I’ve reference my stress-eating a lot around here. However, I had a revelation last night. It’s not stress exactly. I was thinking about show weeks of ‘Beauty and the Beast’ last night as I was stress eating. Those weeks were TOTALLY STRESSFUL but I wasn’t binging every night. It was controlled stress. As in, there was a HUGE amount of things that had to be done, but it was just a lot of stuff to be done. Not actually ‘stressful’ in terms of binge eating triggers.

Last night, on the other hand, no where near as stressful as show week. BUT I BINGED. Because I was OVERWHELMED. I was just staring at all of the things I need to address in the next few weeks and I was at a loss as to what to do first. So instead of trying to sort through it all to find a good starting point? I ATE. A LOT.

And the more I thought about it (as I was eating) I noted that this is actually quite common. The “OH MY GOD I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO AND DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START” eating frenzy. It’s happened before on days when my house is disgusting all over and I don’t know what to clean first…When I have loads of errands to run and I don’t know where to start…When I have 100 million emails to send and can’t figure out how to tackle the list. Whenever I have a LOT to do with no CHRONOLOGY to the tasks…THAT is when I go KRAZEE IN THE KITCHEN!

So I figured it out! I know the more specific trigger for my eating frenzy! BEING OVERWHELMED! A LOT TO DO WITHOUT A STARTING POINT! YAY!

Now…how to tackle it in a way that does NOT involved 3+ peanut-butter bagel sandwiches at 10pm. (Sidenote: THREE peanut butter sandwiches before made makes you wake up VERY SWOLLEN, in case you’re curious.)

I actually did really well eating on our trip. Traveling is one of those stimuli that tend to make people struggling with weight loss or health lose all willpower. New irresistible food! Difficulty find means to exercise! Busy schedules! All of these things combine to make it very difficult to stay on any healthy path while you’re on the road.

BUT I DID IT! I ate well! I ran both mornings!

But then, ON THE WAY HOME, we stopped at Applebee’s. And let me tell you something I did not know about Applebee’s until yesterday as we never eat there. THEY HAVE THE BEST FRENCH FRIES IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.

Now, I didn’t order any, of course. But the kids did. And they sent some to Donnie even though he didn’t order any. So I was surrounded by one of my most tempting foods and I JUST COULDN’T RESIST. I basically ate all of the french fries on both the kids plates because they didn’t want them.

And let’s just say – the day went downhill from there.

There are two things I fight against: 1) My addiction to the act of eating itself and 2) Stress eating. And when I finally got home yesterday? It was like I walked into a wall of stress. All of the things I had been telling myself I’d deal with AFTER this trip were just waiting for me at home and I panicked and continuing the bad eating habits for the rest of the evening.

In other words? YAY! FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR WHILE TRAVELING! BOO! FOR RUINING IT ALL THE SECOND I GOT HOME!

Luckily, I live a fit lifestyle now that allows me to have bad days without gaining weight. As long as it stays to ONE DAY. And that’s where the “Addicted To Eating” hurdle comes into play. For those of you – like me – who feel addicted to the act of eating, you know it’s like any addictive behavior. You fall off the wagon one day and it’s hard to get back on.

So today is the key day. The thing I’ve been working for this whole year. Retraining myself so that having a bad day doesn’t lead to a bad week…month…and then year. Someone with a healthy relationship with food and eating has a bad day and then follows it with a good day and never flinches. I don’t think I’m 100% there yet, but if I’ve learned anything this year as I’ve turned myself into a new person in the Fitness Department – it’s that I’m a lot stronger than I ever realized.

So yesterday can just stay there. One bad day. And today can be separate. A good day. And I will take away a new lesson: NEVER EVER EAT EVEN ONE APPLEBEE’S FRENCH FRY EVER AGAIN.

Because there are limits to my strength.

I hate this because the last thing I need 9 days out from my half-marathon is to put on 5lbs of stress weight. Yet here I am, 3lbs up and working my way to the final 2lbs one Nutter Butter at a time.

It sucks because over the last week or so I’ve had several ego-boosting things happen. My husband bragged about me to a triathlon friend; which is the BEST COMPLIMENT EVER. It takes a lot to impress my husband so knowing he bragged on me to someone he trains with? OH MY GOD. I about died.

