I think part of my problem in the Social department is that I totally over-analyze the people around me and what they may or may not be thinking about me. The logical part of my brain understands that Person B is probably not thinking anything about me, but the insecure paranoid part of my brain thinks these type of things daily:

• Are my neighbors judging us because the edges of our yard still look so crappy? Should I get out there with scissors until I master the weed-eater?
• Does Nikki’s teacher think I’m trashy because I always come in to pick her up covered in sweat, grass, or grime? Or does she understand I’m just a hardworker who doesn’t want to waste a shower on a simple run to preschool?
• Do I sound too sarcastic on Facebook? I worry that since these people only see the periodic status update from me, that maybe I come off as too bitter and irritated.
• Does the checkout lady at Target wonder why I’m here everyday or does she see a lot of customers shopping one meal/day at a time?
• Was I really rude to the parent who just came by to pick up their child or was it obvious I was just trying too keep my dogs from escaping?

I’m not that judgmental in the slightest, but for some reason I assume every person I encounter is thinking the worst of me. Not only is this sad because it makes it seem like I have a crappy opinion of the general human population, but it’s pretty self-absorbed to worry about anyone thinking that much about me. Even my own friends and family! And on the logical conscious level? I’m not putting that much energy into these thoughts. But they are there, under the surface, after every encounter with every person. I’m not sure why A) I assume everyone is thinking negative thoughts about me or even why B) I assume they’re thinking about me at all. I’ve had passing interactions with people and barely was able to remember their name, much less form any sort of opinion about them in that 2.7 seconds. Why do I assume people take that quick chance meeting and build up these horrible impressions of me?

Whatever the cause for this type of insecure view of the world: It’s there. And it’s one of the traits I come back to when I wonder why I have such a hard time turning quick social encounters into friendships. Because I’m insecure and by the time I’ve completely over analyzed the initial encounter? The potential-friend in question hates me. Because I’m weird.

I have gotten better over the last year or so. If I have more than one encounter with someone I don’t avoid talking to them because I assume they think these negative thoughts. I used to. I used to avoid the person because of course – THEY HATE ME. Now? I’ve let the more logical part of my brain take over and I do the opposite. I try to assume we’re friends after that first encounter. We know each other’s names, we have _____ in common (Kids in the same school, same team, same hobby…), and we’ve already met once. The second time? I try my best to engage them more without worrying about whether or not they are confirming their previous negative assumptions about me. I’m fighting that insecure habit, slowly but surely. One of these days? I may be normal!

What about you…do you do this type of insecure evaluation of encounters? Or do you have another trait sabotaging your social life? Please share because I’d love to feel better about mine.

Those who know me in the “real world” have heard the story at least once about the time I let someone think LilZ was a girl through a lengthy conversation when he was a baby. It’s one of those staple stories either HE tells or I do. But when I do it’s usually in shame. See – LilZ had an amazing head of curly hair when he was a small baby. Everywhere we went people thought he was a girl and I never corrected them. They usually said, “What a pretty little girl!” and I would thank them and carry on. It happened too often for me to stress out about correcting everyone. And while I rolled my eyes mentally because I always dressed him in blue, that was all I did. Mainly because I didn’t want them to feel bad and since I’d never see them again – what did it matter? One day, however, someone asked me what “her” name was. I told them, and I guess since LilZ’s name is so unique (I’ve never heard of it anywhere else) then they just assumed it was a girl’s name and said, “Oh! That’s pretty. What’s her middle name?” I froze momentarily because LilZ actually goes by his middle name, his first name is all boy which would obviously give away his gender and officially make me look insane for either A) Giving my daughter an obvious boys name or B) Not correcting the woman originally. So, I did the only thing I could think of and gave him my old middle name, “Um…Ann?”

This is one of the stories that proves the length I’ll go to in order to avoid making someone else (or myself for that matter) feel bad or awkward.

Last weekend I had another story to add to my arsenal of Crazy Crap Kim Says To Make Other People Feel Better.

I was at Target and walking with AndyZ in the buggy (Yes. We call them buggies here.) to find LilZ. As I was walking past the infant section I saw a woman looking at the items on the rack as her 2-year-old daughter flipped head first out of the buggy and onto the tile floor. The sound it made when she hit was horrendous and my only thought in that brief moment was the worst. I assumed so bad that when the girl immediately jumped up and started screaming and grabbing her head, I was actually relieved. I debated for one second about offering assistance and then immediately ran over to help the Mom telling her, “I saw her fall! I’m so sorry!” (I think maybe I felt guilty for not being able to fly across the store and stop her.) The first thing the mother said to me as she embraced her daughter and looked as though she was about to cry was, “I’m so stupid! I was just shopping and not even paying attention!”

Okay. I’ve never had a kid fall out of a buggy. But – she had an infant in the carseat in the part you normally put 2-year old’s in. I’ve done that before. Put the “safer” kid in the back. And while we all think we know our kids well enough to judge whether they’ll jump out, or we watch them close enough to make sure they don’t, there was honestly: NO PART OF ME judging her. I felt nothing but sympathy as I ran to the concessions to get her some ice. Never once did I think anything negative because I know the truth: You just can’t always watch them. Yes, you can do things to avoid disaster but I’ve made risky decisions before and just hoped for the best. Some decisions are worse than others, but we’ve all made bad choices and hopefully the worst has never happened. This was nothing more than an accident and I felt awful that SHE felt awful.

Eventually an entire team of employees was gathered around us as we tried to decide what to do and I tried to ease her mind. So what did I do? I totally made up a story to make her feel better. I won’t tell you exactly what I said because I feel so stupid for possibly jinxing myself – but I basically made up a grand story about how the same thing happened to me, “So don’t you be hard on yourself. You’re not the first one this has happened to. It’s okay.”

