try to document them for posterity and to share them with you so that you can see what I’m dealing with over here. PURE, UNADULTERATED EVIL. Some of these statements or questions seem innocuous when you first read them, but imagine them spoken by an adorable boy with giant blue eyes and big blonde girls and you’ll see exactly what I’m dealing with over here.

• “Nikki! You are not old enough to dance sexy like that!” While watching his sister dance during GLEE. She wasn’t ‘dancing sexy’ for the record but I have gotten on her for that before.
• “We don’t say, ‘What the hell?’” At family dinner. Of course.
• “Momma, you look beautiful.”
• “Did you have a good run?” Another variation: “Did you have a good boot camp?”
• “I’ll rub your head for you…” In response to my regular headaches. His headrubs are actually quite good.
• “When I grow up, will I get boobies too?”
• “Nikki! Come see Momma’s big muscles!”
• “Momma…I don’t really like wereworlves.”
• “Can I have some privacy?” When he feels like he doesn’t really want company in the bathroom with him.

He turns four in May but lately? He has been SO MUCH BETTER. The threats of time out actually work and nip bad behavior in the bud. He apologizes for misbehaving. Reminders of, “When do you obey?” actually illicit the proper response, “First time!” followed by: ACTUALLY OBEYING. But above all else? He has gotten SO SWEET.

On top of just the improvement in behavior, he has become a snuggle bunny times A MILLION. He has always been a lover, not a hater. He wants to be held and – while mostly shy around strangers – if someone offers to hold him? He’s all theirs. He’ll let them pick him up and then he’ll snuggle with them. Which, of course, wins him the hearts of many unsuspecting women.

But lately? It’s been more than that. He just wants to LOVE on everyone. And it’s WONDERFUL. Granted – a lot of the time it’s because he doesn’t want to walk, but STILL. His new thing? “Momma, will you hold me? I’ll keep you WARM.” I’ll pick him up and he’ll wrap his arms around me SO TIGHT and keep me warm. He also wants to snuggle in bed (“I don’t need a nap, just a hug.”) and he wants to sit in my lap WHEREVER we are.

And yes…if this was all still accompanied by the dreadful “AGE THREE IS FROM THE DEVIL” behavior? It would not be as welcomed. But with this new and improved, maybe-I-won’t-sell-him behavior? I can’t get enough of it.

The best moment was yesterday. I was scrubbing the sink in his bathroom and he just came in and was talking to me. Suddenly he said, “Thank you, Momma, for cleaning our bathroom.”

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.

That’s unusual behavior in a child at ANY age. Hell…I admit to sometimes asking my husband to notice and appreciate those type of things.

In conclusion? I am in love with my child again. Not that I ever didn’t LOVE him, but sometimes – when his behavior was so awful and my patience had grown so thin – I might not have liked him all that much. But now? And I’m not even lying: I sometimes wake him up early just so I can enjoy more time with him before I go to work.

I still carry Wes around when we go places. He’ll be FOUR in May. When I make these two statements together I know how ridiculous they sound. When I see pictures of us (like the one in the paper) of me and this GIANT KID on my hip, I see how ridiculous it looks. (I have started carrying him on my back more because that looks less silly.) Yet I still do it. Partly because he’s so adorable, “Momma, will you hold me? I will keep you warm.” Partly because, I know how fast it all goes away.

E is 3 weeks away from being SEVENTEEN. That is an adult in the wizarding world, you know. He could get is apparition license. He’ll be leaving me for college soon. And yes, we all know that kids come home during the holidays and summers, but is their top priority family? Nope. It will be just like it is now. Family moments will be interspersed between moments with friends and school and other obligations. And there are many, MANY obligations. So fewer and FEWER family moments.

So I can’t help but hold on to Wes. There’s a good chance he’ll be our last kid. And as I see my oldest son enter adulthood and I spend fewer and fewer moments with him, I feel this uncontrollable urge to hang on to Wes for dear life. E is my constant reminder to SAVOR EVERY MOMENT because those moments will be gone before you know it. It’s not that I want to carry E around everywhere , but I miss those moments and I know that when they’re gone with Wes – when he stops asking to be held – my heart will be quite sad.