I’ve also had several boot camp buddies and running buddies give me ego boosts by complimenting me on my fitness level. All of these things normal keep me going in the right direction, but with this crazy stress on top of it all? They just make me depressed on top of stressed and I find myself opening a bag of shredded cheese (WHAT? I told you I’ll binge on anything.) at the open fridge and cramming handfuls in my mouthing thinking I’m not awesome at anything but eating!

Yes. I know. I need help.

But it’s over today! Tonight the performance and dinner will go on with or without my sanity! So I’m hoping today will be a better day. It has to be, I think the only thing left in the fridge for me to eat is a jar of jelly. And while I’ve been known in desperate times to break out a spoon over a jar of blackberry preserves, I don’t think grape jelly is as appealing.

This is why I’m dead serious when I say: I NEED MY SLEEP.

I know women who do it all and when you ask them how they say, “I don’t sleep.”

I HATE THOSE WOMEN.

Okay, not HATE. But – I’m very jealous they have that as an option, because I do not. I had a rough week last week, not getting to bed as early as I’d like. Mainly because these evening runs keep me wired too late, but that’s beside the point. I didn’t get enough sleep last week, so I tried to catch up Saturday night and Sunday night. Well, it obviously didn’t work because all day yesterday I was in EXHAUSTION HEADACHE HELL.

My exhaustion headaches are a lot like the headaches I get when I’m trying to give up caffeine. (The times in my life when I’m obviously GOING CRAZY.) They affect my vision and my moods. And if that’s NOT ENOUGH to convince me to prioritize sleep above all else – I learned another down side to sleep deprivation last night.

Evidently I eat when I’m exhausted.

I’ve been doing much better with the anxiety eating at night thing, I’ve even dropped a pound or two. However, it turns out that I have the same reaction when I’m tired.

THIS – my friends – is why a lot of losing weight is as much emotional as it is physical.

I was so tired last night, and the headache was killing me, so I found myself CONSTANTLY eating until I could finally go to bed. I mean, I think I ingested about 3000 calories just last night between the time I got home and the time I went to bed. THAT’S A LOT OF EATING.

So…when you read those articles that say a huge key to losing weight is sleep? BELIEVE THEM.

I already feel better this morning. I guess it takes me 3 nights of good sleep to recover from 5 of not-ideal sleep. And that third day before I’m officially caught up? IS AN UGLY DAY full of headaches and bags of melting chocolate chips. (What? We don’t keep a lot of junk food in our house! I WAS DESPERATE.)

It’s funny how your body changes when you get older. I don’t think I had the mental stamina to run 14 miles in my 20s, but I could definitely survive on no sleep no problem. Now…I can run 14 miles but if I get less than 7 hours sleep several nights in a row? I’M A MESS.

What about you? Do you have the luxury of being able to live without sleep? Do you have trouble getting to sleep after exercise? Have you found a cure for that? Because, I don’t have one. I’ve dealt with not being able to sleep in my whole life. I wake up naturally at 4am, no problem. But this Not Be Able To Get To Sleep thing? Is new. I used to be able to just get in bed and crash when I wanted, but now that I’m running at night? Not so much. Any advice? And should I just lock the cabinets after night two of not sleeping well?

You know how I started finally losing some weight when I approached my eating/binging like I did when I quit smoking a million years ago? Well. Let’s just say I stopped by the store on the way home from work and bought a pack of smokes.

NOT REALLY. Figuratively. As it relates to my eating habits.

And for anyone who has tried to quit an addictive behavior, you know how HARD it is to get back ON the wagon once you’ve fallen off. Therefore, after that first binge? Many. MANY more followed and it’s taken me just over one week to put back on a chunk of that weight.

Because, you know the drill, you have one binge day where you eat SIX Cadbury Creme Eggs before bed. (Don’t Ask.) And then the next day you’re tired and you feel gross because you binged so how do you cope with that exhaustion and depression? Well…with EATING of course. Because we wouldn’t be eating six Cadbury Creme Eggs if we had a healthy relationship with food now, would we?

