Most bloggers who write about the struggles of parenting at some point have to tackle the issue of ASSVICE – the unwanted, and often snottily given, parenting advice. I have very rarely dealt with this (thank goodness) but it has happened in small doses a handful of times. No biggie. However, recently I’ve been facing an odd assortment of dilemmas I think I’d just like your input. Especially on the oldest child because I’ve learned that those of us who have teens, also respect their privacy and aren’t going to discuss any parental qualms that relate to them. However, the questions that relate to the teenager are more me getting a feel for other Parents of Teens “rules” or “boundaries” they set at home. Feel free to answer each of these individually – or just weigh in on the ones you think you can help with. So, since I’m requesting your input – and as long as it’s done nicely – it’s simply advice. Which is what we parents in communities seek out from each other sometimes. It takes a village, you know.

• Bed wetting. (Totally not related to the teenager, I SWEAR.) NikkiZ has had three accidents recently, even on nights we make sure she relieves herself before bed. I’m guessing we should start by limiting her fluids past a certain time, but I’m not sure what amount/time that should be. Any suggestions? She goes to bed around 7:30 or 8:00 every night.
• Bed sharing. NikkiZ has also been sneaking into our bed in the wee hours of the morning, often after around 3am or so. Personally, this doesn’t bother me at all and I kinda like the snuggle time. It makes MrZ crazy. (Especially when this problem combines with the first one…which it did last night.) So, we are going to try to put a stop to it. Do you just try to escort your child back to their own bed when they enter your room or do you wake them up enough to explain and then risk that they’re awake for good. I’m terrified that she’ll wake up for the day when I try to get her back to her own bed and as always in my case: When Good Parenting Battles With Good Sleep? Good Sleep Always Wins. I’d probably let her sleep with us until she was 40 if it meant I could sleep longer.
• High School Grades. What are your policies? How do you establish those policies to make sure school is a higher priority than friends and/or entertainment? Sometimes I wonder if the better method is to quantify time spent on school work. Example: If you sit at the kitchen table and work on something for at least X hours every night, then I know you’re working hard and the actual grades are not as important. Or, if you know your child is just prioritizing poorly, do you just lay out the grades you expect/know they can get. If you do that, and they don’t get the grades you think would indicate proper prioritizing, what do you do as “punishment”? Or do you just reward grades with something like money?
• How do you feel about the general concept negotiating with teenagers? I feel like it’s very important to have a working relationship with quality dialog with my teenager. After a few big struggles about my Black and White stance on a lot of things, LilZ begged me to periodically see the Gray. To not just say, “NO!” because it breaks a rule or doesn’t side along with a restriction I’ve already established. This works for us because sometimes things are really important and he knows that technically I have to say “No!” if I’m sticking to my guns, but I’ve learned that sometimes he has a point: Sometimes things are super important and maybe require special consideration. Often? I still say, “No.” But sometimes, like this weekend, I take an exchange. (I feel like specifics would help explain this but I don’t want to embarrass my son by publicly claiming some of my silly rules.) I feel like it keeps an open line of communication instead of me just constantly saying, “No!” and not hearing anything he has to say. Or, am I being a wuss and not staying consistent?
• AndyZ really likes to feed the dogs when he’s eating. HOW DO WE MAKE HIM STOP? He is sneaky about it, like they’ve worked out some sort of agreement together or something. He’ll just be eating, minding his own business, and the second I get up from the table he’s got his fork to the ground letting the dogs chow on his pork chop. We can’t leave them outside during dinner because their door is at the dining room and the scratching would kill us. Do I just accept the fact that my dogs are eating better than my kids? And just wait for the day when AndyZ is truly old enough to understand the whole, “No!” concept? Or is there a better solution? Like feeding him dogfood so that if he does give it to the dogs they won’t really care so much about it. What?

So…have at it. AND BE NICE, please. Remember, I’m a sensitive girl who often cries at the mere indication that maybe I’m doing things wrong as a parent. I also often cry at OnStar commercials. I’m just like that.