I basically made up a story about almost maiming my own child to make a woman feel better about almost maiming hers. See? I’m officially insane.

When I left the woman she had her daughter calm and happy at the front of the store talking to management so I’m hoping she ended up being fine but I’m not sure if they called an ambulance or anything. I just got the heck out of there before my lie came back to haunt me I found myself slipping on a wet floor and cracking my skull open. That’s how karma for the klutzy works, you know.

And as usual, I’m ending this entry with completed unrelated photos! These are from yesterday’s trip to the botanical gardens to see their new summer exhibit: Tremendous Treehouses. SO AWESOME. This place is so worth the $70/year for membership. This summer even more so because the kids LOVED the new exhibit.

So, one of the stresses about having kids ranging such ages as mine (18 months to 14) is that they need you during different times of day. The overlap is minimal, and sometimes this can severely cramp your Sleep Time. For example, I had to pick up LilZ last night at midnight at a party. I came home and didn’t wind down enough to go to sleep until after 1am. FOUR HOURS LATER…AndyZ wakes up. For the day. Wanting his mother to feed him and change him and generally care for him. This was below the amount of sleep I can function on properly for an entire day, for the record.

When MrZ woke up around 9:30 or so, I immediately passed the baton to him. I knew I needed a nap or I was going to have an emotional breakdown (I’ve not been sleeping well anyway) and tried to decide the optimal napping situation for myself. See…I am a light sleeper. Napping in my room in our small-ish house is not very effective. I hear every cry, every kitchen quest, every phone call. Also – our bedroom sometimes is a high-traffic area. If MrZ needs anything from our bathroom, I get interrupted. From the closet? I wake up.

I was faced with the dilemma…where do you go to sleep if you really need a good power nap. You need maximum sleeping done in minimum clock time. Well…I’ll tell you where I went. TO MY VAN. I reclined the back seats, brought out a blanket (it’s a little chilly this time of year) and set up a pillow. And I napped. VERY WELL. For almost 90 minutes. I only woke up because I had to pee and the one thing my minivan doesn’t have, is a bathroom. Once I came inside I couldn’t really go back out. But you know what? I didn’t need to. I slept beautifully for those 90 minutes. It was the most peaceful nap I’ve ever had.

I keep telling my husband it was the MOST GENIUS IDEA EVER. He thinks I’m just insane for even considering it, much less actually doing it. Which tells me he has never known exhaustion and parenting in the treacherous combinations I have known…or else he would truly understand the value of a quiet napping place. Either that? Or I am honestly insane. But even if I am? I am insane – AND WELL-RESTED.

You know what bugs me? I mean, really irks me? That tone. That tone that says, “You are annoying me right now with your stupidity.” Sometimes it has been given to me from tech support and other times from a waitress at a restaurant. Everyone is capable of using the tone and every time I hear it I go from being a calm and submissive polite woman to a pissed off and emotional warrior. I’ll express my anger in completely illogical ways – always leaving the person confused and writing me off as insane.

True Story:

I was talking to a customer service person on the phone today regarding a duplicate charge on a credit card. All I wanted was confirmation that the charge was duplicated. But from the moment she started asking me for the security information to confirm I could be given information on the account she gave me the tone. The tone that had an audible eyeroll and annoyed sigh. She didn’t even get 2 questions out before I said, “Wow. You sound really angry already. I haven’t even asked my question yet.” Well, that was a big mistake. She just got more rude from there and started interrupting me. So – what did I do? I yelled at her again, “You’re being mean!” and I did the most awesome thing ever…I cried.

The End.

Please tell me you’ve done something similar. That when faced with rude behavior you find yourself unable to ignore it and unable to confront it successfully. Instead your emotions take over and you are written off as The Crazy Person that the culprit will later tell their friends about. Please tell me I’m not alone.

Anyone?

Why haven’t I written?

Excuse #1 LilZ gave me a mix CD for Mother’s Day. I thought that putting a set list up of that CD along with the hysterical thing that was his final recorded track of his own voice would be a GREAT entry. Only I’d needed him to give me the playlist because – while I love the CD – I’ve never heard of any of the songs and/or musicians before. So, I was waiting for him to give me the playlist before I could write that entry. And he has still not given me a playlist. Because he’s a lazy bum of a teenager.

Excuse #2 I have had a logo designed for some business cards! I want to show you the logo and tell you the story of why I got the logo and what I plan to do with it and the philosophy behind it all except that an entry like that requires some heart to compose. Some heart and the time and ability to dig up some links to coincide with this new philosophy because there are people who have written about it much better than I could. Have I had time to do all of that? No. So do I simply tease you with the potential of an entry? Yes.

Excuse #3 AndyZ is walking. WALKING. And I totally want to take some video and show you but I haven’t charged the camera and keep forgetting and wait…do I even know where the camera is? I don’t think I do. So, instead of blaming it on the uncharged batteries, let’s blame it on the missing camera. Yeah. That’s it. Did I mention my baby is walking? Shoot me now.

Excuse #4 I wanted to tell you about how I cried during Hannah Montana because she sings a song about how awesome her Dad is for raising her alone and TOTALLY not what I needed to hear. And my daughter thought that me crying during the Hannah Montana movie was very disturbing. But I haven’t wanted to sit down and tell you about how embarrassing it is to sob during a Disney movie until I could get the lyrics to that DAMN SONG to prove to you how dreadful it is to hear so soon after losing the father who RAISED ME ALONE. I never wrote him a song! (To which he is thankful, even from the grave.)

Excuse #5 I’m lazy. The end.