This is my issue. It’s not as much about weight or loving my body or fitness. It’s the simple fact that I KNOW I have an unhealthy relationship with food. Yes. I’m fit. Yes. I can fix myself up nice and not stress about the extra 30lbs I have to lose. Yes. I can be happy with how I look. (Sometimes.) But still…I know I have an unhealthy relationship with food. If I ate normal every day and this is still the body I had? I wouldn’t fight with it so much. I’d learn to love it.

BUT…I see those extra 30lbs and I see the 6 Cadbury Creme Eggs I ate when I wasn’t even hungry. I ate them because I was tired. Or stressed. Or both. I think about the 2 late night Peanut Butter and Honey Sandwiches I ate or the Bedtime Bowl of Cereal. I think about all of the eating that I do – not because I’m hungry or even because I just love the food that much (Although I do love me some Cadbury Creme Eggs.) – I eat the food because I haven’t figure out how NOT to eat the food.

I did great for a month or so. But as with any addictive behavior, falling off the wagon can totally undo work you’ve done in the past. I haven’t been able to even find it in me to NOT binge every night because I feel like in this short time since I’ve given up, I’ve forgotten how I coped before.

So I have to start over again. ALL OVER. And if you’ve ever quit smoking (or any other addictive behavior) you know what I know: That first week SUCKS. And that second week only sucks SLIGHTLY LESS. Giving up my coping mechanism ALL OVER AGAIN is going to suck ALL OVER AGAIN.

And I find myself wanting to punch myself in the face for ever even buying those stupid eggs. WHY DID I?

I don’t know. I guess if I knew, I wouldn’t be writing this, now would I?

It doesn’t help that my Lenten goals have totally fallen to the wayside in my despair of binge-eating. As have any other personal goals. That’s the problem with emotional eating…you create this downward spiral for yourself. You get sad, so you eat. The eating makes you feel better for a few minutes. Then you are sad BECAUSE you ate. So you eat more. Then all of the other goals/dreams for the day just get lost in piles of candy wrappers and dirty dishes.

It’s horribly depressing. Let me take a break writing while I go make a pan of brownies.

(For the record? I tried to make a pan of brownies last night before bed but we were out of eggs. CURSES.)

The thing is, I’ve been wanting to write about this for a few days as I’ve felt myself falling back down the pit of weight gain. Writing always helps. BUT I’M SO EMBARRASSED. Being over weight is embarrassing enough, but losing some of the weight, having people notice, and then gaining it back? SUCKS THE WORST OF ALL.

But…I’m still falling down the spiral. And you all have caught me before so I’m going to just let you catch me again.

I haven’t gained back all of the weight. I had lost 15lbs at the best count, and I think I’ve gained back 8 of that. I don’t want to step on the scale for that final depressing tally, so I’m just going to assume it’s 8 and get back on track today. I have to be assessed in ONE WEEK for boot camp and as it is right now, I’m not going to do it. I won’t let myself get assessed until I know I’m at least 15lbs below where I was the day I started, and since I managed to GAIN weight after I started, then that puts me at quite a big chunk left to go. BUT…I’m not going to think about that. I’m not going to think about the POUNDS I’m trying to lose. I’m going to focus on my PSYCHOTIC eating habits.

Stop eating when you aren’t hungry. That’s my mantra. I need to say it a million times a day. I’ve been kicking ass in boot camp, I’m training for a 10K, I’m learning to cook fresh vegetables and whole grains. Why do I need to undo all of that hard work with late night sandwiches and Easter Candy? WHY?

I don’t know why. That’s the problem. I just know that I do. And before I gain back the rest of the weight I’ve worked hard to lose, I need to just STOP IT ALREADY.

So…we’ll see how I feel in a week. I still may get assessed just because I know there have been changes in my body since I started boot camp, and it would be nice to get a real MONTHLY assessment next month, to see changes in a month, but right now? I’m too depressed. I hate myself for undoing all of that hard work.

Here’s a pop quiz to all of you binge-eaters out there: When you hate yourself, where do you turn? FOOD.

GAWD. This is why fighting emotional eating is SO HARD. Because when you fail, you get emotional, SO YOU EAT. It’s this horrible cycle that leads to gaining 5lbs in one week. And while some of you may think that’s water weight or bloat, let me remind you: SIX CADBURY CREME EGGS AS A SNACK BEFORE BED. That’s the kind of decision that can EASILY lead to 5lbs in one week. TRUST ME. This is not my first rodeo.