Also…it gives me one hell of a left bicep. Which allows me to do this awesomeness which that adult child of mine filmed yesterday.

(I really just wanted an excuse to show off this video! Hence the final bicep comment. I’m trying for cohesive bragging here, people. )

On one of my many entries recently ranting about the evilness of my children (So sorry about the frequency of those rants, by the way, I try not to be the Snarky Anti-Mom so much) someone very kindly said that maybe the kids were acting out because they weren’t getting enough time with me.

Insert Kim’s Proud Mental Response Here: WELL! I DECLARE! I do NOT like the implications of that! What a horrible thing to say! I am a GREAT Mother who gives my children PLENTY of time! TAKE THOSE WORDS BACK!

But you know what? When I shelved my ego and pride for a minute and looked back at my life rationally I thought: She might be right.

I am busy. So, I can’t give the kids more time. That’s just my life. BUT…I thought: Let’s make those minutes be worth more than their actual value on the clock.

I spent the last several days trying to do more with the minutes I was with the kids. Now, sometimes I can only do so much because if I’m with the kids and we’re at home, there’s also laundry that needs to be done and dishes and baking and…what’s that holiday coming up in six days? OH YEAH. Christmas.

But I made a deliberate effort to put more attention and affection into those moments. I started more conversations. I gave them more spontaneous snuggles. I squeezed in bedtime stories which I had gotten out of the habit of doing. (I KNOW! HORRIBLE!) And you know what?

They’re still just as evil.

BUT! They’re not, really. They still got in quite a bit of trouble, but I felt like the mindless tantrums just disappeared. When I got onto them they took their discipline and then got back into the swing of the day instead of pitching a fit and turning one quick 5-minute time-out into an hour of fist banging and screaming. They also seem to be sweeter, giving me spontaneous, “I love you”s and warm embraces on a whim.

So, yeah. I’m glad I shelved the giant ego I have and the pride of, “I AM AWESOME. LEAVE ME ALONE.” to hear a very good and kind suggestion. Stop. Take a breath. And maybe sometimes it’s good to realize that you COULD be doing better and that sometimes, doing better? Makes your life EASIER. Because, let’s be honest, in a battle between Super Awesome Proud Mom and Super Lazy Shortcut Mom? Lazy Mom will always win out. So, once I shut the pride up and realized the comment might have a point? Lazy Mom got ALL of the benefits!

We need to have a talk. There have been a few incidents of misbehavior lately from you both that I’ve gotten really angry about. I’ve even yelled on occasion, and I really try to save that move for really bad things. I’ve put you in time out, I’ve taken away movies, the last few months have been a discipline smorgasbord around here. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t remember what priveledges you still have from one day to the next. Are you allowed to have gum? Watch ‘Thundercats’? Wear cute clothes? (Probably the most cruel punishment in your eyes, Nikki.) Basically, I feel like I’m losing control of you two and I’ve started having nightmares that involve you strapping me down with power cords so that you can be free to use the refrigerator as a jungle gym.

I thought I’d try something new. A sternly worded letter spelling out the rules that we really thought had been obvious up until now. Maybe you just need a reminder in written form to keep what we call “common sense” from escaping your memory.

