My friend’s daughters stayed with me last night and I swear to you…at one point in time? I forgot they were here! That either says a lot about their silence while they hung out watching TV in LilZ’s room, or it says even more about how I am a complete moron. I actually opened the door to LilZ’s room and did a double take when I saw the kids in there. Like, Wait. What? Why are they here again? I had probably picked them up an hour earlier and we spent 20 minutes playing in the front yard. It’s not like I grabbed them and dumped them in LilZ’s room and didn’t look at them afterwards. We made daisy chains (with weeds) and ate popsicles.

In other words? The results are in: I’m a complete moron.

I’ll never stop pointing out how pregnancy makes me so much more of an idiot that I am on a normal day. I mean - I have my share of brain farts whether I’m gestating or not - but when I’m pregnant? It seems very easy for my brain to simply shut down. Which is kinda scary when you have human lives depending on you.

(Note to Stace: I promise your kids were still safe! LilZ and MrZ were still home so no worries! They would have covered my ass if I had done something stupid like set fire to the house!)

We’re less than two weeks away from Baby Time. My brain will have no choice but to reactivate at that point. And if it doesn’t? My permanent tagline on this site will be, “Come for the donuts, stay to read about the stupid shit I did today.”

Once Upon a Time…I went to the OB for my weekly cervix check and he diagnosed me as having a double ear infection.

Can you do the math on that one? I mean, I’m not doctor but…

(Hee.)

But seriously! I told him my ears were hurting because I was there and he had the Rx pad in his pocket and I figured if he could, he would just prescribe me an antibiotic and I’d be on my way and NOT have to wait at the doc-in-the-box down the road for three hours to get the SAME prescription. If they’d even give me one without making me call my OB first.

Luckily - I was right. He had no problem giving me the antibiotic. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the right tools on hand at first to check my throat or my ears since he is an OB, who rarely has to look into throats OR ears. So, he first told me to, “Open up and say, ‘ahhhh’” as he used the LIGHT THEY SHINE BETWEEN YOUR LEGS to look into my throat.

Please tell me that’s as hysterical to everyone else as it is to me! Now - it wasn’t unsafe or anything, he was plenty far back and it didn’t even seem gross. I’m just saying, it was weird. He was taking the light he usually aims between a woman’s legs and SHINING IT IN MY FACE. It took every bit of will power I could must not to crack up laughing.

It is just me, isn’t it?

I edited the crap out of the photos we took of NikkiZ painting my belly this weekend. (Dear P-Dub, can you make an “Unpregnant” action next time? None of the actions you made with the last batch seem to help remove my giant stomach and stretch marks.) I know most women hate their appearance when they’re pregnant, so I’m sure you can relate. BUT - I also know how much I enjoy looking back on pregnant photos, once I’m not longer there. So, I resisted the initial urge to delete them all and just edited them so much that they almost appear tolerable to this very-sick-of-being pregnant woman.

I’ve been really down about being pregnant this last month or so. Pretty much since I had that dreadful cough for that week. My allergies have not let up since and although Claritin and Benadryl have been approved, neither of them to do any good. And it’s really impairing my ability to sleep, which makes me KRAZEE. I get overly emotional without solid sleep and I’m hitting that point of exhaustion where I’m crying at the drop of the hat. And usually, no matter what is making me cry, I’ll throw in some sort of line about how hard it is to be pregnant and not get any sleep.

For example:

OnStar commercial airs on the radio where some girl has pushed the button because her Mom had a seizure and she wrecked the car. I start crying (like I do often with those damn commercials) and then go into some tirade about how it’s so hard to be a perfect Mom all the time! Much less if your epileptic! Or pregnant! And I ranted about how much harder it is to be pregnant with a toddler to care for because they don’t understand! And then I cry even harder.

Here’s the kicker: I’m the only one in the car.

Essentially? I’ve lost my freakin’ mind.

So, If you see a large and sneezy pregnant woman with dark circles and big bags under her eyes in the produce department at the grocery store crying while holding an orange angrily in her hand? Just move along and say a silent prayer for her poor family.

My OBGYN’s office has a nurse’s station that surrounds the two bathrooms used by patients to deliver samples through the windows. In other words, these bathrooms are pretty monitored. Which is why I shouldn’t have spent 10 minutes trying to lock the door when giving my own sample yesterday. BUT - I have an extreme fear of being walked in on while peeing. So, I repeatedly tried to lock the door while the nurses or patients walked outside the door probably thinking, “Jeezus, woman. Just pee already and quit screwing with the doorknob.”

So, I decided to pee. Without locking the door.

For those of you who haven’t tried to pee in a cup while 36+ weeks pregnant, let me just explain the procedure. You hover and hold the cup and just pee with wreckless abandon praying you’ll hear the pee hitting inside the cup. You can’t aim because you can’t see past your belly. In other words? It’s nearly impossible to do it with any sort of grace.

Which is why, when someone opens the door to the bathroom, you are possibly in the least glamorous position you’ve ever been in. EVER.

Now - luckily I was in a very hunched position to begin with so I was able to lunge towards the door to shut it before I made eye contact with anyone on the other side. But - can you guess what happened to my sample? It ended up in the toilet. Which means I walked out with lost urine AND lost dignity.

It was completely awesome.

I have no idea who opened the door. Oddly enough, there was no one outside the bathroom when I exited. No nurses or patients in the usually crowded area. I don’t know if everyone ran off because they were embarrassed to have either (a) opened the door on me or (b) not stopped someone from opening the door on me. I know I would have run like a bat out of hell. But not everyone is as mature as I am.

Either way - the next time? I’ll either find a way to lock the door, or I’ll insist on using the other bathroom. I don’t have enough dignity left to lose if it happens again.

I’ve had some weird issues lately. There was the painful and torturous coughing phase from a few weeks back. There have been allergies worse than I’ve ever known. There has been strange abdomen injuries and glorious leg cramps. But the best? Is this. The bizarre incident with my eye. I think there’s something stuck under the lid but no amount of flushing or drops or compresses seems to be getting it out. So maybe I’ve cut something? Or scratched something like a cornea? Is that in your eye…your cornea? Or am I really off base?

Whatever it is - it is totally adding to my sex appeal. Don’t you think? I mean…I was hot before. The swollen feet and blotchy skin generally increases my HOTT factor by about 100 daily, but this swollen and red eye? Makes me totally irresistible. Ask my husband. He can’t keep his hands off me.