So…back on the wagon. AGAIN. Again. I feel like I’ve said that so many times, yet here I am. Saying it again. And I have to remind myself that during the 12+ years I smoked, I “quit” at least 20 times. And if alcoholics all quit successfully the first time, there wouldn’t be groups like AA or even NA for narcotic addicts. Anyone with an unhealthy habit they are trying to stop knows how easy it is to fall off. Which is why we feel all the more stupid when we do.

Stupid me. Off the wagon. AGAIN. Stupid me. Trying to get back on. AGAIN.

Yet here I am. Hoping, like we all do, that this is the last time I write about gaining/losing those damn 8lbs. Because we all also know success stories. Stories of people who finally quit smoking/drinking/lost the weight. We know people who have stumbled out of the wagon, but stayed on long enough to make real changes in their life…eventually. THOSE people give us hope. So I get back in and hope to one day be one of those people. Who write about how hard the journey was, and how proud I am for not giving up. Because I’m sick of linking back to the same entries, I want to link back to the one that says, “I did it.”

But let me just say: EASTER IS EVIL. I wonder if my downward spiral wouldn’t have been so extreme if I didn’t have to look at my FAVORITE CANDY IN THE WORLD every time I went to the grocery store. DAMN YOU, EASTER CANDY.

That means, after almost 3 years, I’m finally about half a pound below the lowest point in that range. I’ve been losing the same 10+ pounds for almost 3 years. And today, I’m finally starting to lose NEW weight. This is a HUGE moment for me. I’m so sick of those 10+ pounds. I’ve seen each number between them on the scale dozens of times. Sometimes it’s, “Yay!” because I’m finally losing weight, other times it’s “No!” because I’m gaining again. Either way, I’ve seen each of those numbers several times since Wes was born.

Today’s number? A NEW number. A number I haven’t seen since somewhere during the first trimester I was pregnant with Wes.

I really think that treating my eating like an addiction has changed me. I no longer dream about binge days. Whereas, I used to look at them as rewards for successful weightloss. Now I know that I can’t let myself binge ever again. It is essentially falling off the wagon. Will it happen? Probably. It did last week. But when it happens now, I treat it like I would any stumble in a battle with an addiction. Something I need to avoid with every ounce of power I have because it can so easily lead to the downward spiral to rock bottom. Where I gain all of that weight back again. That’s why I kept gaining/losing the same 11 pounds. When I would binge? I wouldn’t take it as seriously as I needed to and it would lead me back down my path of addiction.

12 pounds. Finally past that mark. And I’m hoping, like with all of the other marks along the way, this will be the last time I see it. I feel like my approach is different. It’s harder, that’s for sure, I’m learning to deal with stress/anxiety in new ways. And often they don’t work. But the approach is right, I can tell. Some days it feels impossible, but I know this feeling. It was the same when I quit smoking. Every day I deal with that day, not the day before or the day after, THAT DAY. And I question every bite of food. Is this my emotional crutch or is this to nourish my body? One bite at a time, One day at a time.

And today, finally, I feel like it’s worth it. And to celebrate? DONUTS!

JUST KIDDING. Jeez.

Needless to say? I stopped using alarms.

I haven’t used an alarm regularly in years. I’ll set one as backup sometimes, but I rarely (never) need it. And these last two weeks when I’ve been getting up in time for 5:30 a.m. bootcamp? No exception. I got up the first two days at 4 a.m., not really sure how much time I’d need to get going and ready for exercise. After two days I decided I could push it to 4:20 a.m. I’ve not used an alarm any day, but I’ve woken up spot-on-time. Even this morning, when I’m so very tired, my body woke me up on in time. Not too early, even. Just ON TIME. Exactly.

It’s one of the few amazing things about my body/mind that I really like. It’s like the internal clock inside of me is just that good. It works better than an alarm clock too because it is unsnoozable. Once my body decides it’s time to get up? There’s no going back to real sleep without consciously acknowledging that I’ll be missing whatever I needed to wake up early for. If I don’t want to miss it? I won’t be able to go back to sleep.

Quite handy, YES IT IS.

