MrZ called me after picking up NikkiZ yesterday and said,

“They’re having their Halloween parade tomorrow at school.”

Huh? Halloween parade on September 28th?

“Um. That doesn’t make sense. Halloween is a month away.”
“Well. It says there is a parade and she has to wear yellow, black, and green.”

Huh? Halloween is orange and black. And why can’t they wear costumes this year?

“Um. That doesn’t make sense either. I’m calling the school.”

I called the school and had the following conversation:
Me: Hi! My husband said you’re having a parade tomorrow and I’m wondering what that’s about.
Her: What class is your child in?
Me: Toddlers.
Her: Well, they’re in charge of makeup for the parade. So, they wear yellow, black, or green.

HUH? They’re letting toddlers do the makeup for a parade? What type of vendetta do they have against the other participants? I’ve seen NikkiZ do makeup. It’s not pretty.

Me: Um. I don’t think I understand how yellow, black, or green fits into that…
Her: Well. It’s world culture day. My class, for example, is in charge of Ireland. So, they’re wearing green and gold.
Me: Oh…

Oh! Countries. What country sounds like “Makeup” and would be associated with yellow, black and green? Oh! I know!

Me: Oh! So, they’re wearing those colors because the Jamaican flag has those colors.
Her: Yes! Exactly!
Me: Sorry, I’m a little slow. I get it now. Thanks.

All of my life I’ve found a sense of pride in the fact that I don’t carry an umbrella. Rain has rarely ever bothered me. My hair goes back easily, I rarely wear makeup, and my clothes aren’t fancy enough that a little water could hurt them. I just walk through the rain and feel liberated that I don’t have to worry about a cumbersome umbrella. I almost feel proud to walk out into the rain instead of waiting for it to lighten up. I feel like I’m saying, “NOTHING will stop me from getting to my car! I’m a REAL woman!”

Do you know what I realized today? That other people probably don’t look at me as “liberated” - they probably look at me as “stupid” or “foolish” or possibly “a little off in the head.” I mean, what I see as a carefree approach to life, they probably see as just a sign I’m forgetful. They don’t know I never carry an umbrella, they probably just think I forgot one today. They don’t know I’m intentionally getting wet, they probably think I don’t want to be, but have no choice. And if they knew I was intentionally walking through the rain without an umbrella - would that really be any better? Would they then just think I’m an idiot who’s going to be cold when she sits down at her desk in the air-conditioned office later?

Yeah. It sucks to realize what the rest of the world has probably known all along: I’m dumb. And wet.

It seems like I’ve been writing a lot lately about the moronic things I do in my life. I’m starting to wonder if I should start examining the cause of these things, like maybe I should stop drinking margaritas for breakfast.

I’m going somewhere a wee fancy this afternoon and I really really wanted to bring my makeup to the office so I could put it on before heading out to this fancy place. My makeup bag has like three items in it: foundation (which I used to call “base”), powder, and mascara. And also a beer bottle top, but that’s neither here nor there.

I could have put the makeup on before I left the house, but I’m lazy and would rather do it at the last minute. I ran around the house frantically yelling, “WHERE IS MY MAKEUP?” for a good 20 minutes this morning before giving up and leaving for work without it. I looked everywhere, in Nikki’s toy box, in the closet, in the kitchen - EVERYWHERE. It was no where to be found.

I just went to get my tuna out of my bag for lunch - and there was the makeup. In my lunch bag. Which makes no sense whatsoever. Did I put it there? Probably. Do I remember doing that? No. Do I know why I would ever think that was a logical place to put it? No. I have no idea why I would have done it. But it doesn’t surprise me at all because that’s the kind of shit I do. I thought I lost my camera, remember, and it was in my shoe. OF COURSE IT WAS.

One of these days I’m going to find out someone was lacing my morning coffee with THC everyday. It’s the only explanation for the weird shit my brain makes me do.

Keep in mind - all five things happened in the last few weeks. (This is part of a writing project mentioned here.)

1. I was driving home the other day and I started to hear a strange rattling noise in my car. I got very freaked out, turned down the radio, and listened to the deep buzzing sound coming from my dash. Do I have a flat tire? Is there an animal trapped under my hood? Is my engine about to blow up? I suddenly realized it stopped. And then started again. And then stopped. Very rhythmic. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? And then I saw: My phone, on vibrate, sitting on the console.
2. I preheated the oven to back chicken the other night. I walked away and came back several minutes later and the light was still on. I walked away and came back and the light was STILL on. I was all, “What the Hell” until I realized I had accidentally turned on the stove eye, not the oven. Duh. So I turned off the stove eye and walked away. I came back and saw the light off. I put the chicken in the oven, and set the timer. The timer went off so I got the chicken out of the oven. The chicken was still cold. I had never even turned the oven on. Not only that - but I never even noticed it wasn’t hot when I put the chicken in the oven.
3. I freaked out because I thought my small purse camera had been stolen. (Although I admit - there was a small part of me that knew I’d done something stupid with it.) I called the hotel in Nashville, I went through every seem of every bag we took on the trip. I even look in NikkiZ’s toybox in case she took it and hid it. It was later found. In my running shoe. Where I then remembered putting it to protect it from getting bounced around.
4. I tried to pay for my breakfast the other day with a gift card from the photo lab at Target. I was obviously not eating at the photo lab at Target. I was eating at Breugger’s. It doesn’t look anything like a Breugger’s gift card. No where close. I swiped it twice before I realized it, but not before I said, “I think your machine is broken. Can you swipe it on the register?”
5. I tried to clean my bathroom mirror with my scenting spritzer from Bath and Body Works. This tells you two things: 1) I don’t spritz often and 2) I don’t clean my mirror often.

My friend Stace and I were talking the other night about moments in our lives as adults when we’ve felt stupid. Either by allowing words to come out of our mouths before we could stop them (like the time I exclaimed, “New Orleans is a big state!”) or the times the words the come out of our mouths are mispronounced and someone points it out to us. Or my favorite, times when I use the wrong word entirely and don’t even realize it.

I do shit like this all the time, and I feel like it has made me quite the expert in the proper way to correct someone if you notice they make a mistake. I think that most of the times I’ve felt stupid in my adult life is when another adult corrects me using a bad technique that bruises my fragile ego. Like the time my husband, bless his heart, chose laughter as a way of alerting me to an error. LAUGHTER IS NEVER A GOOD CHOICE. Other things you should NOT do: Guffaw, Roll your eyes, or sigh dramatically.

We were discussing this because our kids come home once in awhile upset over feeling stupid about something. Saying or doing something that made them feel like someone was laughing at them. I’m not sure if it makes them feel better or worse when we share our own stories of humiliation. I think they feel better knowing that we lived past our incidents but they also get depressed realizing that being an adult doesn’t automatically make you smart.

But I sure do wish it did…

So, what are some of your “stupid” moments as an adult? I actually asked one time in a class in college if Canada was considered a country. In my defense…I don’t think I have a defense. I also failed a pop-quiz US Map test one time. I majored in Geography because it was a weak point in my life, not because I had any natural skill. I’ve also use several words incorrectly and had it pointed out to me in good ways (”Let’s look up the word together!”) and bad ways (”HAHAHAHAHAHA”). Among them: Literally, Ironically (I think I still use that word wrong), Oriental, and Assure. I often times also mix words up: Rapport and Repertoire, Eclectic and Eccentric being the most common. In general? I’m just a verbal dumbass.