• The kitchen cabinets do not have shelves to facilitate your climbing to the top of the counters. On the same note: The doors to the cabinets are also not really skinny stairs. We’ve never allowed you all to climb on the counters before, but lately we’ve caught you (and your rather large bodies where our fragile cabinets are concerned) using various methods of Cabinet Climbing to get to the counter tops. Why you want up there, we have no idea. At first we thought you wanted snacks, thinking we had better ones hidden up top where you couldn’t see. But with you’re latest trend of sociopathic behavior, I’m now wondering if maybe you were looking for something more sinister. Like Knives. Or Spray Pam.
• On another climbing note: Ask for help getting something from the top shelf of the fridge. The lower shelves of our refrigerator will not accommodate you climbing on them to reach the Orange Juice. Also? The Orange Juice is too heavy and if you were actually going to survive the climb to get to it, you would probably drop it on your head. I find myself increasingly concerned that I have to remind you of such things as I would have thought you were old enough that they would just fall under: Basic Survival Knowledge. Obviously, you’ve never heard of the Darwin Effect.
• Power Cords Are Dangerous. I mean, this one I know we’ve driven home for years but lately? It seems you’ve forgotten. I keep catching you plugging and unplugging things like it’s some sort of fun puzzle and every time it gives me a heart attack. But not as much as last week when I discovered that you – Wes – had CUT THROUGH THE CORD OF A HEATING PAD WHILE IT WAS PLUGGED IN. I have no idea if you were shocked or not, but if you were you don’t remember it because you acted like it was no big deal. It seems like something must have happened as the halves of the cord had black scorch marks. I’m not even sure where you found the scissors you used as we try to keep them hidden lately. Which brings me to…
• STAY AWAY FROM THE SCISSORS ALREADY. Jeez, guys. I used to let you use your safety scissors for arts and crafts but we’ve had so many incidents lately where important things have been cut: Photographs, Bills, Hair — that I had to take them all away from you. I’m not sure how you can unlearn so many things, but Allowable Materials To Be Cut was evidently the first bit of knowledge that escaped you in the latest stretch of disobedience.
• Furniture is not to be colored on. Seriously? These are the types of lessons we thought we had cemented into your brains ages ago. But the arm of our couch and the masterpiece etched on it BEG TO DIFFER. You are both basically restricted to using crayons downstairs on the kitchen table. We don’t let you color anywhere else in the house for fear of inspiration hitting you in your surroundings. I mean, logically you KNOW that the chest of drawers is not your canvas, but something seems to inspire you during your creative moments and you think: Stars! That piece of furniture needs STARS on it! I’d like those kind of decisions to be left to me, thank you very much.
• No punching me in the boob. I mean – really? Do I REALLY need to remind you of this rule? WE HAVE NEVER ALLOWED BOOB PUNCHING IN ANY FORM!

I really thought all of these “rules” were things that had been permanently engraved in the Common Sense part of your little brains. It seems I was mistaken as your behavior lately indicates they were written, in pencil, somewhere in the Shorterm Memory part of your brain. I’m just hoping some of the other obvious and even MORE important things like “Do Not Play With Fire” or “Do Not Delete Anything From The DVR” are etched more permanently somewhere.

I decided to set it up last Friday so that I could talk to the kids about it before the babysitter came over for Donnie and I to grab some dinner. Nikki was IN AWE. She listened to the story and immediately started talking to Fifi (that’s what they named him) and being on her BEST behavior.

Wes was not so inspired.

He kept trying to touch the Elf which – as you may or may not know – causes him to lose his magic so he can’t get back to Santa. Luckily, I had placed the Elf inside a cup so I could just move the cup without touching the Fifi. I moved him to a higher shelf as Nikki watched – TERRIFIED I was going to slip and touch the thing.

Well, Donnie and I went to dinner and the babysitter was asked to read the story about the Elf OVER and OVER again. HOWEVER, while I explained to her about the Elf before I left, I didn’t tell her about how I skipped over the line about the kids needing to “Say your prayers” in the book. You know, because I knew Nikki would be like, “WHAT?!” and immediately freak out because she doesn’t say prayers.

Lauren, our sitter, read that part and Nikki did exactly what I though she would. She freaked, dropped to her knees and immediately started “praying”. How many other kids has Santa inspired to be religious?

Anyway, no big deal, my daughter prays. How or for what? Eh. I’m not concerned. We talk about religion all the time so she knows how I feel and she knows I don’t pray but don’t have a problem with people who do. ESPECIALLY IF SANTA WANTS THEM TO!

Little did I know this would not be the greatest drama to come out of the damn Elf.

We got home and I immediately went to take Lauren home. I called Donnie after she told me the Nikki Praying story and I could immediately hearing Nikki crying in the background.