And also – how do you convince your kids to share the kitty condo with the cats?

Sometimes I’m very glad that my memories of my own teenage years are so vivid. I can sincerely empathize with the pain and the emotional stress that they go through. I recall the anxiety of trying to keep my grades up while trying to also develop some sort of social life. I remember the wounds left behind when trying my best to find a place I fit in. I remember the broken hearts and the failed dreams. So as my kids go through the same things, I can honestly tell them I understand, and try to council in whatever way I feel may help. Even if it just requires listening with understanding.

Unfortunately…I also remember how I hated my Dad.

Not all the time. At least not in high school. By that time I had gotten over the puberty filled irrational angst. But in high school? Any time he said, “No” – I hated him. In that moment, I truly hated him. I wished I belonged to other families, had other parents. I wished that maybe I lived in the home of my friends whose parents cared less about grades and understood more about my need for a social life. True Anger. Real Hate.

I know I felt those things because since Dad died? I’ve offered up quite a bit of guilt over those wasted moments.

But I know something as a Mom I didn’t understand as a teenager. There are things we just have to say, “No” to. Whether it’s because we pre-determined qualifications: You can do X if you do Y. If Y doesn’t get done? You have to say no to X or none of our threats will ever be respected again. Other times we say No because we’ve set previous restrictions. Usually along the lines of, You are too young to do X – you can’t do it until you are age Y. It doesn’t stop kids from asking, it didn’t stop me.

Whatever the reason…every time I say No…I feel like shit. I know as I’m saying it that I have to – for whatever reason. But I also see the pain in my child’s eyes, the disappointment, the anger. And I know the hate. And it sucks.

Maybe it should give me solace knowing that some day my kids will look back and understand why I had to say, “No.” Or at least I hope they do. It doesn’t hurt any less knowing that they’ll get over it soon. I was usually over it by the next day. It doesn’t help knowing that they still love me, deep down inside. Because that look on their face? The disappointment? Stabs deeper than that.

This makes me completely understand the parents who Never Say No. Every time I see that hurt in their eyes? I consider becoming one of those parents. I know the professionals all say we HAVE TO SAY NO. We MUST BE THEIR PARENTS, not their friends. SAYING NO IS GOOD. It’s ingrained in my head to help ease the anxiety when I do have to say No.

But…I knew kids in high school who had those parents and they all turned out fine…I think. Why do I say No? Why can’t I say Yes? What am I causing my child this pain again? I can’t remember.

There are no answers. And sometimes? I’ll be honest. I cave. I change my No to a Yes. Either because I reanalyze the situation and decided it’s not a big deal, or because I just can’t take the look of disappointment. I essentially say Yes to the puppy dog eyes. I’m not afraid to admit that. Does it make me a bad parent? No. Will I regret those times? Hopefully not. Will I say No again? Most definitely.

And it will hurt. Both of us.

The Juggle at the Wall Street Journal has a good article up about Technology/Social Networking and Parenting. Following Your Kids on Facebook: Tech-Enabled Bonding or Helicopter Parenting? It’s a good discussion to have with yourself and your kids, but I don’t believe there’s any black and white answer to it all.

It has taken LilZ and I four years to reach a good place in our relationship with each other and the internet. We had some big downs several years ago that probably had me erring on the side of Helicopter Parenting, but for Junior High kids? I think that’s necessary. They don’t necessarily have the maturity yet to understand a lot of the rules and why they are there and important…yet they are prime targets for scum. The are also too trusting and often over confident in their decision making. Things were rough back then…and I will say this for sure: Children are not old enough for their own computer in their room until they are in at least 8th grade. For me? That’s the only black and white. My lesson learned.

Now that we’re in High School and have worked out a lot of the kinks in the way we handle social internet use, I feel much better.