Anyway – I do so much moaning and groaning about my body, I thought I’d give it a break today. Even though we’ve lost NO weight in two weeks of working our ass off (GRUMBLE), my body has still held up quite well this week. We’ve (Yes, I’m pluralizing my Mind and my Body, THANK YOU.) been to bootcamp every weekday and even done a run on two nights. That along with the ability to still wake up up when I want to wake up? I’ll give it credit where credit is due – Way To Go, Kim’s Body. You’re Rockin’ It This Week.

Yes. That will probably be the last time you ever hear such a sentiment. Let’s cherish it.

Helping me lose weight by eating all of the chips in the house.

I think what bugs me a lot about people who exercise, is when they say, “If you want to do it, you’ll make time.” Like, you know, it’s just that easy. I know they have good intentions, and I know that most of my irritation with that statement is more about me being bitter that they make it sound so easy, but I think that – truthfully? It’s a little more complicated than that. At least in my life, and I’m assuming in yours.

First – you have to find the exercise you want to do. That’s the most important. No one is going to do exercise unless there is some sort of appeal there. You won’t ever catch me riding a bike. Or swimming. So, if what you want to do doesn’t come with childcare, or isn’t easily doable with kids, then there are more factors than just making the time.

Running is about the only thing I can stick with, and usually only if I’m training for something. Like a 5K. Or a half-marathon. But there’s no childcare for running and I have no desire to try to run with a running stroller. So, I have to find time to run when MrZ is home. Then comes the battle of the guilt when, on some nights, he’s had a hard day at work and I’m not sure if it’s fair to leave the kids with him or not when he really needs a break. Or maybe there are 90 million other things going on because, once MrZ is home? That’s when all of the kid’s extracurriculars start. Soccer games, rehearsals, meetings – those things all happen after work hours, eating away at my running time.

Then there’s the dark issue. I am scared of the dark. SERIOUSLY. Now, last night I ran with Sweetie and that helps, but still. SCARED OF THE DARK. I don’t like it.

Finally – there’s the fact that if you’re adding a 30-minute or 1-hour workout into what is surely an already busy day. What do you shift to allow that? Do you stay up later to make sure you still get everything done you needed to get done, or do you not do some of it? Or do you beg for extra help from your family which – AGAIN – adds to the guilt issues. I don’t have guilt issues asking for help when I’m doing stuff for other people: carpooling the kids, volunteering, etc. But when I’m doing something solely for myself? Like working out? Total guilt issues.

I’m not saying any of the roadblocks I face getting out the door are insurmountable. And I know most of them are in my head – mainly the guilt issues and the fear of the dark. But my point? It’s not just about Making the Time. If you are already busy (and aren’t we all?) then you have to find a good system. It takes a lot of trial and error and a lot of times the errors make us quit. The do me, anyway. The gym with a daycare? FAIL. The getting up early to run? FAIL. The begging for help from family to help compensate for the hours I’m working out? SOMETIMES FAIL. It’s not always easy.

I guess I just want some people like me, who don’t feel like it’s that easy – JUST MAKE THE TIME – to know I understand. Too many factors besides time. But yesterday? I made it work. I took the dog to conquer my fear of the dark. I squeezed the run in between drop-off and pick-up of E from rehearsal. I took the guilt of leaving the kids home with Donnie when he had a long day at work AND was sick – and stuffed in somewhere in the back of my head to worry about later. (Try it, when the voice in your head says, “You’re being a shitty wife,” try to ignore it. Sometimes it works for me! Ignoring myself, who knew?) I put on my shoes, strapped on my iPhone queued up to Harry Potter and let Jim Dale talk me through a 2-mile run.

It took more than just making time. But I found a way around those other factors and did my run – ONE NIGHT. Will I make it work tomorrow? Who knows. That’s my point. You try. Try different scenarios until you find one that works one day. Maybe you’ll be lucky and the same scenario will work the next day. I don’t mind running so much. It’s the one form of exercise that doesn’t hurt me too bad. (Probably because my speed is just one small notch above walking.) I got to zone out to Jim Dale, bond with my dog, and get closer to the 5K distance I’ll be running on October 16th.

Will I be able to do the same thing again tonight? Who knows. That’s what I like about this bootcamp, it’s the “no excuses hour”. The kids are still in bed and I’m not making MrZ do anything. And I’m with other grownups so the dark is not scary. But the bootcamp is expensive and I can’t do it forever. Maybe another month, but not much more. I have to get used to doing other things too, hence the trial to find a good time to run.