What’s going on?
WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THE STUPID RULES FOR THIS STUPID ELF?
Huh? What happened?
I TOUCHED IT AND NIKKI IS FREAKING OUT AND CRYING BECAUSE SHE THINKS I BROKE HIS MAGIC! I tried to explain it doesn’t count for adults but she doesn’t believe me because YOU evidently acted like it COUNTED. She said you wouldn’t touch it so it would have REALLY BEEN NICE if you had told me this before I SCARRED HER FOR LIFE!
Let me talk to her.

I basically told her that I didn’t know if the Elf’s magic was gone or not. “Daddy said he didn’t feel a shock or anything when he touched him…so maybe the magic is still there?” Sure, that sounds right. I assured her that that Santa was understanding and probably knows that Daddy didn’t know the rules yet. I told her I really hoped he did but that we would know for sure when we woke up in the morning because if the Elf had moved? It meant his magic was still intact.

And if he didn’t? It meant that Mommy forgot to move him.

I woke her up as she asked at 5am before I went to go run and told her, “He moved!” and then she went back to sleep, peacefully at last.

Donnie, on the other hand, has been in a catatonic state for five days now. The trauma of almost ruining the magic of Santa has he mumbling in the corner and flinching at the sound of Christmas music.

This week he colored on the floor at school during naptime. How he ended up with a crayon at naptime, I can only imagine. I guess it involved sneaking it into a pocket after centers to be used at a later…more evil time. Either way, I had to have a long, nagging talk with him about this thing he did that he KNEW WAS WRONG.

I told him I wanted him to apologize to his teacher when he got to school Tuesday morning. I told him he needed to never do that again because he is old enough to know better. I did the whole, “If you want big boy privileges like watching Power Rangers and taking the car out with your friends…then you have to act like a big boy by following the rules you already know.” And then we hugged and cuddled a bit.

Donnie called me yesterday after drop-off and said, “I am so proud of Wesley!” Considering most of our conversations lately about Wes have revolved around deciding who is going to clean up the mess his actions left behind, this was a nice surprise. Turns out? Wes walked into his classroom, without a reminder from Donnie, and went directly to his teacher and apologized for coloring on the floor. So, not only did he remember what I asked him to do, but he actually did it without prompting.

So…age 3 can be summed up like this: Your child will put you one step towards WE ARE NEVER HAVING ANY MORE CHILDREN and then turn around and do something that makes you say, “MORE! I want more perfect little angels!” Of course, you don’t find yourself lingering there long before you put on your shoes on, only to slice your foot on the Captain American figurine crammed inside…but it’s still enough of a relief to keep you from locking them up in the dog crate for a year.

I’ve been trying to force myself to take the kids on ONE outing every weekend. Our lives are crazy with theater, soccer, running, parties, trips, and work – and we often can go several days without having quality time together. It’s either rushing to get ready for school in the morning, or rushing to get ready for bed in the evening. Some weeks we do this FOUR DAYS IN A ROW. It’s been insane. To say the least.

So I’m trying to get out with them on the weekends. At least one trip. SOMEWHERE. Where we just play or hang out, depending on the activity. This forces me to focus on them, which I often don’t do during the week when I’m going from work to theater meetings to running groups, ALL IN ONE NIGHT.

Last weekend we went to Green Mountain. There was nothing going on up there (sometimes I try to coordinate with local events) we just went and walked and played and took pictures. And it gave me the time with them I needed to push aside the guilt for missing them so much lately. It also gives me a type of downtime where I get to do something lighthearted and fun to ease my stress. WIN/WIN!

I can’t do this at home like Donnie can. He can have a movie night with the kids and get the same thing. However, I can’t turn off the part of my brain that makes me do laundry or send emails while I’m watching a movie. I have to get out of the house for my downtime with the kids. Or else it’s not me and the kids, it’s me and the laundry, and the dishes, and the emails, and the…you get the point.

What about you? Do you schedule concrete Parent/Kid time amidst the chaos of your life? Can you do it at home or do you have to go out like I do?