For me…right now (this can always change)…I let LilZ invite me to participate on social networking sites. He initiates the contact. He knows I’m already out there on facebook and twitter and he was the one to friend request me. So, when he does? I don’t hover. I don’t check his status every day. I don’t read every tweet. (Although I’d like to, he’s quite funny.) I don’t analyze his friend list on MySpace and wonder who they each are. However…he knows that I can. And he knows that I will if I ever feel like he’s doing anything dangerous or risky online. Privacy…right now…for us…is a privilege. And these networks provide great tools for us to bond over. He responds to my tweets and I send him links on facebook. He comments on my blog and I favorite his flickr pictures. I really feel like the internet is a positive thing in our lives, but it could easily be abused by me. I could very easily use it to stalk my child, and often the temptation is strong. I don’t feel it’s necessary right now. We’ve come a long way to reach this point…but we’re here and we have a comfortable understanding.

There is nothing easy about parenting and I often have to remind myself that I got into plenty of trouble and did plenty of stupid things as a teenager: WITHOUT THE INTERNET. I refuse to blame social networking for anything…I remember my own teenage years too well to be that naive. The internet can be a tool to communicate with your child on THEIR terms in THEIR language. I can’t give that perk up…I’m holding onto anything I can at this point. But I won’t abuse it. At least not until I feel like I need to.

So…it’s a fragile tight rope we walk in our home. And the course changes constantly. But we remain flexible and talk it out. That’s the biggest thing. If I get concerned about something…I talk to LilZ about it first. Instead of banning him from the internet all together, I try to talk to him like the adult I want him to be.

And then I poke him on facebook.

I went to LilZ’s High School orientation last night. I’ll summarize the evening for you in bullet points:

• OMG. I WENT TO A HIGH SCHOOL ORIENTATION. WHEN DID I BECOME THE PARENT OF A HIGH SCHOOL-ER? Ooops. Sorry about that. It still sometimes freaks me out. Let’s move on.
• There was a lot of talk about the fact that our public schools had their classroom supply budget taken away from them this year. While there were a few calls for donations of supplies, there was no where near the badgering I thought there would be. I think it’s because our school district still has a lot of parent support so the need is probably not as dire as in other parts of the city. This makes me equal parts proud and sad. The parents picking up the slack is good for the students this year, but doesn’t do much to motivate the government re-allocate that money next year. *sigh*
• I don’t know how my son has learned his way around his school already. Just that alone? Has made me proud enough to last four years. That place is comprised of no less than 1200 identical hallways.
• There are no windows in his school. Or at least none in any places helpful to orient oneself. Twice I had to ask him, “Are we upstairs or downstairs?” I think he thought I was drunk.
• Over half of the parents there were unescorted by their teenager. How they made it from class to class in the five minutes between classes? Still amazes me.
• The principal said there is no need to wonder what navigating the sidewalks of NYC at the busiest time of day is like…just come to the high school at lunch time and squeeze into the crowds flowing to and from the cafeteria. He said it’s a testament to the excellent 2000+ student body that it just works every day. I believe him.
• LilZ is in two honors classes. I was always annoyed when parents mentioned that about their kids, which they often did as far back as the first grade. BUT – LilZ put for the effort to TRY to get into honors classes at the beginning of last year and made it into one for 8th grade. His efforts last year allowed him to get into TWO this year. He’s not in honors classes because someone placed him there in elementary school thanks to his good standardized test scores. He’s in honors classes because he WORKED to do it. Because he WANTED to. And for some reason? That makes me much more obnoxious about it. I apologize.
• Those two honors classes? Look REALLY hard. Better him than me. BAH. Luckily…his Honors History teacher is insanely awesome. He said he wishes she could teach ALL of his classes. That? Is a GREAT teacher.
• High school students nowadays (I use that word because I’m 80) don’t look like they did when I was in high school. They look much older. Or it seems that way. There were several times I couldn’t tell if I was looking at a student or a parent. And if most of the kids weren’t dressed in t-shirts with the school’s name on them? I’d have mistaken even more of them for parents.
• LilZ has an AWESOME group of friends. They make me laugh.
• One faculty member (I won’t mention who because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings) made up a word last night. Now – I do that all the time. Because I get carried away talking and sometimes my brain can’t find the word I need and makes one up instead. I am always embarrassed about this because I feel like it makes me look uneducated. So – when this one faculty member did it? In front of a very large group of parents? I totally wanted my embarrassment pillow.
• All in all? I’m proud I survived. I was worried I wouldn’t make it out alive. If it weren’t for LilZ I’d still be wandering around the hallways going, “Where’s main entrance? Am I even downstairs?”