I guess I’ll just try every day to do more than just Make The Time. I also find someone else to wash dishes or bathe the kids, get a bodyguard to save me from the boogeyman, hire a therapist that tells me it’s OKAY to leave the kids with the husband once in awhile while I do something selfish, and make sure I don’t leave anyone stranded at soccer, school, or rehearsal. And if I manage all of that? Then I totally deserve the beer I drink before going to bed. And, really – isn’t it always about earning your beer?

(SIDENOTE: Exercise is one of those words I never EVER spell correctly. I always have to see the red squiggly line and correct it. But just then? In that paragraph above? ALL ME, BABY. I didn’t type exc- like I normally do. Next up? TUESDAY. Which I always type teu- on instinct.)

You always read all of these entries from people who are fit, especially people newly fit, who talk about how much better they feel when they exercise. More energy! Better moods! They get cranky on days they skip! But me? I never really felt any of that. I never had that extra energy. I usually was too busy dreading the next run/workout to enjoy any mood benefit. And on the days I skipped? PURE JOY.

This is what I refer to when I say I really DO hate exercise.

Now – on the other hand – when I did long runs? I did enjoy the weird quiet that occurred in my mind and allowed me to think about things I never had time to think about otherwise. The blog entries I’d write in my head on a run! Always brilliant, of course.

But the other stuff? I just never felt that. I’ve been thinking about that this week as I’m back in a program. I’ve joined a 4-week boot camp for women that meets every day at 5:30am, M-F. It’s a little pricey for our budget, but since Donnie spent a chunk on his training/gear for the triathlon, we decided it was fair I could take a class or two to try to get back in shape.

I’ve done it for two days now and I remember why I hate working out: It makes me feel like ass. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I’m doing it. I need some tone and some strength in areas long forgotten. But do I feel better in general? No. I’m hurting and I’m tired and I’m grumpy because I have to do it again tomorrow. This is why I tell people I’m inherently lazy – I think my body is actually happier when I’m sitting on my ass.

Therefore – this becomes all about mentality to me. I have to force myself to go because I know I should go. But in reality? No matter how long I’ve ever stuck to a workout program? I never feel better. I might be happy I lose weight or look better, so that’s a motivation to stick with it, but the boost of energy people talk about when they exercise? I never get it. That dependence on exercise that develops? Well – I’ve stuck to programs for almost an entire year and never ever got to the point where I would be cranky to skip a day. Deep down? I just hate exercise.

So. I’m doing it. I don’t want to be. I hate it. But I’m doing it. I feel like shit. I’m worn out. I am craving Saturday when I finally get a day off. But I’m doing it. And I know even 4 weeks from now I’ll still feel like crap. I’ll still have to force myself grumpily out of bed for class and if I find something else to do in 4-weeks I’ll have to grumpily do that, too. Because my body never seems to be happy when I’m fit. My body and mind prefer me to sit on my ass watching reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I talk to friends or read entries from people who fall off the Fitness Wagon and they all talk about how they feel like dirt. How they miss the energy and the good mentality of just feeling better when they’re exercising regularly. My husband is a huge pain in the ass without his workouts. But me? While the weight depresses me severely – the rest of it? I feel GREAT. But when I’m exercising? GRUMPY. TIRED. HURTING. HATE. DREAD. WHERE IS MY ICE CREAM, DAMMIT?

Well, that’s enough moaning. I have to leave for another class in 15 minutes. I KNOW THIS IS GOOD FOR ME. I just have to keep telling myself that over and over again. Because deep down inside? I always hate it. No matter what form the exercise takes (I’ve done them all) I hate it. I hate being stiff or sore or tired. I hate spending an hour doing something that makes me all of these things when I could be sitting on the couch watching last night’s NCIS: LA. (What?) But I do it. HORRIBLY GRUDGINGLY AND BITTERLY. Because I have weight to lose. I need to be stronger. It’s what everyone says a healthy person should do: Exercise. I want to be a good example for my kids. I want them not to hate it. So I go. And maybe feel a tiny bit proud when it’s all done.