I’ve spent some time thinking about it, because I do still have Mommy Guilt when I don’t get to put the kids to bed, or when I miss a soccer game. But it’s not severe enough to keep me from doing whatever is on tap for that particular night. I think I’ve figured out some of it.

It’s a little bit like when I used to smoke when E was little. I would say to myself, “I’m doing all of these things that inconvenience me – FOR MY KID – but I can’t quit the one thing I NEED to do.” Somehow, no matter how powerful the Mommy Guilt was in other areas, it wasn’t enough to keep me from smoking. I did quit – eventually – but it wasn’t the Mommy Guilt that did it.

I think that somewhere along the way, I have found myself in a situation where things like Book Club, and Running, and Theatre – they are things I like too much to quit. Like smoking. Or maybe, in another Mom’s case, drinking. Or eating donuts. There are things we know we shouldn’t do as Moms but we like it SO MUCH it has no power over the Mommy Guilt that should make us quit.

In this particular situation – however – the stuff isn’t bad for me. So I’ve found a good balance that lets me enjoy those things I really love, but I don’t feel guilty about it.

Now, how I got here? I have no idea. I wish I could give you a quick fix that would allow you to get over your guilt and sometimes do stuff for YOU. But I think it started, for me, with E’s theatre program. I didn’t feel a lot of guilt ditching the family to do stuff for his program because I was still doing Mom Stuff. And I was doing it for the kid who often gets neglected. Once I got out of the house repeatedly, leaving the kids with D, I realized it’s not all bad. Sometimes you get to hang out with adults and not worry about dirty diapers or bedtimes.

I was able to get a taste of the OTHER SIDE without feeling the guilt because the OTHER SIDE was still a parental function. SCORE ONE FOR KIDS ELEVEN to THIRTEEN YEARS APART!

I think tackling the guilt to do those type of things for E, is what opened me up more to things like book club and running classes. Also – with the running classes? Donnie is TOTALLY supportive. He did a couple of tri classes and loved them so he loves me coming home and talking about hill runs, or repeats and things. Because he obviously enjoys me doing the class, it removes almost all of the Wife Guilt from making him a single parent periodically.

None of this will probably help you because so many things are unique about my situation. BUT – maybe it will give you a glimpse so you can find the same release in your life. Because – I remember the guilt keeping me away from things. And let me tell you – I really think life is better on this side of it. Not only because I get to be something other than a Mom or a Wife sometimes, but because my parental obligations feel less of a burden as they’re more shared. I don’t get as bitter with Donnie when he does stuff away from the house like I used to. It just feels easier when I can depend on my husband without the voices in my head saying, “You’re an awful Mom! You’re an awful Wife!”

I wish I could give you an easy fix to shut your voices up, but just know it’s possible. And you deserve life without those voices. You’re super awesome. You know that, right?

I got along really well with my brother when we were younger. I mean, we had our sibling squables, don’t get me wrong, but for the most part we really liked each other. I mean, I think it says something that he never tried to kill me in my sleep after making him wear MC Hammer pants to school.

I’m pleased to report that Nikki and Wes seem to really like each other. They like to play together, they give each other spontaneous hugs, and they work on projects together with minimal conflict. They find each other after school and talk across the fence in their different play areas and they are sincerely happy when they end up in being put in the same classroom towards the end of the day when they’re at school late.

I have no idea how this happened, but I adore it with every ounce of my soul. They are the same age difference as my brother and I, although they’ll be one year closer in school due to the way their birthdays fall. I want to encourage their closeness so they’ll have that to depend on throughout their lives, but since I have no idea how they got so close to begin with, it’s hard to determine how to foster it.

I don’t really let them fight. If they start, I either separate them or make them work it out. I don’t let them talk any rudely to each other than I would allow them to talk to us. I give them ways to keep their favorite toys to themselves, but I make them share most of everything.

Are your kids close? Were you close with your siblings? Do you think it’s just a personality thing, some kids will be close and others won’t, or is it something we can help build as parents? Did I do something right or am I just lucky?