I’m less than 6 weeks from sending my oldest child off to his first day of high school.

(I just threw up a little in my mouth.)

This painful fact has had me thinking a lot about the very fast transition we made in Junior High. I thought the first years of a child’s life represented the fastest growth period – and it might – physically. But emotionally? It has got to be the 7th and 8th grade years.

The roughest transition to me was one no one warned me about and I could find no good guidelines for; it was the transition from Parents Making THE Plans to Kids Making THE Plans.

You know how it is when a slumber party happens. Or a playdate. Usually one parent calls another to invite them over. Or maybe an invitation is handed out at school, written by the host parent but mailed through the child’s backpack. As a kid gets older sometimes he/she will make plans with a friend at recess but when the kids come home, one of the parents actually calls the other parent to say, “So, did you really want my child to come live with you? My son assures me that you told your son that.” Usually the kids have exaggerated their version of the activity a little bit so the parents step in and finalize the little details. You know, like playing at each other’s house instead of at Disney World.

However, sometime in the 7th grade, parents start being removed from the equation. This was a very tough transition for me that I pushed away for a very long time. LilZ and I had a lot of embarrassing to him/satisfying to me issues where I called a parent to confirm the details he had come home with. It was simple stuff like, “LilZ asked to come over to your house for a little while, is that okay with you?” Just the kind of thing that I wanted to confirm with the parent before dropping my kid off at their house, especially if I didn’t even know the person.

Eventually the embarrassment to LilZ became too much and we started trying out the training wheels of Tween Made Plans. Birthday parties no longer came with invitations. Parents no longer did the planning, much less the inviting. Eventually the Teen Planned House Visits turned into Teen Planned Outings. You know, meeting at the movies. Or Bridge Street. Or the Mall. These outings where the teens meet up to hang out and cause certain amounts of trouble to nearby adults. (I can say that because I was part of several loud and obnoxious giggling groups of teenagers at the $1 Movie Theater in high school.) We have transitioned to those type of outings and for sure – no parents are involved in the planning of those events.

Essentially you go from Mom to Chauffeur/Personal Assistant. I am no longer consulted regarding plans or even involved in the details of the plans. In the end, LilZ and I have settled on our own system that allows him to do stuff with his friends but also allows me some sort of sanity. I thought I’d share my lessons/tips with you so that they might ease your own transition. You may want more restriction and your child may want more flexibility – in the end you’ll find your own system. I’m just sharing what works for us.

Insist upon knowing the plans before your teenager leaves and require a notification if plans are changed during the outing
If you do not make this rule, then the plans will change as the outing progresses. Trust me. It happens ALL THE TIME AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. If you thought you were dropping them off to see Up and Cindy’s Mom was going to pick up after the movie? What will happen is that Up will be sold out and then some kid will want to go to Barnes & Noble to get coffee. Cindy’s Mom will be called and she’ll approve a later pickup time at a different location but you’ll probably only be notified when you call and say, “Where are you?” 10 minutes after your teen should have arrived home. Remember this important fact: All Teenagers Are Self-Absorbed And Inconsiderate. They may also be sweet and sensitive and smart and responsible. But still? Self-Absorbed. Don’t take it personally they just live in their own heads not quite realizing that the rest of us are not here to serve them. LilZ must call me before plans change. I have given him permission to badmouth me while making these calls. “He guys, I just have to call my overprotective and annoying Mom to let her know our plans have changed because she thinks I’m four still.” This is okay by me as long as he CALLS.