A TINY BIT.

I haven’t talked a lot about starting the chain reaction of awesome in my life, lately. While I was thinking about that this morning I noticed: I have a lot of “selp-improvement” type categories listed here. I think that observation says a lot right there, don’t you think? Like, maybe there’s a part of me hoping if I give it a category on my blog it will stick? Anyway…chain reaction of awesome…I’ve not been doing much to nurture that journey lately. Not just here on this blog, but here in my actual life was well.

When you’re trying to grow as a person in any way, whether it’s starting meditation, or exercise, or just eating better – it’s very easy to get distracted. It’s very easy to avoid the actions that further these goals when you have – what feels like – more pressing and real needs surrounding you. The dishes in the sink, the laundry in the dryer, the poopy diaper on the kid in the next room. All of these immediate needs tend to trump any tasks associated with long-term goals. So, my long-term goals? Get washed down the drain with the dirty dishwater.

Add to the daily mundane BIG activities like; putting your house on the market, high school musicals, estates in probate, or sick family – and those long-term goals or dreams? Really start gathering dust. Studying for the GMAT so I can get my MBA? Impossible when trying to get my house POD Ready (FYI: PODs are just portable container units, like renting storage that gets dropped off and then picked up and moved.) so we can get it on the market by the end of May. Getting back my running body? On the back burner while we wrap up dad’s estates proceedings in Knoxville. Meditating? Improving Nutrition? Parenting adjustments? Can’t think about those while I’m sealing the grout in my kitchen.

Do you see what I have here? A lot of really valid and truthful excuses to put off all of the things I want to be doing. The thing is? If you really examine some of those entries from the ninety million Self Improvement categories I have on this blog? You’ll see that the long list of really valid and truthful excuses? NEVER ENDS.

There are always going to be little things that get in the way day to day: Cat puke to clean up, plants to be watered, cars to be vacuumed. There are always going to be big things that get in the way week to week: illness, home improvement, community needs. If my six years of blogging about making myself better has taught me anything? Is that there will never be time. Time to do what it is I want to do that seems frivolous compared to the immediate needs in my life and in the life of my family members.

So…yet again…I find myself at a crossroads. A moment in my life where maybe some clarity will produce some change. Maybe the realization that I could actually put things off forever at the rate I’m going – is just depressing enough for me to stop putting things off at all. That maybe I pull in chaos in my life to help me avoid these great improvements I need/want to make – so that I don’t have to face failure head on. Maybe I encourage the perpetual list of chores as a way to keep me from actually accomplishing any of my personal goals, so that I’ll never have to officially fail at them. And while this clarity can be very depressing, it’s also nice to know that these changes can be in my power. I don’t have to wait on the universe to give me the perfect conditions to finally encourage me to eat better, harness my creativity, meet my professional goals. Instead, I can say I’ll deal with what the universe needs me to do…AFTER I meditate, or exercise, or eat this bowl of fresh fruit. I can prioritize my personal needs before the needs of my family and of the universe.

Now, I’m not necessarily going to leave my kid sitting in his dirty diaper while I go run – but I can put off folding clothes until after I meditate. I can take the time to plan my daily menu and put off paying the bills until after grocery shopping. Because – and here’s the kicker – I’ve proven over a lifetime of getting things done, THEY WILL GET DONE. The dishes will get in the dishwasher, the laundry will get folded, the holes will get caulked and the lawn will get mowed. If all of the procrastinating of my own wants and needs has taught me anything, it’s this: Everyone Else’s Needs Will Be Met. Just maybe not on the same timeline that ignores my own personal needs.

So, for the nineteen millionth time, I’m refocusing. I am going to spend the week shifting my priorities and digging into all of those entries about who and what I want to be. I don’t want to keep writing about starting these journeys to self-improvement under different categories with different focuses. I want to recognize that: THERE WILL NEVER BE TIME UNLESS I MAKE IT. And I’m going to start making time.

Right after I hang those pictures on the wall and clean my toilet.

(P.S. I categorized this entry in all of my self-improvement categories to prove my point with the excessive categorizing of my self-improvement. Except for one: Operation Marathon. Because let’s be honest, I did that once. And while some may discover their love of real long-distance running with their first marathon? I WAS NOT ONE OF THEM.)