I was reading Julie’s latest article at Redbook where she answered several questions about her donor cycle. However, one of the questions that rung out to me was about her position on “hope” or “expectations” when waiting. As I read the question, I had a very strong response in my mind. And of course, Julie said the exact same thing I was thinking:

I will say this: Bad news is crushing whether you expect it or not. If you’ve expected that negative, or that cancellation, or that miscarriage, it’s no less devastating when it actually happens. It’s just that you’re not as surprised.

I’ve been thinking about this idea a lot since I started reading this book. Especially once I started using the ideas of affirmation to promote my own fertility success. And it’s quite a dilemma. It’s so hard to simply say those affirmative thoughts. I will have more children. It’s hard because it seems like my natural response now is to add on …hopefully. Without that response I feel like I’m being naive. And I sometimes do trick myself into thinking that the affirmations will make the pain worse and that the negative thoughts will help me cope. But you know what? that’s bullshit. Julie’s right. It doesn’t matter.

Part of me knew that last pregnancy was doomed from the start. I never really stopped bleeding, I cramped so bad, my progesterone was so low, all of these things and a general anxiety about it just made me feel doomed. And then I lost the baby. And I can promise you this: It hurt. It really hurt. I cried for a month. The constant doubt and anxiety did not prepare me for the loss. It hurt just as bad as my first miscarriage. And all of the ones following. And every time my period came the months after, I would cry again. I would be in bed and say to MrZ, behind tears, “I shouldn’t have my period. I should still be pregnant.”

So: That anxiety and negative thought pattern - although hard to control - did not reduce the pain of the loss at all. I’m calling bullshit on myself. I know I might lose the baby. You know I might lose the baby. It’s not like anyone close to me is blindly assuming all will be fine and buying clothing for said baby tomorrow. So, now that we all know this, I need to get over it already. Let’s do what the book says and think positive.

And also? Let’s not leave our damn cellphone at home when waiting for important lab results. Dumbass.

After I took the positive test yesterday, I called my doctor to get the paperwork drawn to order my HCG QUANT and my PROGESTERONE tests done. It’s a blood test I’ve now had done dozens of times. We’ll find out the numbers today. My progesterone is always too low and so I always have to take supplements. I have no idea what we want my HCG to be because my schedule never got “regular” after NikkiZ so I don’t know when I ovulated. But - there will be a level that is “high enough we’re satisfied” and I’m hoping we reach that level.

Since I’m so open about these things on my blog, we don’t have the luxury to wait and tell friends and family. They’ll read it here and it’s better they hear it from us. Most people who are prone to miscarriages probably don’t tell everyone day one. But, we kinda have to. And I’m glad because I’m really close to my family and they would want to know - even if something bad happens down the road. So, MrZ called his family and I called mine. I’m not sure if his conversations we’re any better, but mine went something like this:

“Hey {Insert Friend/Family Here}! So, I have some news. I had a positive home pregnancy test today.”

This is where the friend or family member is a little slow to respond because the typical person says “I’m pregnant!” and the way I announce it almost indicates I’m not pregnant and I’m just talking about a weird fluke.

“I feel silly making a big production out of it because with my body it doesn’t always mean what it does with everyone else, and it seems silly to be all “Spread the News, I’m Pregnant!” but we’re trying to be positive, so part of being positive is calling everyone and telling them. So, I guess ‘Yay! I’m Pregnant!’ is what I should be saying…So, uh, you know. I’m Pregnant. They took my blood today and we’ll get results about the viability of the pregnancy tomorrow. Of course, even if the numbers are good I’ve still miscarried before so I don’t know if that will make us feel any better.”

Yes, the run-on sentence is exactly how it sounded. Seriously. Ask anyone who received a phone call from me. Including my brother and one of my dear friends who were lucky enough to just get it recorded on voicemail. I’m awesome.

But - see how effective that conversation is? I leave the person having no idea what they should say. Should they be excited? Should they not? Should they even acknowledge what I’m saying since I seem so hesitant to say it? I’m so lame. And MrZ is constantly reminding me that I get angry with him when he speaks in a negative tone about anyone’s health. He is only allowed to speak positive words so we encourage the positive energy. And he is quick to point out that I don’t do that with my pregnancies. Ever. I always add qualifiers. I depend on the word “If” a lot. None of which = AFFIRMATION.

So: I’m pregnant! Yay! Affirmation!

(I’m trying really hard not to say, “Let’s hope it sticks this time!”)

I was practicing my affirmation a few weeks ago - writing in the margins of my book. Every time the author instructed me to think positively about something, I wrote it in the margin. One of the things in my life bringing out the negative, is my difficulty having another child. So, instead of thinking like that, I was trying to train myself to use positive affirmations. I’m not saying it worked miracles or anything…but how’s this for timing?

Dear Marilyn, Thank you for letting me use your comments section to reveal my news before my family knew.

Today wasn’t that great of a day. And by “wasn’t that great” I really mean “was kinda shitty.” Getting back to “real” life alway sucks after a loss because your head is still focused on the tragedy, but the rest of the world moves on. I wanted to yell at the people at the store during lunch, “I miscarried on Monday. In my own bathroom. Stop talking about the stupid drought and give me a hug!” I did fine yesterday - alone in my home - but for some reason today I felt really sad. Like suddenly I realized everyone had moved on and maybe I hadn’t cried enough yet. Maybe I wanted to grieve some more. I suddenly wanted to stop everything and just cry. I think I focused so much Monday and Tuesday on being strong for my kids and my family - that I forgot to mourn. I lost a baby, dammit. I’m not ready to move on yet. I’m not done crying.

But that’s life. It just moves too fast. My kids are growing too fast. My skin is wrinkling too fast. I just want it all to SLOW DOWN. Bah.

Of course, all of that said? I wouldn’t complain one bit if the renovations in my kitchen moved a little faster. I’m kinda sick of eating dinner from a crockpot every night.

The bleeding continued through the night and at 5:30am, I knew I lost the baby. At that point, the bleeding and cramping stopped. We went to the doctor this morning and he confirmed what I already knew - miscarriage. Again. There is a part of me that wants to call that Dr. Asshole from Friday and be like, “I’ll show you! You patronize my paranoia and BAM! I’ll have a miscarriage just to prove you wrong!” But yeah - I don’t think that would make me feel better.

We’re sad. And that’s an understatement. I’m trying not to let myself cry too much because I have to be strong for my family today. I think we’ve decided the best way to cope today is to do something that will make us smile. So we’re going to spend some time with the kids - and just try to remember how incredibly lucky we are.

And then - after they go to bed tonight. I’ll cry.