Require at least a couple hours of warning before announcing plans
You may not have small children when yours is a teen, but you probably have a life outside of your teen. Maybe it’s a job, maybe it’s an exercise routine. Whatever it is, you can’t just jump in a car and drive your child to someone’s house at the drop of a hat. They need to be reminded of that fact. You do not spend your days waiting to serve your teenager. We have had many of those conversations that involve me overusing the word “respect” to try to convey why this rule is so important. “You have to respect the fact that there are more people in this family than you.” “You have to show a little respect to your parents and acknowledge that they’re more than just bus drivers.” “You have to respect my schedule and know that sometimes I have more important things to do. You know, like watch So You Think You Can Dance.”

Get your teenager’s friends’ cell phone numbers
Again, I’ve given him permission to badmouth me about this rule, but I have more of his friends’ cell numbers in my contact list than I do my own. Usually when I need to use this rule I text instead of call, “is E there? can u tell him 2 call me?” They all have my number programmed in their cell phones so it comes up something like, “E’s Annoying Mom.” Doesn’t matter. It allows me a line of communication to my child when something happens and I can’t make the pickup location or time. You would not believe how many times a child’s phone battery dies, or they forget their phone. You will use those friends’ numbers more than you would ever dream. Just accept the fact that they’re all rolling their eyes at you as you’re calling them.

Sharing the driving responsibilities
LilZ’s friends all have Moms who are very nice/good about driving certain legs of the outings. I took advantage of that for a long time because I don’t like being out late and because I’m scared of teenagers. (What? Aren’t you?) I have forced myself to get over this and now insist upon helping out whenever I can. This has many positive side effects. 1) You know where your kids’ friends live. 2) You get leverage in case there are times you can’t help out. 3) You get to know your teenager’s friends. This is the most important part. It allows you to put faces to names and become a more active part of your child’s life. Now, some of LilZ’s friends have Moms who they all love and embrace when they see them. I’m very jealous of those Moms. I’m not that Mom and I think it’s partly because I’m probably still one of the more strict parents. However, they at least know who I am and talk to me when they see me. This is important.

Learn to compromise
I know that at some point in time, my child will be driving. (There’s that throw up again.) Then he’ll be left to his own decision making and I just simply have to trust that. However, we’re not there yet. In the last two years we’ve inched more toward that point through compromise, but I still have a year and half to be all the way there. As your child creeps toward the same terrifying age of 16, you’ll do the same. I used to pick LilZ up right when a movie was over. “No lallygagging for you young Man!” Then, eventually, I gave him time after the movie to hang out with his friends at the theater. Now? I’m allowing them to walk across the parking lot to Target or Barnes & Noble. That was a huge step for me. Those are the type of steps we have to be willing to make as our children get older but TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. I have held LilZ back longer than many of his friend’s parents simply because I wasn’t comfortable with those transitions yet. I’ve learned that while it causes my son to bitch about me behind my back, it’s still necessary that I make those transitions when I’m comfortable. We’re still their parents, we are still in charge.

You are allowed to CHANGE YOUR MIND
Just because you approve something one time doesn’t mean you have to approve it every time. Sometimes we decide to grant them a bit of freedom but maybe, after seeing it in action, decide they aren’t ready yet. And maybe that we’re not ready yet. You can always backtrack. ALWAYS. Your teenager will try to tell you that’s not fair (Mine did.) to which you throw out the line all of our parent’s used on us. “Who said life was fair?”

And the circle of life is complete.

Next Up: Managing Your Child’s Cell Phone Privileges Without Starting World War III

Bonus BRILLIANT Tip Provided By Cursing Mama In The Comments Section
When he asks to go to someones house for a party (I consider a party to be more than 3 kids) we ask if a parent will be there – and take him at his word. THEN we call the parent (sneaky, I know) thank them for hosting said group of kids – they are a brave & wonderful breed of parent – and ask if we can supply some snacks or soda or something because we are not brave & wonderful. So far we haven’t run into a parent that didn’t know about the party and we also haven’t run into a single one that turned down our offer to send something along.